Ugh, had a bad night last night. I went upstairs to bed and started crying, trying not to let H hear (he was downstairs). He came up to go to bed and I was trying to keep my sniffles from him, but he heard. He put his hand on my back and said he's sorry he's doing this to me. That was the extent of our exchange.
Here is the person who has said and written the most beautiful, loving things to me for almost 20 years. How can he have become the person who has now said the most hurtful things I have ever heard from anyone, ever? I can't stop replaying what he's told me over these few months--that he's been living a lie, that he only feels "warmly" toward me, that he sees no future with me, that he's been unhappy and dissatisfied for years, that he's felt unloved and belittled by me.
I just don't know how I can truly reconcile the past-- our mostly wonderful fun, loving, laughter-filled past, with who he is now. I fear that I will never understand how this could happen. I keep going over everything in my head, obsessively, hoping I will come to understand why and how this happened--how my H could just walk away from me (emotionally) without seeming to look back.
Sorry, I know I post the same thing again and again. In the midst of these lows, I am still GAL-ing and mostly I really do present a pretty calm, detached front to H. What happens is that I start to yo-yo. I start feeling more detached and I get scared and then I realize that my H is more detached than ever and seems NOT to yo-yo back to me at all.
I hate this. My eyes are puffy and I look like hell.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Keep remembering all those good, happy times in your M and keep them close in your heart. Try not ot take those rewritten history things to heart. It hurts hearing them, but remember that your H is trying to figure out who he is and why he is hurting. You are there and so it is easy to blame the M.
I hear that most of them will figure most of it out and come through this on their own timeline. You can't help him, so let him go and figure it out and stay out of his way. Focus on you, your kids, and finding happiness that doesn't depend on him right now. That is the best you can do for him.
(((hugs)))
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
Sorry you had a bad night. I agree that you keep the good times close to your heart. It will take awhile wven with your bet GAL stuff for him to not be right in the forefront of your thoughts. Eventually, it will get easier esp if you can focus on yours and the kids happiness.
If you haven't read imlin or brandnewdays old posts (just to name a couple) take the time. Most of us feel at some point that our H or W is the one that isn't coming back. I think that's partly a defense mechanism.
I am kind of dreading the weekend because we are having a family party for my D6 (soon to be D7!) on Saturday. My mom will be there, as well as H's parents and aunt and cousins. H's parents know what is going on and are very distressed; one cousin knows; my mother doesn't and I need to keep it that way for now.
When I found out a week or so ago that H had told his parents, I emailed his mom, with whom I am pretty close. I told her I wasn't sure wht H had said, but I wanted her to know where I stood-- that I love H and would never want us to separate. She responded briefly, saying she was terribly sad and concerned about all of us and and she keeps trying to think of what to do to help us. That was the extent of it.
So Saturday will be a big ol' AS IF party. I guess my job is to act lovely and charming without giving anyone any knowing looks (I am bad in this way). That way, Hs family will wonder how on Earth he can give me up. Right? Plus, of course, I'll have more fun if I act like I'm having fun. Part of me wants to show my in-laws how devastated I am by their son, by looking sad an wounded, but I suspect this isn't the right approach.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Just stopping by and catching up on your sitch. I agree that being lovely and charming is the way to go. Even though it's so tempting to act hurt, if you carry yourself with dignity and take the high road I think you will gain H's familys' support, and get them wondering what he's thinking.
I also think your letting MIL know you love H and are standing was excellent.
Enjoy the party today- I'll be thinking of you,
L.
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I was reading One Day's thread. I saw you were wondering about other MLCers without OW. My H has never been involved with an OW and he says he has no interest in finding one. He has a good F friend but she's married and has been a ear to listen.
I'll be reading your entire sitch tonight.
Take care
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
They all trash their marriages! They all say the same thing. It's all baloney. Did you think your marriage was good? Do you have good memories? Then keep them. Why should you let his bad juju mess with your memories?
I was talking to my kids the other day and they were spontaneously remembering the good times, and for me, that was proof enough. My spouse is loopy.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Well according to my H we were living in different marriages.
We had the family party last night and I could sense my MILs tension. H's cousin, who is also my friend, kept saying (just to me) that he was crazy to let me go. She thinks he has lost his way and will come back.
I am completely paranoid about what H has told his parents. What if he told them about our/my problems in the intimacy dept? That is a mortifying thought. Anyway, I'm glad I emailed my MIL last week and told her where I stand on the whole thing. I know my ILs love me, but they worship H and he can be very convincing, so maybe he's convinced them that he has been living a lie.
I still struggle a lot with sharing my bed with H. He was being cuddly toward me for a while, but that has stopped and I'm scared to touch him now. It's AWFUL. I hate sleeping in the same bed without touching at all. I want to tell him he has to sleep elsewhere if he is going to treat me like I have cooties--but I keep stopping myself, worrying that once he leaves my bed, I've started the leaving-me ball rolling.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
