The most insidious aspect of the internet use is that it is anonymous, the person involved is often embarrassed by their behavior (especially if pornography is involved) and it becomes so hidden that by the time the partner finds out, the damage to the relationship has been done. No real person can ever compete with a fantasy who is "perfect" and so the real relationship begins to fall apart without giving the partner any opportunity to rectify anything that is wrong. My H and I had what appeared on the surface to be a warm, loving, sexual relationship. We went to dinners together, went on wonderful vacations as a family, went away on weekends as a couple for our anniversary and other occasions and always said "I love you". I accidently found out that he was going to the "adult friendfinder" site, became upset and confronted him. He swore it was just a fantasy, he loved me and it would stop. Two months later I found directions to a women's house. Again, he said he loved me, he was under stress, he never followed through with it and that he was highly embarrassed by his behavior. There were suspicous cell phone calls and other "red flags" but I tried to have trust in him and brush them aside. Then I found temporary internet files on the computer hard drive and realized the internet stuff hadn't stopped. I broke into his hotmail account by changing the password and was appalled at what I saw. There were dozens of emails with a sexual content going back two years. He talked about being in a "passionless" marriage and how he had been "celibate" for four years. Complete lies. From the content of the emails, it was obvious he crossed the line into phone conversations and again I confronted him. He became very defensive and said everything was my fault and that he is very frustrated with me. But why keep me in the dark for two years when I repeatedly asked him if he was only staying with me out of obligation? He constantly reassured me that he loved me. Then I got the phone call from a woman who had an affair with my H after they met through the internet. My H says he hated the person he had become, he broke off the relationship and therefore, she became vindictive. She claims she broke it off because she realized my husband needed help. She moved her whole family (she is married as well) to our hometown from out of state to be near my husband. They sent each other love letters (she sent them to me) before they ever met. This woman told me she was annoyed because my husband described himself as having an "athletic build" and she said she was shocked when she met him and told him to lose weight. What do people on the internet expect? Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too? Ironically, my husband's being slightly overweight has never bothered me. Now my husband and I are both in individual counseling and later, we plan to go to couples counseling. I do love him and want the relationship to work for ourselves and for our two children (ages 15 and 10) but how can I ever learn to trust again? How do I tell the lies from the truth? As soon as this fantasy internet thing ended, it is as if our relationship ended as well. He no longer tells me he loves me and is very aloof. Now he says he needs to go to counseling to find out where he is going and find out what is the "right thing to do". He thinks I only want to stay in our marriage for the "security". Now he says he hasn't been happy in our marriage for ten years-ten years!? Why didn't anyone give me a clue? Is this typical? Does the real relationship go "poof" as soon as the fantasy one ends? I am so confused. Now I feel as if I was the one having the fantasy relationship all along.
