1-Spending time with the kids has been extremely beneficial for all three of us. Both of my kids are getting used to me being around and their behavior has started to change for the positive. My son has actually kept his room clean for the last month and doesn't need an supervision in keeping it clean. My daughter, after some initial distress, is starting to respond to the behavior boundaries that I have put in place and is cleaning up after herself and behaving 80% of the time. I have come to learn that I have been missing spending quality time with them and that may be what a true parent strives to achieve instead of the illusion that providing is enough.
2-I have lost close to 45 pounds and feel great. The OW saw me last week and IM'ed me later telling me how great I look. It was a bit weird, but felt good. On top of that, I went out with a friend last Friday and it was incredible that women were checking me out and coming to me to flirt and talk. I do not plan on pursuing these women, but it was very nice to be noticed in that manner.
3-I am working hard at stopping my hovering around my wife. I can usually succeed for 4-5 days then something comes up. Last Friday the OW won front row tickets and back stage passes to a concert. I had plans to go out and do something, something she says I need to work on-GAL, and we needed to change schedules. First I was angry because I was doing what she wanted me to do, then asked me to change my plans. I took myself out of the emotional thought process after a few hours and said if the situation was different, I would gladly change my plans so she had the chance to go. So we lined up a babysitter and I didn't have to change my plans and she was able to go to the concert. When she returned the next day she gave me a big hug, she came to me, and a kiss. We then had a few good days until Wednesday morning. The previous night I was feeling very amorous, kept it hidden and didn't do anything, and my wife wanted to know in the morning why I kept tossing and turning all night. I told her and she replied that she felt the same way but didn't want to act on her feelings to confuse the situation. That afternoon she called to make sure I could pick the kids up from the school bus. I could hear she was extremely distressed and I asked her why. She had joined the OW for lunch, after which the OW invited another friend over for the afternoon and not my wife. I calmly asked my wife to look at the situation from the OW's perspective and calmed her down. My wife went over there and has been spending time with the OW, but has been depressed ever since. They went away to a cabin with some friends this weekend (including OW) and I gave her a kiss before I left (she kissed back) and wished her to have fun. It was then later that morning that the OW IM'ed me and talked about the situation. She seems very remorseful and kept mentioning what a great guy I am and she doesn't like what is happening. Oddly I reassured her that she is what my wife needs at the moment (and I believe this)because I have things that I need to fix on myself.
4-Working on myself-I have been reading a lot of self help books, spending time contemplating my life, and seeing a therapists. I have started working very hard on changing my personal perspective on everything and focus on the silver linings of the clouds. I have found this very beneficial and I am actually happy about 75% of the time. Another thing I have been working on is removing my thoughts from the emotional side of the brain and looking at situations without the fogginess of emotion. This is also helped me understand stuff about myself and my wifes situation that I may not have noticed behind the fog of emotion. I am jealous that I don't get the quality time with my wife that she spends with the OW, but I know that will come with time.
5-Confidence-This is a hard one area that I am just starting to work on. Do to some early issues around the time our son was born (very sick and demanding child-even to today) my wife rejected me often. I understand the rejection because she was emotional wiped from the daily activities with my son, but combined with years of double bind situations that my wife has put me in (example-Come home and wife is complaining about dirty dishes in the sink-I take that as start doing the dishes daily because you aren't being a good husband or partner-then I start doing dishes and she gets mad because I am doing her job-LOL..side note..I am probably the only husband who has actually been hollered at for doing laundry)I feel like I am always walking on egg shells. My wife Thursday (after a kiss-during which I was shaking physically) said that I needed to rebuild my confidence before there will really be any more intimacy. Combined with my prior lack of confidence and the current situation where I think she may get mad if we kiss and reject me again, I don't know how to rebuild my confidence. Does anybody have any suggestions? I have looked around the internet, but have not found anything that gives me a strategy to start rebuilding. I used to be that guy who could talk to any woman in a bar without a thought, but know I feel like ever move could be wrong and act nervous because of this. And we all know that an under confident person is not attractive.
6-GAl-With regards to the above, I have also begun to spend time with well grounded friends who aren't judgmental about the situation and have children for mine to play with. This has been good for the children and myself.
