I know how you feel. Know that it will ease with time. You will start to detach. I'm going to take apart some of the things you said and lets see if it helps.
I also said that I think I felt sad because this is the first time in 8 years that one person has taken vacation time separately from the other. She seemed to understand, but I think it was too much.
OK...probably not the best reaction. She feels pressure now. Here's how you might recover. I think you need to take a vacation, too. Maybe you've always wanted to learn fly fishing, or rock climbing, or how to drive a race car. Think of something you always wanted to do, then plan the trip. Then, the next time you see her, casually mention how she inspired you to take your own vacation, and thank her, and tell her you hope she enjoys herself.
I feel like she is quite liking her life as it is. I'm fearful of her taking trips and having "epiphanies" while she is away about ending things.
You have absolutely no...none...nada...zip control over any of this whatsoever. If you don't let go, if you don't drop the rope, you will go nuts. I guar-an-tee.
I feel like I just don't have the support and friendships.
Dude! Here's something you have control over! Fix this...
We don't have anything scheduled re: seeing each other or anything, and I feel like it would be good to talk about the R.
AAAHHHHHH!!!!! Sorry, lost control for a second.
My friend...this is the worst...the absolute worst thing you could do. DO NOT talk about the relationship unless SHE brings it up. Please don't make the same mistakes I did. You end up old, lonely, and half insane...like me.
I don't know if I should contact my W. at all to say something about my reaction today...I almost feel like I should apologize.
Two words: zip it.
Back in my flying days, I spent many years as an instructor. Young guys would get in the jet, we'd take off, fly around a bit. They'd get overwhelmed, get lost, get sick, puke all over everything, and generally just give up.
That's when I'd grab their oxygen hose and close my fist around it and look them right in the eye and tell them if they didn't do something to save themselves they were totally f*cked because I was going to pull the handles and punch out right then and there and let them auger themselves into the ground.
Worked every time.
Save yourself. She's punched out.
Bomb
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Purr, You are still very much attached as I was at your time. I know you don`t want to hear this or accept it but there will come a time(and it takes time) when you realise that you are your own man. Even if every one else in the world lets you down realise that YOU will never let you down. Believe me after 9-1/2 months I have finally got there and I am still working on it (but it`s getting easier) I remember when I first came here paralysed with fear because like you I felt the bottom had dropped out of my world. Everyone tells you to be strong but that is so hard to achieve. Believe me you will get there. The hard thing for people in our situation to accept is the sudden change to reality for no reason It`s called SHOCK. You will come to terms with it. Then you will build a better you. Everybody posts this and at your stage you cannot accept it but you will. Tonight I cooked myself a stirfry (Me in the kitchen-hopeless)but I have done, it amongst other things. Believe me you will get there. I am now at the stage where I think if W comes home O.K if not I`ll survive. Don`t overthink this thing Purr you have no control I know you don`t want to hear this "Think about you" Regards Colin
Listen to the advice you are getting about dropping the rope, etc. I can echo what Bomb. and others are saying. It's a long road to get to that point, but you must get there. Save yourself, for it is the only thing you can rely on in the end. Spouses, jobs, family, friends, etc. are nice and they are important, but use this time to get to know yourself, fix what needs fixing, and live for you--GAL is the mantra on these boards, but I tell you it is essential to do. It will come for you like it came for all of us, and you will likely backslide even after it comes, but I've started to believe that is OK too.
You might try some books by Pema Chodron. She's a Buddhist nun who writes great stuff about living in the now, not the past, not the future. Now. She wisely advises us to face the pain of now, rather than trying to medicate or deny it. Only then can real growth and transformation take place. I've been there. Still working on it, but I read her often when I need to push through regrets I have about the past or when I need to wrestle with some hurt right now. Stretch yourself, Purr. You will like what you see. Maybe not at first; it's hard work, but the reward of growth in terms of a new outlook on yourself and life makes the hell of MLC somewhat redemptive. At least for me, the key has been trying to find something positive (new outlook, insight, hobbies) to come of all this suffering we're going through.
Live now, and go forward. Try to minimize thinking about what you said/did yesterday, last week, or five years ago.
Thanks a lot for the support. I had quite a good cry after posting here and then went out with a running group that I just joined last week. Got a short email from my W. re: her appreciating my openness in the MC today and that she was totally drained. She thought we might book another session sooner than the one month mark and sent some times for her availability. Heck, she even offered to book it.
I sent her a reply and kept it on the same level. Briefly responded to something from the session today but kept it to 2 lines. I feel better having done this. Although she may be in MLC and is going through something I don't fully understand, I have always seen her as a good person. It's weird to say but I just mean I have always been able to see that aspect of her inside. She is a lovely woman even though this whole business is causing so much pain and angst for both of us. It is hard to know that in her own way she too is really hurting in deep way, and it feels really hard / painful not to be able to comfort someone who I love very dearly.
Thanks for the pointers and reminders to try to build on the things I can in my own life, guys. I am trying. I have read others saying this is the hardest thing they've ever gone through in their lives, and I can certainly add my name to that list.
This board and all of you who have contributed to this thread have been a really key part of my support system. Thank you for your caring. I find this a safe place to share and try my best to get grounded. I really am trying.
