Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
What did you and the kidlets do for fun? Did you find anything interesting while out shopping?
Remember its okay that you take a step backwards as long as you make up the ground and perhaps a little more after you regroup.
Smile. Hug those kidlets.
and don't forget to breathe.
~ swl
Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear. {Henry Wadsworth Longfellow}
You guys are too funny! Why not just get a VS catalog?
I planned to sleep in this am, but woke with feelings of I did it again! I ran into a few of the mothers at my son's school (H works there) I told them what was going on. Am I trying to get them on my "side", get suppport, tell my side? I guess so. Also, last night I talked briefly to H after speaking with boys. We always call at 730 to who has them.(H every other weekend) S10 says Daddy just put on a new PS2 game for S6. H does this. I call at 730 and the pizza just arrived, or he just put the movie on. He asked me about the great idea about how to solve the problem about the school district moving S6 to year-round school. He emailed me about this a few days ago and I ignored it. His idea was to use H's apt. address to keep him at the school he is. I am trying 180 to always agree, but failed this time. I said first that is illegal, second son doesn't live with you (thinking child support $ if documented that he does). He said, well he will be living here some of the time. I did NOT say, it is called visitation. I said, anyway, your address would put him at a different school. I should have said, yes, great idea, but wrong address for school. I then told him how the doctor that did my surgery (ulnar nerve relocation 4 days before H moved out) wrote a letter in such a way that workmens comp denied the claim. I didn't sound mad, just frustrated, sad. I said there were a few other troubling things happening. He kind of questioned this and I said I couldn't talk about them now. I said I had to go, good night. I want my M to work, I want him to see that it can. I am reading all about how my patterns and attitudes aren't working, I need to change, not just to save M, but to be happy.
me 41 H 37 married 11 S10 S6 Bomb 11-21-07 he moved out 12-09-07
Your doing good...quiet is hard to adjust to when you are sooo used to the drama...and you guys had tons of it!...one thing you really need to work on is asking H how he is...if something is bothering him...you need to remember to act "as if"...as if he is fine...as if he is not acting any different...as if you are fine...as if the world is okay and the sun is definitely coming up tomorrow!
The quiet is actually good...good for you and good for H...you both need to decompress from all the drama or you will get drama "bends"...H needs time to think...to reflect...you need time to realize the world does not begin and end with H and OW...you are still obsessing about his maybe contacting her...no doubt he will contact her...it is not unusual for them to hang on to the OW for some time...my H hung on for nearly 3 years after things ended with them...it has been over a year now of no contact with her (that I honestly know of anyway)...I did read his emails to/from her after he had been home for about 6 months...professing his "always love" for her...making sure she was okay and happy...stating that we had not finalized our divorce but more for financial reasons then for actually wanting to be married...one of his statements was how important it was for him to hear from her that he "always does the right thing" (not sure what was right about his abandoning his family but maybe she was refering to the end results)...and her reply at one point was that she always knew he would return to me (I wish I had known what she did)...
Bottom line...the time alone allows him to process his feelings for OW...and for you...it takes time to unlove someone (even if it wasn't really love to begin with)...then it takes time to love someone again...and I believe it takes much longer to relove someone...I saw my H go through many processes on the road back to me...none of them were fast...no love at first glance again...no putting your best foot forward and trying to impress me...but lots and lots of testing me...checking to see if I really had become the person I had been working on becoming...testing to see if it was lasting...testing to see if it was real...reconciling is not for the faint of heart...and the quiet is like the quiet before the storm...it is needed...get yourself built up...fortify your identity...create your new strength...build up your emotional house...
I know you would like to think that if H just comes home that everything will be alright...you can get back to being a family again...we focus so much on that coming home...but when they do come home to stay it isn't as we have imagined...it isn't candle light dinners...rose petal baths...scented sheets...real life is hard...when they come home the real real hard work begins...so take this quiet time to really think about how you will handle this...initially you can't just bombard H with your expectations...you will have to bite your tongue a lot...walk on egg shells...and slowly....very slowly you will begin to see things improve...you will begin to see glimpses of H that are familiar...you will begin...slowly begin to express your real feelings...to be open and honest like you talked about being (but really they can't handle initially)...slowly life returns to the marriage...love beings to grow...a NEW relationship begins to blossom...it is hard work...it is a long road...and it is worth it!
And I have a question. You had spoken about falling back in love, i.e. your husband doing so. Now all along, there is no doubt that you loved your H, but did you too have to fall back in love with him? I ask because I see the statement so often, "I love him/her so much." From my standpoint, I did love Mrs IMP, but I wasn't feeling too much in love with her. I understand there is a loss and a void on the part of the LBS. But once the void is filled (and I have no reference point as I am now happily divorced), I have to imagine the real feelings from an LBS standpoint have to be mixed to a certain extent.
