The mistress has more than I can offer

[saffie]

Dayana,

Strikes me as you have two choices here. Neither is a walk in the park.

Number one is to keep in mind all the stats on A's and ride out the storm. Wait until the attraction of OW diminishes and just be there as the better option. Work on yourself and hope that at the end of however long it takes he wants to come back to you and you still want him - you never know, YOU may have moved on. This does enable him though to ping pong back and forth and you have to act 'as if', GAL and carry on as best you can.

The other is to set boundaries and stick to them. You could tell him you won't share him and he has to make a choice or you could set different boundaries, say go NC apart from child things, until he makes a decision. The boundaries are up to you, but you have to be prepared to follow them through whatever. NEVER set a boundary you KNOW you can't enforce for whatever reason.

Either way the outcome isn't guaranteed. You could push the issue to a head, (it's what I did), but you lose all control and the fallout could go either way. It just depends on what you feel is the best approach. Remember DBing is about doing what works and if something isn't working do a 180 and try something else. It is also about making changes for yourself - not just to get a wandering spouse back. You have to be true to yourself so that if any action you take backfires at least you know you did that thing for the right reasons.

From my POV, I knew I couldn't enable my H to carry on with me and OW. If I hadn't put my foot down he would have just carried on having two women fight and fawn over him - why not - the adrenalin rush he was getting from having TWO women want him was massive - he felt in a position of power and I felt helpless. I couldn't stomach that and I was willing to take the risk that I would lose him to get some sort of ending. I am a terribly impatient person, ( I always peek and look inside my Christmas presents early) - that's just me. We had a week of absolute hell when I wasn't sure what would happen, ( although I couldn't quite believe he wouldn't stay with me), and it was nasty.

In hindsight, I am glad I did things the way I did- it worked for me but I am aware it could have gone awfully wrong. maybe one of the reasons it worked for me is that my H had an issue with feeling that I didn't really care about him which is why he had the A in the first place. He was SO wrong, and my reaction showed him that. My struggles on a daily basis with having four children and always feeling like I was chasing my tail left me not giving him the attention he needed. My strong reaction to him telling me he was having an A took any doubt about my feelings towards him away.

You know your H, we don't. You need to think about why you have gotten to this position and what type of person he is; what would work best with your H?

Good luck