How do they look themselves in the mirror 4?

[newnamenewlife]

Treese,
They avoid us because they feel guilty. When I asked my H a while ago why he suddenly felt uncomfortable leaning on me or touching me while we watched TV, he said it was because he felt such self-loathing for what he'd done.

I wanted to say ok, well then stop doing it, but now that he's come out with IDLYA and has stopped "living a lie," he wants to live "truly." It feels untrue for him to be affectionate or sexual with me because he doesn't have the love feelings that go along with it. Would I call this OVERTHINKING things just a teeny bit? YES! But that's my H for you.

We are one of the mirrors that they can't look in or they will see themselves. (Do I sound like a MLC pro or what? Grace--don't I?)

[ba065]

Hang in there Treese...you'll be able to give it to God when you're ready. God's timing is perfect, whether we see it or not at the time. It's hard to be patient, it's hard not to worry, it's hard to leave things alone. But you will be able to find some peace once you do this.

I'm praying for you...you are in my thoughts! Enjoy seeing D21!

((((Treese))))

BA

[Treese]

LMG;

My H as you know said the exact same words about living a lie, and having to be true to himself...he has never talked like this before so I know someone fed those words to him, or wait, he was reading the script..I forgot...

Anyway, My H said he couldn't touch me or make love to me anymore because he wasnt "in love" and I said, "you told me you weren't in love with OW and you're having sex with her"...He had no comment....they say stuff then can't answer when we "make sense".

H also told me he didnt like when I wanted to hold his hand or touch him while we were watching TV..He said it was bugging him sometimes...wow....

I daydream a lot about us being together, about going up to my bedroom and finding a rose on my pillow, or him coming to me and telling me he loves me...then I realize it's just a dream....so then I pray for God to whisper these things in his ear...

Ba;

I'm glad to hear from you...I hope you are well..You sound awesome....I can't wait for D21...2 more days...

Treese

Treese

[newnamenewlife]

I daydream a lot about us being together, about going up to my bedroom and finding a rose on my pillow, or him coming to me and telling me he loves me...then I realize it's just a dream...

Oh, this breaks my heart--and I have done the exact same thing. Thought maybe for Xmas he'd come around, then Valentine's Day. Nope. It's so strange to daydream about someone who DID those things for years and years. Now he's on strike. It makes me feel so guilty, like I took him for granted, even though I always appreciated the things he did for me like that.

[Treese]

I know what you mean....and I daydream about it alot....sometimes it even makes me smile....my H hasn't seen my kids but for an hour this whole week...and how does that not bother them...

I want someone to tell me how to let go....how to create the mystery.....I DON"T KNOW WHERE TO START....

WHat happened to the man I married????

[SirPrizeMe]

What happened to the man you married? He's checked out, Treese.
I'm sorry.

You know, I had trouble with the letting go part, and then...

- I stopped resisting her revisionist history. She can revise her memories if she wants to. I don't need to share them any longer. This is hard because for a long time we shared our lives, and we shared good times and bad, and we shared (mostly) our view of whether something was good or bad, fun or not, invigorating or stupefying. We held hands through life. Now she's let go, and she has a different opinion, not only of what is happening now, but she's revised her opinion and view of what happened before. But I can still keep my memories. I don't need to adopt hers. My memories suit me just fine. She can think what she wants. She can be angry, hollow, distant, and so on. I'm not that person. I don't need to mirror her.

I feel like that was a key realization for me - I don't need to agree with her. For a long time, see, I was a pleaser and fixer, I looked for ways to agree and accomodate. But I don't need to do that now. I don't need to agree with her view. She can wallow in crap and I don't need to join her.

ahhhhh. A liberation.

[Treese]

Sir;
You're right...he did check out...he bailed...came to that fork in the road and took the wrong route...
I too was a pleaser, fixer...but I enjoyed pleasing people...I loved doing things for them and seeing their faces when it was done...I do know he is rewriting our history...it is just hard to accept....everyone knows me and knows what type of person that I am, and that I wouldn't just agree with separating...I adored my H...every day, every hour...my family was number 1...I guess now I have to be number 1...

Doesn't it just blow your mind that they can talk to you every day, sometimes 2 &3 times a day, for 29 years, and then not want to talk to you at all, and not be bothered by it...I feel sometimes like I really didnt exist, that I'm going crazy...

I had to sit on my hands the other night because I was so angry that my H hadn't talked to my son for 4 days and couldn't even call my cell to talk to him...I wanted to call and chew him out but thanks to Jeff (dryheat), I didn't call him, because really my H wouldn't have cared...and it would have just proven that he was right in leaving...I have made 180's, of course they go unnoticed but I like the way I am now...someday maybe he'll see me for the real person I am...

D21 comes home tomorrow...H hasn't called her since he left 5 weeks ago...he promised her he would call her more often since he wasn't home...1 broken promise down the drain...now he is probably afraid to talk to her because she will tell you like it is...that's why I need her...she is a very strong girl...very bright, and she is what's keeping me afloat right now...my girls will stick with each other...my son misses his dad...and his sister...son called his sister last night to see what time she was coming home tomorrow....he loves her so much....

