Okay, I followed through with my GAL plan for a short hike today. I was waffling on it but then I pushed myself to just do the damn thing BECAUSE it was different. It was a pleasant experience, though I felt fairly lonely. Coming home was tough and I feel a need to vent, so here goes:
I am frustrated and even mad/angry about this whole thing. I'm trying to imagine how she wants things to be different in the relationship, and though there are a few areas for sure which could stand some improvement, when I think of how our relationship was, I feel like it was so strong overall. I am aware that I'm not Ralph Fiennes or George Clooney or Brad Pitt. And yes, I am aware that I'm not in the top 5% of exciting daredevil, passionate, risk taking men on the planet. But when I think about the kind of person I am, my commitment, caring, support, and love, I get really ticked off!! I feel like, yes there are things to work on, but also after 8 years together of course there is going to be routine! Also, she works so much of the time that she was often a wreck when she'd come home and not have energy for doing things. I'm upset because I feel like her commitment was less than mine--or was it? I don't know.
I mean, yes, she's in MC and that is great. But I somehow get this impression that she's been running from herself and using so much distraction that it doesn't seem like there's been much movement. Well, I don't know, maybe it's just that it feels so slow to me because of where I am in this. But I don't know what is going to happen at the end of this 6 months separation (her apt. lease ends at the end of May). She's gone for a good part of March and beginning of April. Are we selling the house? Is she going to extend her lease (can she do that?) Is she going to move into another place? I honestly can't see her coming back at the end of May--even if things continue to develop in a positive direction, this seems like such a bloody snail's pace that I'll probably be 60 years old before anything happens! I don't want to bring any of this up either--simply because it's too overwhelming for me to even think about.
Well, I suppose the main part of my rant is: can't she see that I'm quite a nice pot of gold for a spouse?? It's so weird how I can feel that way about me but also feel like something's really wrong with me or lacking because she left. I'M FRUSTRATED!!
She's leaving this week sometime; she may have already left for her 1 week trip. No contact this weekend. Living solo isn't much fun right now. Okay, venting done...for now! : \
