Finding my way out of the dark

[missmyfriend]

You are making a lot of changes for yourself. That is a good thing.

Be patient. He is like a child right now. Even though you arent his parent, you are the more mature one.

[mishka422]

gee, I've always been the more mature one....ALWAYS! I'm really tired of it. I'd like to act like a kid sometimes.

I'm going to tell H tonight that if he wants to spend time with our son Saturday he will have to pick him up after 5pm (that's when we'll be back from the football game). I'm going to a party tomorrow night for a friend's birthday. It should be a blast! He's turning 50 and they're having a BLOW OUT! I'm thinking I better take the golf cart to the party so I don't have to drive home. Of course, DUI's have been given here on our golf cart paths so I might have to rethink that.

[missmyfriend]

DUIs for people driving a golf cart? Do you have to have licenses to drive them?

[mishka422]

Yes and no. Anyone 16 and over can drive a golf cart but technically no license is required. 12 year olds can drive them with parent or guardian, 15 year olds can drive them alone with valid learner's permit, after that it's fair game! Trust me, people around here have some pretty crazy suped up golf carts! There are over 90 miles of paths throughout our city and everyone goes EVERYWHERE on them. In the summer I even commute to work on mine if I have the time in the morning.

I'm so NOT a drinker so 1 beer and I'm pretty much buzzed. I'm the standing joke of my bunco group...just kidding. Seriously, this party tomorrow night will be good for me, I hope. The only problem I foresee is that everyone there is coupled and I have no idea how it is going to feel being the 5th wheel there. There should be a large crowd though so maybe I can just blend in.

I did talk to my H tonight and told him that I would appreciate it in future that if he is not going to follow the schedule he agreed to he needs to let me know in advance if at all possible so I don't make plans for the night he is supposed to have S13. He snickered at me, said whatever, and that was that. I swear I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him!!!!!!! What a jerk!

Do any of you ever wonder if we are all just kidding ourselves? These people we ms arried really aren't in MLC, they are just WAS' who have not a care in the world and would just LOVE to be completely rid of us if we would only get a darned clue?

I know that is not a good attitude to have and it's not healthy sounding but it's just a thought that keeps repeating in my head. I don't WANT to love my H anymore since it only brings me pain. I don't WANT him to be in my every thought all darned day, every day, all darned night, every night. I don't WANT to be alone for the rest of my life. Obviously, Friday night on my couch is not good for my psyche.

Ok, I really wanted to stay positive tonight but went to this horrible dark place. I'm letting the loneliness engulf me. My son isn't even here after I cancelled my darned plans. His friend called him and asked him to come over to watch movies with him and he looked so hopeful that I couldn't tell him no. I mean seriously, what was I going to tell him, "No honey. Sorry, you can't go have fun with your friends. You have to stay home with your loser mom who is going to sit on the couch and feel sorry for herself." AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!

[Punktmann]

(((((Mishka,))))

You are NOT a loser.

Your husband is a loser, as of right now.

I hope that he remembers what it is to be a winner, and turns back towards the finish line.


All of us struggle with the aloneness and the lack of companionship that goes with being the divorcee' who only knows couples, usually with kids.

It sucks, but that doesn't make you a loser.

It makes you a great person who is in transition.


And gosh darn it, think about this....

Kids with aspergers syndrome who have accepting friends OBVIOUSLY have a great mom.

Your kindness and worth is shown in your son, NOT your husband.

Best to you.

Punkt

[mishka422]

Ahhh Punkt! You made me cry. That was really sweet to say. I do try to be the best mom possible but I just think that sometimes I get so overwhelmed doing this all by myself that I start to wallow. Thank you so much for the kind words. I really do appreciate it.

I'll just keep struggling through another day, and another, and another.........

[mishka422]

Any opinions on this?

My H is constantly telling me that if I need help with anything to just ask him. I struggle with that. It seems like he is trying to stay connected by saying this but then again, is he just trying to make me indebted to him? For example, today he picked up S13 and just a few minutes after he left he called me to ask if I had checked the fluids in the car. I told him I hadn't lately and the car needs an oil change but I haven't had the time or the money to take it in. He said he could take it for me on Wednesday if I want him to. I told him it was ok, I'd figure it out. Was that wrong? Should I let him do things for me when he offers? Is he just offering out of some sense of guilt? Is it bad DBing to let him do things for me? I don't want him to think I can't live without him and I'm just not sure how he would view doing these things for me.

I'm probably just overanylizing this aren't I? ARRGGHHH, I am so impatient and this is just going to kill me. I see him and I start crying immediately after he leaves. I can't stand feeling like this much longer. Strong and just fine one minute and depressed and self-pitying the next. This just plain stinks.

[peacetoday]

M
sorry for your pain
I think it is ok to ask H to do things within reason
My H does a lot around my house and that saves me money and it creates a nice friendship between us for now
I thank him and i think it makes him feel good,worthy
maybe helping us counteracts some of the guilt they feel for leaving,cheating
the pain is hard,especially in beginning
over time it is less intense
for now try to just take care of yopurself
C is helpful
talk to a friend or if you know someon who has been thru this.that helps
keep posting and venting here
peace

[mishka422]

I went to the party last night. Loads of fun and met some new people who were uber-interesting! The friend throwing the party had said in her e-mail "the indians are cooking for us." I had NO idea what the heck she meant by that but it was certainly intriguing. She really meant it - Indians as in from India cooked the birthday dinner. They made Tandoori chicken and Basmati rice with chicken and shrimp and the absolute BEST spices. Hot and spicy and deeeelish!

I hadn't seen this particular group of friends for about 7 months (we've all been crazy busy) so they had no idea I had lost 66 pounds so they each were exclaiming as I got there. Two didn't even recognize me at first! Had another major ego boost. One of the Indian guys, Mohan, who is about 23 years old and extremely handsome, when introduced to me said, "You are a beautiful woman. I must give you a hug! Wow, you're pretty!" HOLY COW!!! No one had said anything like that to me.....EVER!!!!!!!!! I almost lost my teeth. He was so sweet and spent the rest of the night teaching me Indian dances and giving me all sorts of attention. I asked my friend if she paid him off before I got there since she knows what I have been going through. She claims she didn't. Too funny!

Anyway, as I was arriving at the party last night my son sent me a text to tell me he and his dad were at dinner. I have been spending a lot of time in prayer for my H's salvation and that small quiet voice in my head told me to invite him to come to church with us in the morning. I decided to tell S13 to invite his dad to church but not to tell him I had asked because he probably wouldn't come then. I guess he saw the message on S13's phone though but he said he would like to come with us. He met us at church this morning. He hadn't stepped foot inside a church except at Christmas in over 6 years. He seemed to take a lot out of the service. I hope that God's voice will continue to speak to him and that I can have the opportunity to witness to him in a way that he will hear and absorb.

I'm still thinking about the changing the oil in the car. I may ask him if he would take in Wednesday. It would certainly be a big help to me.

[missmyfriend]

Mishka, I am glad your H went to church with you. Something I hold onto is that God can reach out to anyone, even through people that do not reach out to Him.