Since I am 100% totally pitch black dark, the primary mode of communication I am experiencing right now is IN MY DREAMS.
Last night I had a dream I was in my apartment and someone had put a key in the door and was opening the lock. I got scared! Who was this person "breaking in" to my apt? I rushed to the door and maybe tried to close it or maybe just looked through. B was standing there, maybe with his suitcase, and a garment bag slung over his shoulder. I said, "Do you want to try this again?" And he said, "Yes." Then I shut the door and he stepped away from the door. Presumably so we could re-enact the meeting and I could welcome him instead of trying to shut the door against an unknown intruder!! (Sometimes when we had a rough start to a visit or date we could pretend to "start over"). And then I woke up.
I wish I hadn't woken up!! I wish I had been able to see what happened next! But if I hadn't woken up, maybe I wouldn't have remembered the dream at all.
I wish I could remember more clearly if I was trying to shut the door on him because I was afraid it was a scary intruder or just looking through to check to see who it was. If I was trying to shut the door on him that might indicate there is something I am doing that is preventing reconciliation.
