Perhaps this would be a good time to Take Stock (DR, chapter 7). The idea is to look at any progress made as a whole, not from day-to-day. Have things improved dramatically, are they slightly better, or is the R not moving forward at all? Look at the bigger picture.
There are questions MWD suggests you take into consideration to help you see where you are in the R.
Quote:
Well H brought the tea and at 12:15 called to say they were going from his friends house to the bar for 1 beer and he would be a little later maybe 20 min. He came in at 3:15. I got up out of bed at 3 and drove to the bar(3 min away) to see if his car was there, it was just his and his friend's(another friend owns the bar). Back to being inconsiderate? Sounds like it.
Inconsiderate? Yeah, probably, but at the very least, acknowledge and take some comfort in knowing that he was honest about his whereabouts.
Quote:
When he came home he wanted to know where I had gone since all the snow was scraped of the car. I told him and he said I can't believe you are hunting me down again. I said I didn;t come in, say antyhing or do anything, I just needed piece of mind.
If your H is truly willing to commit to working on your R and helping to rebuild trust, he has to understand that he must be accountable. Trying to explain this to H could be rather difficult. You have to be able to discuss it with him without coming off as controlling or accusing. No pointing of the fingers, so to speak. For example - "When you don't come home on time, it p*sses me off because I don't know what's going on! Why can't you pick up the phone and call me?" That's bad.
Remember, the key is to tell H how certain actions make you feel without actually saying that it is because of him, that his actions are the problem. Does that make sense?
A better way to get your point across would be something like this - "When I don't receive a phone call letting me know you're going to be even later, I worry. I worry if something may have happened, and not knowing what's going on is excruciating/unbearable/nerve-wrecking. Receiving a call would help ease my anxiety."
Quoting Dr. Glass in reference to Being Accountable:
Be willing to prove you are trustworthy. If you are the UP and your S is constantly snooping around, you might misperceive his or her need to know as an autonomy problem for you instead of a security issue for your S. It isn't that your partner has a neurotic need to control your every move. Rather, knowing what is really going on is the only way a traumatized person can begin to reestablish trust. Your approach here can be, "I will help you check up on me." Specifically, you can turn over the beeper, share the cellphone bills, and share you e-mail correspondence. If your A was an internet A, share your internet history file.
Be accountable for your whereabouts. You may feel smothered, but you owe it to your partner to let him or her know where you are. It may feel as if you are curtailing your freedom, but what you are really doing is taking care of your partner's anxiety. If you are going to be late, call home. It's not fair to create worry. After half an hour, your partner is imagining all kinds of horrible things. Think of what it's like to have a teenager with a new driver's license who doesn't want to wake you up by calling to let you know he or she will be late. You are already sitting on pins and needles, picturing the funeral. In your case, your partner is on pins and needles picturing the rendezvous.
BTW, as to whether or not your H is still cake-eating, I personally don't think that's the case at the moment. Not with all the positives I've seen in your sitch lately. "Good sex provides an incentive to overlook little annoyances or to rebound more quickly from arguments. A couple's sexual R creates a bond that can carry them through good and bad times."
Hope you have a great date night!
Remember - NO pressure. Hope but do NOT expect. Keep things light and low-key. PMA, PMA, PMA. Be Positive, Cheery, Upbeat.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
