Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

Your W is no doubt thinking about the idea of you not waiting around forever for her. While in the tunnel they think and say that it's better for us to get on w/ our lives and find someone that deserves us, but I don't think that's what they really want. I think they say those things in a bid to get us to give them reassurance that we still want them. I see that from my H. He asks me about things, like a new necklace I'm wearing ("Where did you get that?"), like my book club meeting ("Are there any guys who have joined?"), and I know that he's trying to figure out if there is someone in the wings, a friend who is a man, that may be a threat.

But I expect your W has alot of processing to do before she is ready to recommit. I think you continuing to compliment her (this is a huge thing for me) and reminding her that you still want her in your life, but doing so subtly, while at the same time going out & having fun, maybe taking a class & learning something new (that'll make her curious, especially if you haven't done that before).

I'm not entirely sure how to handle the idea of my not waiting forever for him. On the one hand, as long as he's cycling, I need for him to see that I am a pretty good catch and there doubtless be someone out there who will want me if he doesn't. But what I don't need is for him to actually believe that I am actually being unfaithful (hmmm - is it being unfaithful if you are separated? I guess it is as long as you are still married). I don't want to add to his depression, but I do want to stir him up to realize that he could lose me if he doesn't recommit to our M. So it's a fine line I walk.

The movies was fun, and I "acted as if" we were just like any other family out to the movies - laughing & joking & having a good time. At one point during the movie my phone started vibrating, so I took it out to see who the call was from (it was D's dance teacher) then put it back. He saw me looking at my phone but didn't say anything. After the movies I expected H to say goodnite & take D back to his place. Instead he asked if I wanted to get a bite to eat. I said yes (maybe I should have said that I was tired & wanted to go to be early). We went out (the food was terrible) and I started telling D a story to D about the summer b/f we got married living at the lake. H joined in w/ his own stories. It was nice.

So now I think I will keep doing my own thing when I'm not w/ him, going out w/ friends & keeping very busy. I want to take a few classes, cooking, pottery & find some other fun activities to continue w/ my GALing. Another 180 for me is making new friends & doing things w/ friends regularly. When I was a SAHM, I never made an effort to spend time w/ friends - H was my only friend, for the most part.

I told D & H about the sitter - D was thrilled. H smiled & I realized that although this will make it easier for us to spend time together alone, this can see also be a bit of a threat, since now I have easy access to a sitter to go out on my own whenever I want w/o having to wait for a night that he has D. It's a double edged sword, and again, I think it works to my advantage. I'm going to make him work at this, but in a subtle way. I'm going to make an effort to reach out to him, but I'm also going to force him to make an effort on his part.

BTW, H got a verbal offer for that job, so he is very happy. I told him Fri nite how excited I am for him and how proud I am. I validated that he worked really hard for this. But I think he is still reserving his excitement for when he actually gets to sign the written offer. I'm waiting to see how being employed will affect his state of mind, self esteem, and our sitch. My hope is that as he feels better about himself, he will feel that he has more to offer me, and will be more willing to show me that he's ready to recommit. I'm not getting my hopes up for this to happen quickly, but I would like to see him start talking about moving home by the summer, and maybe actually move home by the end of the year. It has been one year since he left, and our 24 year dating anniversary is this coming Friday.

About the feelings of guilt; of course H feels guilt. H feels an enormous amount of guilt over what he has done, the A, the spending, splitting up our family. When we were talking about the journal, I did say that I forgave him a long time ago, but I don't know if that registered. I'll have to tell him again one night when we are alone, maybe next Fri, when we have another date and D has a sleepover at her friend's house.

FA