Good for you on all fronts! Good for crying, good for running, and good with the MC and the W seeming, for now, to be willing to push ahead. Take it one step at a time, and brace yourself for a sudden reversal. I'm not saying that will happen as I don't know your wife, and heck, your wife may not even now her wishes one moment to the next. She could be sincerely saying one thing today, but then have a totally different mood tomorrow. I hate to rain on the parade, but from what I've read, and what I've experienced myself, these type of switches come out of nowhere. They can really mess you up if you aren't at least aware that people in MLC do these things. The last meaningful face to face contact I had with my W was in October. It was a fun, flirty conversation for about 45 minutes. We didn't talk about relationship issues at all. I was encouraged. But then a few days later she refused to see me (after hinting at the earlier conversation that she might want to do so). Then, a few weeks later she began spewing venom when we unexpectedly saw each other.
That's just my story,but others have experienced similar things. Enjoy the good feelings, but just brace yourself. This ride often takes sudden and unexpected turns, for the better and the worse. That's one reason why it's so hard.
In the meantime, keep taking care of yourself. One day at a time.
Ah I really felt for yuo there...a little bit of honesty crept into your conversation with her and then you had that awful sickening feeling that you had ruined everything! I know how you feel. Its because you feel your life is on a knifes edge right now! Its over...but they still contact you/agree to meet. Its like they dangle themselves tantalisingly inside a glass box in front of you, with a "do not touch" alarm on the outside.
I am so impressed and a little envious you joined the running club, I was supposed to be doing this too ! I chickened out last week (it was one of my goals though !) and then I got ill, so still not done it. Well done yuo ! Are there people your own age to chat to and get to know? Also, I identify with your feelings of loneliness. I have some good friends and my sister who I can call every day, but I dont really have anyone where I live to see, so I spend most days by myself. I've got used to it, but I also worry my life seems a bit empty and sad compared to my BFs! I think in your case, your W is likely to have a lot of female friends and company, as woman do. I would have if we hadnt moved away. But if you manage to make one new friend and drop into conversation that you are meeting so and so for a run, or a beer, or coffee, whatever, it will be a 180 for you. So dont think volume..just one step at a time. Add one new friend to your life as an initial aim?
In the end though, after all your worrying, your W emailed YOU and even said we should go back to MC sooner..well, if it was purely to help you, or to "break up", why would she be so motivated to go back? I cant help seeing yuor sitch in a positive light, she seems committed to the MC and wanted to discuss a few issues outside of it. Did yuo get any pointers in the session to help you pull some drastic 180s?? I havent got a clue what my BFs issues were with me, he claimed not to have any! But I find that a bit hard to believe.
So next time you have that agonising panic, what have I done feeling, remember how bad you felt and then how surprised you were that she wasnt so freaked out, but emailed you anyway. Maybe you can be a tiny tiny bit braver (but, no pressure!) and it wont all collapse like a burning building. This is the point I am at now..I suppose its that thing about monitoring results hey.
Sorry you were in floods of tears. I know you lack a bit of support, but is there anyone you could open up to a bit? Someone in your family? A mates wife? I ended up talking to my aunties for hours on the phone in the weeks after the bomb and they were fantastic. As much as I love them, I normally only ever used to see them at Christmas and at a summer barbeque before! So you never know.
Thanks for the support! It was the right thing to do when I sent the email to my W. to acknowledge and clarify the part I thought I had blown. She emailed me back later with a (relatively for her) longer email where she appreciated and said she really understood my feelings about the vacation. She also apologized for her brief emails (which I had raised in MC) and, while not saying she would necessarily change this, she did say that it was not intending to communicate impersonally at all.
She also shared that she had felt teary for most of the day after the session and that she "really appreciated" my "lovely" email message and that she found it to be really caring. Her words seemed quite heartfelt. It was new for her to share that she was "teary". She mentioned something obscure about "having more insight about our dynamics" as a result of the session. I don't know if that's good or bad...I think it's ultimately about her feeling more freed up to say what she wants/needs. I don't know what she was referring to...could be good or bad news.
Anyway, I feel good about the contact, but I find I don't really rocket into very positive places because I keep hearing old lines from before playing into my head ("...but none of this [positive] changes anything.)...etc etc.
Okay, well, a couple of humble GAL steps to report: 1. photo group having a social / pub night next week I think. Never been to this group before, but I'm going to give it a try. 2. getting together with a friend to have lunch/walk in a week and a half. 3. Thinking of going on a mini-hike on Sunday. That's a 180 for me!! I kind of hate that it's solo, but I've got to try and do something for myself.
I also want to say how much I've been really aching for physical contact--not necessarily sex (although, um...that would be okay!) but just hugs. Lots and lots of hugs!!!! I haven't had a hug in over 2 months and I really feel I need them constantly. I've been feeling better today, but still on the verge of tears several times. Sometimes I sleep at with a hot water bottle at night! Warm, but somehow just not quite as enjoyable as spooning my W. Gosh, how I miss her very, very much. This makes me MENTAL!
