OK...

Something kind of intense happened on Wednesday. During the real heat of the crisis, before I started posting, I had a couple incidents where I heard "The Voice" in my head. I think it is the voice of my intuition. I have been trying to listen really hard for The Voice ever since the crisis began, but it's been a couple months since I heard it. Mostly it has just been telling me to WAIT and BE PATIENT.

Because I am going out to San Francisco, I contacted my friend in SF's healer. This healer lady is very special, like a masseuse-counselor-wisewoman all combined in one. Her philosophy is that she removes obstacles so people can grow.

I left her a message and she called me back right away, but she didn't have any availability while I was going to be in SF. But she said just because I contacted her, a healing would still be taking place, even though we were not going to be able to meet.

We got off the phone and I went back to practicing my cello but I felt surrounded by love and deep deep calm and relaxation. I took a break to eat dinner and while I was eating dinner I just started crying... and I think I heard the voice again. I think it told me: "You already know how to love this person. You did a good job of loving this person. He just has to go through this right now by himself. There is a seed in his heart." And then, a little bit later, I think the voice told me, "Prepare."

Since this happened, I feel like my heart has been opening more. I have been able to sit with my feelings... I have been crying more but it's a good kind of crying. I think I have been focused so much on everything I could have done better that I've forgotten all the ways I did succeed in loving my B. And I have been so in my head with trying to solve all the problems by myself, while being dark, that it was easy to disconnect from the softness in my heart.

For example, I have been skipping my yin yoga class pretty consistently since the crisis started because I could not deal with laying in meditational yoga poses in silence for 1 1/2 hours without losing my s*(^. But today I went, and just laid there, and wept a little bit, and let myself feel.

This is such a journey... I am not sure what is next, but I am learning so much still...