What was your falling back in love process like aside from the hard work you mentioned?
i want to know too. i am in the process of rapidly falling out of love w/my h. well, may be already beyond that point. what is the road back? no, i do not want to go back...
anyway, how was it for you?
me, h - 40+ m-20+ s, d, ss - 20+ s, ow, pa since 04.2007 h back and forth 01.2008 - 05.2008 h decided to be w/ow 05.13.2008 http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1415899&page=1&fpart=1
Welllll...good question...yes, I did love my H very much...even through the crisis...at the same time I was hurt and angry as to be expected... I can't say I had to fall back in love with him per say as much as I had to adjust my feelings once things started that direction...for a long while I did walk on egg shells...and questioned my sanity in doing so...after all I figured he should have been the one doing that...but I just kept hoping that at some point things would get to solid ground where I could start exposing some of my feelings and H would be able to handle it...and together we would work through this... In a sense I did have to fall back in love also...he had changed some...and I had changed some...so there was that...plus I had to get used to the new him with the new me... Like I have mentioned many times to ones here...reconciling is very difficult...and to question yourself...your motives...you belief that you can do it after waiting for the chance for so long...are all feelings I had and I suspect normal given the situation... Our relationship is much different now...I am calmer...I don't react harshly to situations that are not the way I want them...I don't panic...I am much more reasonable and patient...I don't have to have my "say" right now...I can wait and discuss things at a more appropriate time...I don't try and control so much (I didn't realize I controled so much...nor did I mean to)...if something really doesn't matter in the big picture of things I let it go...in return H responds to me in a more positive way...he is still growing in our relationship...there was a lot of damage that we were not even aware of in our marriage...things that had been covered over and glossed over to the point that we didn't accept that they existed and therefore didn't take the steps to remedy them... My H (in his mentally healthy state before MLC and after) is really a likeable guy...very inteligent...fun seeking...adventerous...those things are really easy to meld with him on...he can be quite stubborn and I have to accept that somethings we just won't agree on...before I always felt that if he didn't agree with me it was because he didn't understand what I was trying to say so I keep talking, trying to explain myself better...to him this came across as pressure and controling...he understood me but just simply didn't agree...I have learned that it is okay for him not to agree...as long as he understands me...which we have gotten better with in our communications...
Thank you, Lin. Yes, you did answer. What jumped out was that it would be different. It sounds like both of you really are the same people you were before with some little differences. And while I didn't save my marriage, I did learn that I would have to be a little different if I were going to save my marriage or be in a healthy relationship.
Wow Guys!!! Thank you for SOO much INformation....
Sorry I missed it!!
One thing I need to learn to do is not flip out over something. I really Need to learn how to CALM down.
This started last night. Me and the kids went shopping. Went to wallie world and can you believe I only spent $40!!! I took the kids out to eat...went looking for my D a new bookbag!
Anyway, then I came back home. On my way I have to pass the EMS building. H wasnt keeping the kids tonight because he needed to pull some time there. When we came by, his truck wasnt there.
OK...this is where my problems always lay and I need some help....I got a little angry. Why wasnt he there...was he with OW. DID he lie to me? My kids wanted to call him to say goodnight. Actually they wanted to stop and see him for a min, but when I saw he werent there, I let them call...OK, yes. I wanted to know where he was. I didnt say anything to the kids. They called him. He didnt answer, but called them right back. My d11 had said "hey daddy, we wanted to call and say goodnite. We were going to stop and see you but you werent there" He then told them that he was, his truck was parked around the back. Ok, he was telling the truth. He showed up to tkd this morning in uniform. My problem is I always kinda get mad when I feel like he is being sneaky. Or not telling me something. I know he doesnt have to tell me a thing, but when I feel like i am lied to or he is leading me on to believe there is still a chance, then well...you can see where I am coming from. I could have blown this all out of proportion before knowing the whole truth. How do I not do this? This seems to be my biggest fault with things lately.
Then today when he came over to get my sons ball glove, my son came up to me and said "daddy said we are having a visitor come to his house later" I said "really, did he say who" (yes, Im nosey) said he didnt know. So, then I get a little angry thinking the OW is coming over....My H can see my frustrations and asks what is wrong. I just said, "well, Son said you are having a visitor come over today and It bothered me that he told me" He then said it was some guy from the Fd.
OK...I need help with this. How do I keep from getting angry. I was never like this before the bomb. I know that all of this and everything makes me get angry easy before I know the whole story...does anyone have this problem??
It is something I need to figure out.
Help? I am really trying not to let it happen.
Then after that I had to go do some work. Had to make some delieveries somewhere....I was early and had to sit in a church parking lot to wait about 30 minutes...I was sitting there and saw my H and kids ride by...now this is an out of the way area and I did text him to say "what u doing" he saw me and came back, parked next to me and they ate their lunch and were going to go 1 block down to the park. I asked if they would mind if i went and sat with them, since i had to wait before I could do my work....the kids said Yes! mom, come to the park with us....H said nothing, he looked at me and said "bye" and drove off. I went down to the park for only a few min. He sat in the truck while I spent the kids around on the merrygoround for a min, when he got out I said I had to go, and he hurriedly said "tell mom goodbye, she has to go" He said it twice...I felt like i was being pushed away....So, I left. Wondering what was wrong, like I was intruding on his time??? He has never acted like that.
Im just so, I dont know....lost? Over analyzing Im sure. I just feel like I am being treated so different than before and I HATE IT!! Ugh.
You know I know what you mean about that in love feeling. I do love my H very much. With all of my heart....but the "in love" feeling I do not feel much. I know I could make it come back, but there is so much hurt lately, that i dont feel IN love.
I did invite my parents over tonight for supper. We cooked on the grill, it was so nice...and quiet! No kids!! I enjoyed spending time with them at MY house. I always go to theirs, but It was nice to have company for a change. Adult conversation!!
So, can anyone help me out on the not "assuming the worse"?
How do I take time to calm down while I wait to hear the whole story??
Big problem for me the last 2 days...
And thanks for the great posts!!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