Purr...sometimes (especially that last paragraph)... I read your posts and you sound like you are voicing the thoughts inside my very own head, in exactly the way I feel about them (only possibly more eloquently !) I cant tell you how I utterly am in the exact same place, feel the same longing, have the same tearful episodes and also took a hot water to bed for the exact same reason last night.
I'm so amazed that your W has been open in this manner, and I fully understand you dont want to get your hopes up. But, to admit she is teary and emotional and is obviously having insights and realisations that perhaps she didnt bank on having? Its interesting she apologised about the emails ! But said that she hadnt intended to be impersonal. Funny, maybe these WAS really dont appreciate the catastrophic effect their words/ actions have on us. Maybe they are so wrapped up in their own hurt, pain and disappointment that they cant see it..Also encouraging that when yuo did reach out to her and mention some issues from the MC, she responds well, and with more thoughts than you ! As a zoomer outer on your R, I can see that this is going in the right direction and not getting worse, and it does seem that her getting emotional can only be a good sign??? Be hopeful, she does seem to be keeping an open mind, the door hasnt slammed??
I just had a thought that my BF may have emailed me..I checked just then again and he has... 9.30 am ! Blimey, thats a first. Got to go set up a new thread ! Thanks for your support Purr on my thread, I always appreciate your thoughts, they're like mine, before they get negatively filtered ! We are in it together! Are you sure you're not some wierd twin seperated at birth thing from me??
Ali ((((Purr !))) - I know its not a real one, but hey. __________________ Me: 36 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Own apartment: 26 Jan 08 friends is a start
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Glad to hear about your W having these insights; that is a positive step, though as you note it's too soon to jump for joy. Still, you can be heartened by what you've heard so far. It's somewhat encouraging, and I'm happy for you and for her. Sounds like she's growing too. The question will be whether you can grow together, grow closer.
Keep up the GAL. Not everything will make you happy, nor will you want to do certain things again. However, I'm convinced that the key is to get ourselves out there, to put ourselves into new situations and see what happens. If we don't like something, move on to something else. But keep trying! Better than sitting at home all the time curled up in despair. There's time for despair, to be sure, but it cannot be the focus of our lives.
Keep going forward, even if you fall back on occasion, and keep us updated.
Thanks guys! Ali, sounds like your BF is engaging a little more of late--may be kind of a similar thing w/ my W., but I'm not sure (our sitch's do seem to parallel on quite a few things!).
Okay, so a couple of days ago, W. emails me, I email back...we end up exchanging 6 emails in one day! Mostly short messages, some with some kind of actual purpose, some just silliness. Hmmm. She said she was procrastinating on work and kept checking her email to see if I had written back to her. As far as I know, she never sits around waiting for a message from me.
Yesterday, we email once during the day, very brief. Then at the end of my work day, she phones me (this is unheard of!). The reason for phoning seemed...legitimate, but not really necessary to phone about. It was ostensibly about some work related thing that had to do with both of us. Anyway, we talked about that and then chatted for about 20 minutes on the phone about other stuff. Then she had to go for a meeting. Almost seemed like there were a couple of pauses during the call...I'm probably reading too much into this but it almost felt like she wanted me to ask if she wanted to go for dinner or something. Anyway, I didn't ask. But then I called her an hour later at the end of her meeting and asked (I did struggle with whether to do this or not, but my gut was to casually put out the invite). We had tea together. She said she was too tired to go for dinner...but then we spent over an hour and a half with a cup of tea!
It was good to see her, and well...she was looking pretty good to me. Sometimes when she was talking about work, I must admit my mind was wandering to lustier ideas about her and I(!), then I'd snap out of it. There's nothing worse than feeling desire and then knowing that--oh yeah, right, ILYBNILWY--how could I forget?--the feeling isn't reciprocated. Ugh.
In an email a couple of days ago, she referred to me as "darling" (a term she's never used in our relshp before). It was one of those part joking? possibly part serious things in her message. Anyway, when we said goodnight, I got a one-arm hug and she said "okay, darling, goodnight". The hug lasted about 7/10's of a second, and it had a very friend feeling about it all. But this is a weird term to use. She has commented several times this week about my humour and that I am funny / make her laugh...this was always the case in our relshp, but it's good to hear I suppose.
Well, no email from her today. She's going away this coming week. Here I am on Sat night just thinking the whole situation is so weird and kind of crazy. I'm in one of those spaces where I'm confused and just like---I don't get why we're apart...it's so weird that we're not really totally apart, but we aren't together either. I'm like--HELLO--WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OVER THERE??? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?? WHY DID YOU LEAVE--WANT TO RUN THIS BY ME AGAIN BECAUSE IT STILL MAKES NO SENSE TO ME??
Well, I'm going to take it that a phone call is a good sign. The darling thing...well, it could be a friend/sarcastic/joking around platonic term. Certainly didn't have a romantic feel to it with the one-arm-less-than-2 seconds-hug thing. Sigh. This is the weirdest trip I've ever been on, bar none!!
Okay, Db'ers, be proud--I'm sticking with my GAL plan to go on a mini-hike tomorrow by myself, even though part of me was pathetically wanting to hang around "in case she wants to get together".
