Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Mike,

I did tell H exactly that, both when we first discussed it and when I left the vmail. I have not brought it up and neither has he. Suffice it to say that it is out there (the fact that I have analyzed the costs and benefits of getting back together w/ him) and now he knows that I am not going to spend the rest of my life waiting for him.

I understand that MLCers cycle, and this has been my H's pattern for a long time. I also understand the notion of not pressuring them b/c it just makes them want to run. But this was something he was looking for - what am I thinking? And he found out. And it was accomplished w/out R talks.

I think you are right that H wants back in to the M, but I also believe that he is scared, ashamed, and depressed still, and that it will be a long time before he has worked through those feelings. I'm trying not to make him feel that there is someone waiting in the wings to swoop in and take me away, but it's important that he know that I will live my life to take care of myself. Neither of us want the M we had before - I was much too dependent on H. I know he doesn't want that, but at the same time, my independence threatens him, probably because it is a 180 for me.

I had an interesting thought last night after I got home from a "date" w/ my H (rented a movie, drank wine, had snacks & ML). I was thinking, we could simply live our lives exactly as we are now, him doing his thing, me doing mine, taking turns w/ D & spending some time together just the two of us every week, but living in the same house & sleeping in the same bed. I saw how, except for his cycling and my worrying (not so much lately), this could work long term. Obviously there would have to be an assurance of no OW, & to be honest, H would not move back if OW was still around - I know this as sure as I know anything. And obviously we would have to put in the effort to communicate and fulfill each other's needs.

I know we have a long way to go before that could happen, but I can picture it in my mind, and for me that's half the battle to achieving my goals. All along I was trying to figure out what our new M would look like if it couldn't be as it was before. I think I might be onto something, at least something to shoot for.

Time for some more work on my goals. This has always been a challenge for me, and maybe it's because of not being able to visualize where I want to be. I wish I could tell him all this. But I won't, I'll just work on myself and celebrate the baby steps.

Mike, I'm not sure if you should believe your W's drinking is about you. She is coming out of a bad period of depression and is likely cycling too. I like your idea of having plans that you would break to spend an evening w/ her. You accomplish two things - letting her know you have plans (GAL) and letting her know you would rather be w/ her (validation & loving gesture). You can't lose there - good plan. I really hope she says yes, but if she doesn't, you can bet she'll be thinking about what you are doing and wondering what kind of a date you would have had together.

I sortof did that tonight. H & I had made tentative plans that H seemed about to blow off. So I told him to let me know asap if he didn't want to spend this evening w/ me so I could make other plans. He called back to ask if we cold take D to the movies together.

I would want W & I to date for 2 or 3 months, work on the In Love feelings. A date night every week, R talks once a week how we are progressing, what we need from each other, good morning and night kisses, more hugs. Things we got away from over the years.

I think that's what H and I have been doing, dating, though it's been about 4 mos and I think it will be longer still before we can talk about him moving home. H did mention something about hoops he'd have to jump through to get back in the house, to which I replied that the only hoop he needed to jump through is to "want" to be back in the house. I put it in his court because I know he has to be ready.

The R talks once/wk would be tough since he's not such a talker, but maybe if they were short. I read somewhere that men aren't great w/ long R talks, but if you approach them w/ something small regularly, then there isn't the need for a really BIG R talk. Made sense to me, but by the time I read that there was so much wrong it seemed impossible. Now I see how the "baby steps" philosophy works in that circumstance, small talks, small changes that add up to bigger ones.

I'm really excited about something else I did today that was GALing. I had a babysitter that I didn't use much b/c she was very busy and sometimes couldn't sit for me. So I approached the mom of a girl who lives on our street to see if she was interested in babysitting. We talked about it and she'll start with a couple of hours to start. The great part of it is my D already loves this girl, so she'll have no problem on our date nights. And I get to tell D and H about it tonight. D will be ecstatic and H will see it as a 180 for me, since he had wanted me to find a sitter for years but I was too nervous to trust D w/ anyone. We have no family where we live, so no date nights for about 6 years - I know, sad, really sad. But that's changing and that 180 will be for me to make sure I always have access to a list of sitters.

Take care,
FA