Overwhelmed with uncertainty

[GoingForward]

Had a great evening! Exactly what I needed after today . A bunch of my family and friends got together tonight for a surprise birthday dinner for my stepdad. Good wine, great food, lots of laughs. Wonderful times.

Since my last post this afternoon, H had called another 3, possibly 4 times. In one of those calls, he invited me to watch him play in his soccer game this Sunday. I said I would think about it, and it actually would depend on when he planned to pick up the kids for the weekend. The sooner the better because I have to work. If he gets them early enough on Saturday, then I can take care of my work sooner rather than later. If he didn't, then I'd end up having to work on Sunday, which would mean I couldn't go to his game. H said he would pick the kids up in plenty of time on Saturday; he really would like for me to go.

In another call, H told me about an annual dinner party his company is having in April, and if he's going, he has to RSVP by March 15th. He asked if I'd like to go with him. He read me an e-mail the company sent him which gave all the details, and it sounds like it might be worth attending. I didn't give him a definite answer though; just said it sounded nice. H added that he believes I would like the people he works with. Says they're really good people.

During one of those calls, he also talked about wanting to fix up the house, and whatever I wanted to do to it, he was all for it. If I wanted new flooring, the garage renovated, or a whole new kitchen, we'll get it done. WHO IS THIS MAN?!!! I said I appreciated that and it would be really nice, but I didn't think we needed all that. H asked well what would I like. I said if anything, maybe new flooring but it wasn't really necessary. H said consider it done. Wow, unbelievable.

He also talked about us and the type of R he knows we could have. H said all he wants is to be a family again. He wants to be around for the boys and to be a good father to them. He also wants to be a much better H to me. He said, "I have so much love and appreciation for you, and I want to show you that everyday. I took so many things for granted, and you were one of them. I will never do that again." I could tell in his voice that he was trying not to cry, most likely because he was still at work.

At the end of that call, he asked me, "Can I tell you ILY?" I was a little taken aback by that but said sure. He said ILY, and I said it back... ??? .... That was kinda scary.

H also called while I was out to dinner with my family. I was in the middle of eating when he called, so we didn't chat long. He said he just wanted to see if I was having a good time, and I told him I was. He also wanted me to be sure to give my mom plenty of money for the dinner; he knew she would be paying for the whole shebang and felt we shouldn't mooch (is that even a real word?). This was already my intention, but I thanked him and told him I appreciated it. This was very generous of him. Before hanging up, he wished me a good night, and I did the same.

After several attempts, my mom still refused to take money from any of us.

BTW, I did invite H to come along with us. Once a couple of days ago, and again today. He said thanks, but he's just not ready for that yet (being around my family). I told him I understood.

If we get back together, sooner or later, he's going to have to face them. My family will accept him back with open arms, and I've told him this. I know it for certain because they are very forgiving and want whatever I want. I just know that it's going to be extremely difficult for H when and if that time comes. He feels like he let everyone down, especially my parents. I seriously believe that my H will have a major emotional breakdown if that day ever happens.