I read what you said about what you have in common. The way you put it, it sounds like you were completing each other. And indeed very many couples live happily ever after with this kind of compatibility. There is a But there though. Both partners should feel what they offer in the R is equally appreciated and are happy with the "settlement". Was it so in your case? Did the kids change the balance? I could go talking forever about my H and myself but it wouldn't give you any kind of help, we are definitely NOT a success story...
I am really with ann on what she said about what could be going on in her head during the blow ups she has with you.
Both partners should feel what they offer in the R is equally appreciated and are happy with the "settlement". Was it so in your case?Did the kids change the balance?
The differences sometimes did create tension but mostly kept the balance. Yes, the kids did upset the balance in a big way. I felt overly stressed by the extra financial responsibility coupled with the increased daily clutter and scramble that comes with 2 young children. There was severe job uncertainty for me, I lost my dad, our 2nd child had some health issues. Roles were not so compartmentalized anymore. There was a lot of conflict as a result and she surely felt stressed, controlled, trapped, unappreciated, ...
Me-48, W-38 M14, D11, S7 W filed D 01/07 W had to move out 06/07 Current Thread
Ann, I've read your post several times over; it helps to try to put myself in your shoes or in this case my W's shoes.
Originally Posted By: ann25
I try to bring up something specific, but it may be years old... We forgive those things, but we don't forget, so when we start feeling similar to that again, it's easier to get back to that moment of hurt/anger/frustration like it just happened.
What she harps on seems so distant and trivial and certainly not done with any intent to hurt. With this sort of blame and attack I end up feeling hurt myself; someone has to break this pointless cycle. Anyway I think the lesson here (at least for me) is that sometimes we magnify/exaggerate things and at other times downplay them to suit ourselves so we can put the blame on the other person. And so I'm willing to accept her POV for peace sake and it would be much easier to do if she dealt with the present.
Originally Posted By: ann25
That is a possibility, but i also think she's probably struggling with her M being over.From a mother's POV, if i leave, I'm taking responsibility for my pain, his pain and the pain of my children.
She puts all the blame sqarely on me. And she claims everyone is happier with the M being over except me. I have difficulty accepting all the blame but if it means saving the M I'd do that too. What I also realize that in her mind (and in a lot of WAS) its over way earlier than they actually hit us with it.
Just_Me, I need to refocus and set some direction. I'm feeling very down and lost.
Originally Posted By: Just_Me
It's just my experience, but the WAS actually doesn't beat around the bush if they are considering reconciling. Maybe you should detach a bit, avoid negative interactions (since those are usually pretty easy to spot), focus on what you are doing, and wait to be hit on the side of the head when/if she's making a giant leap.
OK I haven't contacted her in a week now; nor has she attempted contact. I don't like the darkness; tried it earlier. Where to from here? How do I find "Sven the red" ? Do you have any good examples of successes where there was more "conflict" than "OM" ? I'm thinking that the OM/OW thing is easier to handle than the conflict. Thx.
. I have difficulty accepting all the blame but if it means saving the M I'd do that too.
I've never done the quote thing before so I hope I did the above right FB!
I'm not very good at this DBing stuff but I continue to try..... when I saw what you wrote about blame I just wanted to say something.. I don't think that you should be accepting all of the blame. Listen to what your wife says and try to affirm what she is saying (eg. "I can understand why you would feel that way").. but in saying that you are not necessarily agreeing with her.. just that you understand her POV. You are NOT entirely to blame for the status of your marriage.. it is a joint responsibility to work on communication and try to keep your marriage on track.
W2G, Your quote worked! I understand and agree with what you are saying but I seem to have gotten nowhere with that so far. At least if there's contact of some sort I can keep the validation thing going - but unless I take the initiative this does not happen as I have seen again the past week. I don't want to go dark again unless it helps the cause which I'm not sure about at this point. All you guys seem to have regular contact with your spouses (even intimate in your case) which I think helps move things along. On the weekend I got a call from an old friend of ours you said she had heard about things and was really sorry, etc. and asked for my wife's # to call her; I can't really stop this sort of thing and I don't know if it ends up hurting my cause either. I know I'm supposed to be in PMA and GAL mode but I think I'm very tired now. -fb2
I'm still with you, I haven't been posting cos I just haven't got any answers for this impass you've reached with W. But I am following you and will see it through to the end.
Ok.. I tried to read it but there were no high points.
Best I could gather she filed for divorce. You have the kids. You are at the 1 year mark it could be done at any time.
I want you to just post where you are right now. Quick synopsis. Let the emotions fly. No big words. Try not to make it pretty. If you have to make a new thread. I hate the thread lock here it makes it really hard to follow. You have been given too much info... Thread locked.
Remember I am used to porn threads.... they go on and on and on and well you get what I am saying.
Let it fly.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Forrest, thanks for stopping by and coming down to earth for a bit ;-) In a nutshell: W is friendly but I've been initiating all contact recently (phone or meetings in public places). The mention of exploring R however mild/indirect sets her off - tears, blame, anger, attack - tested this a week ago and quickly backed off; called her next day and she was back to friendly; left her that way and haven't called her in a week now. Kids are with me alternate weeks. D11 is hostile to me on the inside but cool on the outside; she and W are "buddies". For the past week I'm tired, I'm debating: friendly/dark/gray - so I'm doing nothing for now. Where I need to change most is to "let go of control" and listen well. I feel maybe I came into this too late in the game to save things; I'm a bit lost, frustrated maybe even depressed.
Found your thread: just 1 post and 3 replies?! And you are ahead of Lan the Man?! What's your secret? I read a few great/old threads esp some of Just_Me and you are correct history does repeat itself here.
In keeping with my plan not to turn all the lights out I called W today after more than a week. She was friendly and we chatted about 10 minutes on S7 and her work issues. I listened, I validated ... nothing new there. Got another big bill from my lawyer mostly just for shuffling papers; rip off.
