How do you know that your H isn't missing you and D? I often think they are missing their families and just trying to keep themselves as busy as possible so they don't have to think about it.. 'cause I know in the beginning my H hated thinking about us because he felt guilty.. so he did whatever he could to busy himself so he wouldn't feel guilty.. but he said it still caught up with him.
I too feel like my H seems settled in his new role as part-time Dad and part-time friend to me... but by DBing I know that I'm handling this better than I would be if I hadn't ever picked up the book. I'm not sure how long you've been DBing but sometimes it takes a bit of time to see any results. If you've given it a few weeks and aren't seeing anything than it may be time to try another technique. But going dark doesn't work very well when you have a child..
Thank you, Addie, W2G, Jen, (((((((what would I do without you, guys!)))))))))
Going dark is becoming a habit
I cannot possibly know what's going on in my H's head; I know that my old H would have called already 10 times if he missed me. But the "new" one has such a scheming mind... I really don't know. When we are together, things improve greatly, but when there is no contact, he just moves on. That's how it feels.
I found this video and it illustrates my feelings at the monent exactly (especially "on and on and on" part) :
BTW, just noticed that I've made a mistake in my first post: H left September 2006, not 2007. The Bomb was in December 2006!
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
I thought the dog analogy was great. You should try and think of her as a dog (or if it helps better as a b$$ch).
What you said about regroup, focus and think of an new strategy sounds good. I can't think of anything to suggest myself now (my kids are running all over the place and it's past their bedtime) but I'll go through your sitch and see if I can figure out what. But I am no good giving advice anyway...
Stay cool and calm. It's vital for your sanity and courage.
First of all, D17 has got a conditional acceptance letter from a very nice school (her first choice too)
Both of us got hyper and had a very proper pillow fight and ended up chasing our dog around the house laughing our heads off. Then the phone rang and D picked up, still laughing. Next thing I hear her saying is "hi Dad, Mom and I are having so much fun!"
They were talking for 15 minutes about her letter and then he asked for me (actually, it is not important, he always does). As I was already in a very good mood I chatted happily about the letter of acceptance and my work, and other things. No R talk.
Then I asked how he's doing. He said he is having a depression (is the Replay stage over? are we in the Depression stage?) but he didn't sound bitter, just sad and tired, and may be a little shy, as if he would like to open more but wasn't sure how I'd react. We spoke for half an hour, or so, and I started sensing that the usual awkward silence is on its way, didn't want to spoil the moment, so I said good bye lovingly and got a very warm respond. I am not really good at "acting as if", it was just a stroke of luck, one of those days when things go right, but I still think today I've done my bestDBing ever.
I wonder now if H is in Depression stage for real and I should prepare myself for the next stage - Withdrawal.
I am also thinking that going dark is working after all and I should continue.
Any thoughts?
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Congratulations on your D success!! Congrats on your success re DBing. Doesn't it feel good when the roles change -even for a little bit- and you are feeling great and he is not? I am not a mean person and hardly ever have mean thoughts about anyone BUT I am tempted with these guys...
I am not very familiar with the stages. It wasn't until recently that I realised my H maybe going through tis s$$t.
And if you think going dark is working, then please continue...
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
sorry, I've made a mistake, it's some art web site here is the correct link: 6 stages of MLC
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
If you feel going dark is working, then do more of what's working. Try to act as if next time you speak to H (since you got a positive response), even if you're not good at it. If you keep doing it, it becomes more natural. If H is in the Depression stage, he may be there for a while - don't expect the next stage too soon and set yourself up for disappointment. They sometimes peek out of the tunnel but run right back in. It was a positive talk nonetheless.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
First of all congrats to your D she must be so excited!
You did so well today. What good timing that he would call right when you're both having so much fun. Moments like this I'm sure he wishes he was there to share.
Like Addie said if you think going dark is working with him then keep it up!
Jen
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
