How in the world did I ever miss this thread? Must be because I hang out too much in Surviving the Big D and MLC forums.
A major component of internet addictions/EA/porn, etc. is the fact (as pointed out by Xeno who has a discussion of this going with me and Sad_in_PA), is that it can be carried out with little or no detection.
In my case... sadly, it got "uncovered" after a long time. I have no clue how long it had been going on. I found cache files on our home PC, then it was the H (now ex) coming home with laptops... and I thought the hardware, laptops, etc. were normal for him... he is a technical guru supporting network, web implementation/servers, that sort of thing. For a long time, he was able to excuse it off as "work."
Well... I could believe that. I work in a similar realm. I was in a previous life a technical support person and knew what that was all about. And I make my living off of computers and the internet as a technical writer/researcher with the firm I work for publishing mapping data.
So... it can be very easy to disguise and hide this problem.
And as was pointed out, it leads down a dangerous path. From the history I can reconstruct, my ex hooked up with his OW through adultfriendfinders or some similar site. Then, it lead to more than swapping porn and suggestive emails, it led to personal meets, promiscuity, threesomes/couple swaps... you name it.
I had a hard time believing there was such a thing as a sex addiction or internet addiction. I always thought you could be addicted to substances... booze, pills... but behavior? But, the more I read, the more I learned. The more I yap on this board and elsewhere, the more I learn.
I'm sorry to see that the subject is so lightly handled as "EAs" within DR/DB. It is a complicated problem... and if it remains at the "EA" stage, I'm sure it would be much easier to overcome. But the secrecy and ability to hide the problem makes it so difficult to combat. As pointed out to me, it is a problem that isn't discussed and is hushed up (as I've noted in my situation as well). The problem really hasn't come to light until recently as well.
Normal DB techniques do NOT work with addicts from what I can tell. At advanced stages of an addiction or if the behavior is ongoing... we become blindsided because often times the spouse will learn to slowly adapt to these new behaviors. I certainly did... I honesty had myself convinced the ex was "working" for a long time.
I had to divest myself of a sham of an M because it was way too hard to deal with my ex where he was emotionally and mentally. He became cruel if faced with the loss of his OW (she supports him in this behavior... is still married but shacked up with my ex)... he walked away from him home and family for this...he went into financial disasters for this... and he was rewarded in a way for bad behavior by having an OW "there" for him. Facing me and the kids would only reinforce to him a "loss" of a "lifestyle" that was too enticing.
That being said... as having gone through this and still trying straighten my head out from all of this... I have more questions than answers... this type of infidelity has a strong addictive component and it certainly shatters trust in a way that no other marriage problem can. I hope this discussion becomes a bit more active here... And am I any better by hanging out on the DB bulletin board at midnight?
