Walk Away Fiancee

[nate75]

Nate - don't beat yourself up too much. I'm glad you're seeing what went wrong, so you can work on ways to fix it.

Wanted to comment on the very first part of that - the "rescue" leg. I see exactly what you mean in terms of the pattern that played out in your R. My question would be, though, if you're breaking that pattern of co-dependecy, would you CHOOSE someone who needs you to 'rescue' her?? My bet is, probably not. And please don't take 100% of the blame - remember that co-dependency takes BOTH of you.

Thanks Nik...after a period of LRT, is there any point when I would approach Amy with what I have learned about the situation that we had and codependancy?

Thanks.....

Nate

[NikB]

I wouldn't... you can't "fix" her and any attempt to do so is very likely to backfire on you.

[kml]

Where was I? In her brothers basement, miserable that I had been there for almost a year and a half, recovering from my New Years Eve assault...alone. I was negative and going through a rough time. I was no longer the better option so she went out with her friends more....this snowballed and made me more irritated. I then "persecuted" her for not being with ME. This led to her resenting me and feeling like I was controlling her and "keeping her in a box".

Heads up, buddy - "controlling her" is code for "I'm out partying and I don't want to be bothered by any thoughts that I should be taking care of my fiancee instead of flirting with other guys, so you must be too controlling". I think almost every cheating WAS has said those words about "too controlling" to the LBS who just wanted to know what was up!

There was NOTHING wrong with you expecting that she would be more responsible and empathetic. And there is nothing wrong with you - except maybe that you're too much of a rescuer. You are an accomplished guy, a sensitive romantic man, and you just wasted your energy on a woman who cannot rise to the occasion. She is beneath you.

And REALLY, you HAVE to figure out why you got involved with her in the first place. Was your pain at rejection SO bad that it made a whacko woman with huge debts and a very erratic life history look like a good bet for a life partner? Where's the logic in that???

Ellie

[nate75]

And REALLY, you HAVE to figure out why you got involved with her in the first place. Was your pain at rejection SO bad that it made a whacko woman with huge debts and a very erratic life history look like a good bet for a life partner? Where's the logic in that???

Ellie

Hi Ellie...I have discussed this with my psychologist. What probably happened was I was afraid of rejection because of my XW abandoning me. I then met Amy eight months later. I found her VERY attactive (even with her fake boobs, whick isn't usually my thing). Our chemistry and relationship in the beginning was awesome. This gradually developed into codependent relationship. I was afraid of being abandoned and she needed someone in her chaotic life.

It has stuck in my mind what her XH told her when she asked for money for settling their divorce. His comment was something to the effect....."Come on Amy, haven't I carried you enough? I have worked for the things that I have...." This tells me that she was in a similar relationship before. She needed and her XH provided.

Amy is a very independent minded woman, but her life has required her to enter into dependent relationships. I think that she evenually resents them and feels controlled...against her independant mindset. The same thing happened in our relationship.

The sad thing is that any future relationship that she has will like be codependent as well. Anyone who enters into a relationship will have to assume her baggage and 100k debt....the guy will be a "fixer". She will feel controlled by him because of this and the cycle will continue. I really feel bad for her and wish there was some way for me to share this knowledge with her....but as you said I can't "fix" her anymore.

In the future I have to find a relationship with someone who is stable and does not need fixing. I need to find a PARTNER....

Nate

[fish]

That's it Nate, you finally "get it."

Good luck brother.

Now get off these boards and go live your life.

You are done.

[NikB]

Yeah Nate!! You sound good.

[NikB]

Now get off these boards and go live your life.

Agreed! But feel free to come back to vent, or if you need another "beating" from your big bro Fish if you're feeling weak when she comes crawling back.

[nate75]

Even though I have a better understanding of the dynamics in my failed relationship with Amy, I still have a desire to re-establish communication with her. I have only had a couple "business" emails and texts since things ended on February 5th. She did initiate the last 2 text messages on February 25th....thanking me for the insurance information and offering an explanation for the joint checking account that she opened.

I know that I can not initiate contact with her. It has to be when she is ready. To do otherwise would likely have negative results. I just have the desire to give it the proverbial "one last try" and contact her....I just don't know...it is going on 4 weeks. I would have thought she would have contacted me by now? Maybe it is too soon....I just don't know what to do....do I keep doing NOTHING?

P.S. I am working on myself....just thinking about Amy at this moment....

Nate

[fish]

Nate - This is the LAST time I am going to post on your thread.

I usually fire guys like you who work for me.

YOU DON'T FU**ING LISTEN OR LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES.

SO NOW I AM GOING TO GIVE UP ON YOU.

Go ahead, get back with Amy. What a perfect wife and mother she will be. Just think how nice it will be wondering if she is taking drugs while she is pregnant or doing some other guy or racking up another $100,000 in credit card debt.

She is perfect for you a real winner with a strong moral background. She is going to make a great mom -- I'll bet she is president of the PTA some day.

Let's be honest... you are in your early thirties, you are horny and you miss fu**ing her. That's it dude.. you know it and I know it. Your self esteem is low so at the moment you think this is the only girl that you are ever going to fu*k again.

COME ON NATE... FORGET THIS BROAD. YOU DO NOT EVEN BELONG ON THIS WEBSITE. You are not married and you are not getting divorced.

You have gotten some awesome advice from some folks that are a bit older and much more experienced.

Your decision... completely ignoring what everyone is telling.

That's it Nate... I'm done with you.

But if you marry this girl and then get divorced, remember this post.

Read this again... and again.. and again. Until it sinks in.

Adios Nate.. good luck

[nate75]

I just want to thank you for everything. You have given me awesome advice for which I will always be thankful...I am just struggling man. I am a perfectionist and I hate to fail. I see this as a failure on my part and that doesn't sit well with me. I took pride in my effort in the relationship and I got flipped off like a switch...I just have a hard time with that. Everything you say is the truth though man....If you ever want to touch base, here is my address:
EDITED, EMAIL ADDRESS NOT ALLOWED

Thanks man....I tried to PM you but you are over the limit....

Nate