Sorry you are here. Don't worry! We are a strong bunch here, true survivors. I for one have only been D'd for about 1.5 years, but separated for over 4.
The rules do vary from state to state. I will tell you what I did, which worked out good for me. We used a mediator to help us divide the property, but I filled out the paperwork myself, which saved big bucks. We split the cost of mediation, each of us writing a check for half the bill at the end of each session. I consulted my OWN attorney to go over the paperwork and separation agreement to make sure it was in my best interest.
As to the 401 K, we had that evaluated along w/ the rest of the accounts. EVERYTHING that is earned or acquired during the marriage is considered JOINT PROPERTY. In our case we both work as educators for the state of California. Our retirement is based on what we are earning when we retire, NOT what we contribute during our working years. So we paid to have the retirement accounts evaluated. It cost about $300 (Split the cost). It was money well spent, tho. We learned that each of our retirements were about equal, so it didn't make sense to split them.
If it is determined that you need to cash out and split, then you get a court order to split the properties. I am glad I didn't have to do that, but some here have.
If you can't afford your own attorney look into Legal Aid or go to a Women's Center and see if they can help. I highly recommend you get someone who will advocate for YOU!
Good luck, Baby steps, And blessings.
SG (The other sg!)
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
