Treese, I know what you are saying. I felt the same way. I really sometimes think I'm in a nightmare, and I want to wake up....
Yes! YES YES! I felt that way. But then I kept getting up in the morning, and the nightmare was still here, and after a while, yes.... I gotta accept it, it's real. This is no joke.
I try to gain some perspective by reading the news or talking to other people. I went to talk to my parish priest, who related some stories of other men going through troubles - not the same sort of troubles, but.. you know, cancer, spouse diagnosed with MS, young child dies in an accident, all sorts of troubles. I guess the lesson is, bad things happen. Its a darn shame, but (a) I didn't do anything to "deserve" this, and (b)it will get better, and (c) I can handle this.
Anyway,, I'm trying...really...and I'm not doing too awfully bad, just fall sometimes... I feel this way too sometimes. Then I think, I better not just TRY, I better DO. My kids need me to be there for them, now and long into the future. I will do it. I will hold together and keep my chin up and do the right thing.
I adored my H...every day, every hour...my family was number 1...I guess now I have to be number 1... You know, I feel the same way. I am human of course, so there were times when I did not act very lovingly. There were times when I lost my cool, or I was too impatient, or etc. But I was always a family man first. I worked to support the family. I understood my priorities. I loved my wife and no other. I didn't even look at other women.
But sometimes that's not enough. Now it is time to look out for numero uno.
Doesn't it just blow your mind that they can talk to you every day, sometimes 2 &3 times a day, for 29 years, and then not want to talk to you at all, and not be bothered by it...I feel sometimes like I really didnt exist, that I'm going crazy...
It is enough to make anyone think they are going crazy. I had the same thoughts. They still lurk in the recesses of my mind, and they sneak up on me sometimes. But I speak with other people, and all of them are as perplexed as I am. About what she did, who she did it with, what she continues to do. When my kids were remembering the good times we had, spontaneously recalling fond memories that I had forgotten, memories that W seems to have erased - I tell ya, that went a long way to making me feel sane and normal.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