Anyway,, I'm trying...really...and I'm not doing too awfully bad, just fall sometimes...I really sometimes think I'm in a nightmare, and I want to wake up....

Treese

[Treese]

ok, snodderly or YR or SF, or all you who can answer.....

I thought I posted this when I first got on here but I was talking to dryheat and he didn't remember reading it so I thought I would get your opinion on it....

About 23 years ago before we got married my H was going through some anxiety about being able to take responsibility for me as his wife...being able to take care of me and possibly a family...well, he got some medication and was fine...lost a little bit of weight but was great when we got married....
Then about a month later he went in to a depression...his job was not what he wanted (not enough money, etc), so he sat and starred at a wall for 3 months...didn't say much...and I was right there telling him how much I loved him,and that he'd be okay...I worked full time since he wasn't working and we pretty much depleated our savings because he wasn't working...well, he went for counseling then and did well....I went a few times with him and he was telling the counselor that it wasn't me that he didn't want to be without me...he was on meds for a while then just went off them..he had always felt like he was going to have a heart attack and his counselor would say, "well, did you?",he said NO...but his counselor made him feel stupid and that's why he won't even think about seeing one now...plus the fact he says he knows how he feels and he doesn't need anyone to tell him how he feels...as he said to his friend, "if you don't like broccoli, you can't MAKE someone like it." I guess I'm a vegetable now...
Anyway, fast forward....got through that had great years,,had a baby..but then 3 miscarriages....had 2nd baby...then my son...son had medical issues, had to have surgery at 3 months, perfectly fine now...H changed jobs in there somewhere...loves his job or so he says he does, but works God awful hours....but I got used to it...we were happy, so the hours didn't matter..

Then we had 5 surgeries in 1 year...2 H had on the same thing and that brought him down...I told him he was going to be okay...
we fixed up the house, new floor, new furniture..blah, blah, blah, then the bomb, and he hasn't been happy for 15 years...

Could it be he still has unresolved issues from the depression from all those years ago? I think he isn't really happy with his job...and he is trying to convince himself he is, even though he has brought it up to me 3 times in the past 3 weeks about being worried they were going to phase it out...I'm trying to piece this together and I think it all goes together and now the demons in his head are convinced it's me that is making him unhappy when in fact I believe it's his job.....

I know this is a long post, sorry...

Treese

[Sandyof5]

Treese,

Checking in to see how your doing...

I hope you have a wonderful time with your daughter. I know mine is a rock for me too..a tough cookie. When they are 15 its not so fun but when they get older and we are more "equals" its empowering! And my H hasnt spoken to my oldest daughter in 3 months so I know what you are saying. they know these girls see it for what it is and have no problem "voicing their opinions".

Hang in here Treese!

[SirPrizeMe]

Treese, I know what you are saying. I felt the same way.
I really sometimes think I'm in a nightmare, and I want to wake up....

Yes! YES YES! I felt that way. But then I kept getting up in the morning, and the nightmare was still here, and after a while, yes.... I gotta accept it, it's real. This is no joke.

I try to gain some perspective by reading the news or talking to other people. I went to talk to my parish priest, who related some stories of other men going through troubles - not the same sort of troubles, but.. you know, cancer, spouse diagnosed with MS, young child dies in an accident, all sorts of troubles. I guess the lesson is, bad things happen. Its a darn shame, but (a) I didn't do anything to "deserve" this, and (b)it will get better, and (c) I can handle this.

Anyway,, I'm trying...really...and I'm not doing too awfully bad, just fall sometimes...
I feel this way too sometimes. Then I think, I better not just TRY, I better DO. My kids need me to be there for them, now and long into the future. I will do it. I will hold together and keep my chin up and do the right thing.

I adored my H...every day, every hour...my family was number 1...I guess now I have to be number 1...
You know, I feel the same way. I am human of course, so there were times when I did not act very lovingly. There were times when I lost my cool, or I was too impatient, or etc. But I was always a family man first. I worked to support the family. I understood my priorities. I loved my wife and no other. I didn't even look at other women.

But sometimes that's not enough. Now it is time to look out for numero uno.

Doesn't it just blow your mind that they can talk to you every day, sometimes 2 &3 times a day, for 29 years, and then not want to talk to you at all, and not be bothered by it...I feel sometimes like I really didnt exist, that I'm going crazy...

It is enough to make anyone think they are going crazy. I had the same thoughts. They still lurk in the recesses of my mind, and they sneak up on me sometimes. But I speak with other people, and all of them are as perplexed as I am. About what she did, who she did it with, what she continues to do. When my kids were remembering the good times we had, spontaneously recalling fond memories that I had forgotten, memories that W seems to have erased - I tell ya, that went a long way to making me feel sane and normal.