well today in counseluing she said that i have called her fat and ugly. i was shocked i never called her that once in our lives!!! it turnes out that when we moved and she BEGGED for a gym membership and she only went a total of 7 times in 1 year. i would ask her why wasent she using her membership. well io guess thats me tryingh to make her feel ugly and telling her shes fat.
OK guys heres the 1000 doller question. i reaslise that a huge premis is not bringing up your side and letting them vent. but WHAT DO YOU DO when they are taking EVERYTHING you said and making it negative. my W in inventing her own reality here. my friends say i cant just keep bending over and taking this because it just reinforces her belife thats shes right if noone tells her she is wrong. ok what do i do then? HELP
Do you think it will change her view if YOU tell her she's wrong?
Rewriting history is an MLC trait, there's nothing you can do but wait it out. Have you read anything in the MLC forum? You might find that it helps you understand what she's up to.
You have begun to figure out you are dealing with someone you just don't understand. Here is some insight. She doesn't understand herself right now. She is living many conflicting emotions. She feels her load is lightened. She feels she has moved away from whatever things were making her unhappy. She feels guilty about leaving. She wants to find a reconnection to you. The list is long. What do you do?
You begin to understand everything in the DB book. You read the success stories here somewhere. You believe that your best option right now is to be her best friend. A friend would be honest with your W when you explain how you might love your job, but are beginning to hate that it interferes with your private life. A friend would give her space when she wants it, and time to find her inner answers.
What would a friend say about her accusations? Would a friend take the defense or explain how unaware you were that your actions have created her such pain. Would a friend be needy for comfort that all will be ok, or resolve to be strong and available?
Not trying to sound trivial about your situation. But what used to be up is down. What used to be left is right, and right is wrong. Sometimes during this mess, doing what seems natural or right is a mistake. Doing something that feels totally backwards is called for. These things are called 180s for a reason. Going dark when contact with your W hurts very bad just puts a wall between you. Letting her vent has its place. It is being there as her friend. Letting her hear her own words echo in her ears will have an effect on her in time. She will reflect on them in more serene moments and look inside for the source of her anger. A friend will help her find it so she can let it go.
She wants to feel attractive. She wants to restore a percieved lost passion to her life. This is often the seed for relations outside the M. Sometimes there is no OP, but the fantasy of "what if" appears. When someone no longer feels good about themselves, or their life, they look for someone to blame (you are right there) and something that will make them feel better about themself. That internal question is often followed by the matter of "what about me, when will it be my turn".
Trying to schedule regular "dates" is very good. Regular relaxed opportunities to be social is good. It can help take down her wall one brick at a time. It will take a great deal of patience on your part. It will test your will to save your M. It will be worth it. You should expect less painful MC meetings in time. The damage she has built up inside over time is superheated and must cool slowly until she can finally release her issues safely and calmly.
You should read other very important books besides DB. Start with DB. Then Mars and Venus. Then Five Love Languages. The more you can learn about how you have both been failing to communicate at your best is important. You can use all these tools to work on yourself. Your goal is not to tell her about your changes, but to show her ... consistently over time. She will assume anything less is a trick to get her trapped back into the old M that was not working for her.
You will be laying the groundwork to build a new better M. You do not want her back the way things were. Her life was not working for her. It is very likely that something in her life before you two were together did not make her happy and she never resolved her old issues. Something in her growing up maybe. Maybe she did not have a good R with her dad, or feel like his little angel. She could have been missing that all along and feeling you would provide that. She needs to find that she is responsible for her own happiness. You can be part of it, but not in control of it. Right now she is fighting issues like this on her own terms, and probably has for some time without you knowing it. She didn't even acknowledge her demons. But they were not going to be suppressed forever.
Be strong for her, forgiving of yourself, and patient for the restoral of your M.
wow i just sat a cryed. thank you. ,your message is why i come here. to vent and get strengh. all to often i come face to face with my W and loos any big picture view. thanks again. i will be strong when she finds reality a little diffrent then i do, and i will tell her im sorry. becsuse no matter if im misunderstood or not, in the end im sorry the message i sent was not the one recived.
This will likely be an extended process and you do need to step back from it sometimes to see the whole thing.
Show her you are at peace with this "time out" and that you are strong enough for her to lean on when she is ready. My guess is that is the person she remembers saying "yes" to. It is the person she will find her way back to so you need to be ready. She can not help you work on yourself while she is consumed with working on herself. Only so much energy to go around. Show her you are strong enough for the both of you, and patient enough to let her set the pace.
i just get sooooo scared that if she continues on a path were everyting was wrong by me i will never see her again. i realise that if you love something let it go......
and i do see were i need vast inprovments in myself so i better get to work.
just sent my wife a myspace text about blue man group comming to our area. all it said was the date and the time. realy simple. i belive this is how i will act now and see how it works. nice with out all the " have a nice days" and " talk to ya soon" just a open ended offer.
well i sent her 2 text messages today. one was " i hope your feeling better." and the other was " church sunday?" so far she has responded to neither text. just so you know my W has her phone on her at all times. her last words to me were " call me or text me" so now that i did, the ball in in her court.
it kind of sucks because i know her brother came down to visit her today. her brother is in a realy rotten marrage with a control freak. her brother is also 8 years older then her and very protective. i know some of the gunk she has been telling him has very much influenced him to convince her to leave me.
but i cant effect that
i am here if she needs me and ok ( well trying to be) when she dont. thst is me trying to be a friend.
this damn waiting game is the worst!! im a cop and all i see are the bad things that happen to people, so when my W dosent return my text ( which she had done everytime so far) i get bonkers withy worry! she even told me to get a hold of her!! i know i know theres a million reasons tah she didnt answer from her phone died to she forgot it. but she's on sucha roller coster i never know what will set her off. GAL is easy but when you M is hangng by a slim thread its also easy to get a anti-life. sigh just want to be a friend to my wife but it seems im not even allowed that now.
wow im sorry for venting but even though i try to paint it in a good light i cant seem to understand why she didnt respond to my texts. we seem to be moving on a good path and this sends us back to the begining. i was told to try to get a hold of her more. you can see what i wrote it was 2 sentences total!! im kind of devistated because she could have sent back a yes or no and that would have been fine ( hell it would have been less then shes ever sent before) but to respond with nothing just seems mean and totaly disrespectfull. i just dont understand
