TRYING to enjoy the quietness

[Donamite]

OK my mistake. No wonder it took me so long to find It is by Bowtech. All this reading is making my eyss see strange stuff.
Here is it

Live happy
Always agree
Be confident

Such simple words....such a powerful goal and mantra for
one's life. All of DBing is compressed into those 6 little
words.

I will state categorically, that the reason all of us are
here is b/c we violated at least on of the above. I
acknowledge that I violated all 3 - repeatedly.

Live happy
Always agree
Be confident

Books can and have been written about each point and our
unique, individual views thereof, so I'll just limit myself
to a few thoughts on each...feel free to add your own, for
sharing together, we build off of each other's
knowledge...I will be happy to read them.

Live happy.....Living happily means that you are the owner
of your own life - you are not the victim of circumstance.
You pick and choose who and what influences you and how and
most of all, it's the realization that you and you alone
create your own happiness....you are freed from the burden
of having others be responsible for that. It means you find
joy in the world you create and find happiness in the world
around. Ever been around someone with an infectious joy for
life? Be that person for yourself. Own your world. When you
live happy, you are able to always agree and exude
confidence.

Always agree - In matters of perception, the other person
is *always* right. Why not make them righter? If we
disagree with someone's perspective, we are making them
wrong - and making them wronger only makes them dig in
more, for they are sure they are as right as we think we
are. In addition, by making them righter, by not fighting
against them, we are demonstrating our own internal sense
of security - we know our point of view and are strong
enough to be able to listen to someone else's...esp so when
we confidently agree w/o being or
feeling "defensive"! "Your perception is right and I'm so
confident of myself that I've no need to defend myself!" -
do you think our Ss would dig this? Furthermore, by
agreeing, we show empathy and take away any reasons they
may have to fight against us. Now, always agreeing doesn't
mean you cannot present your point of view - far from it -
in fact, it helps your point of view be heard, for you are
showing that you're hearing theirs. It also doesn't mean
that we cannot be in control - far from it there too - we
can agree to something and either make it seem like our
decision and/or set the terms of the actual happening. All
we've done is take the fight right out of them and made
them more right. Last thought here - would you prefer to be
married to a person who's more right or more wrong? Think
about how your disagreeing with them reflects back on you.
When you always agree, you live happy and are confident.

Be confident - the simplest and yet the hardest to define.
To thine own self be true. When you're confident, you don't
need to pursue. You don't need reassurance. You don't
pressure. You don't need to feel sorry for yourself. You
don't need the other person in your life. You don't "need"
period - you merely prefer. When you're confident, suddenly
it just doesn't matter what she says or does, for you are
confident of your direction in life and end purpose and
goals. When you're confident, you know it's okay to "fail"
for it only becomes a learning experience and you know
you'll do better next time. When you're confident, you stop
saying "I'm sorry" and asking for permission: Words
like "would" and "should" and "could" disappear from your
life. When you are confident, you live happily and are
secure enough to always agree.

Live happy
Always agree
Be confident

Michele taught us a valuable lesson - how to acheive these
goals - by doing them! To live happy, all it takes is to
act happy - pretend at first, but do it! To always agree,
merely stop disagreeing, no matter if ever fiber in your
body screams "defend yourself, defend yourself!". To be
confident, make little decisions and make more of them.

Live happy
Always agree
Be confident

That's all it takes. That's all there is.

Live happy
Always agree
Be confident
************************************************************

1st, you ARE DBing.....the whole idea behind it is to stop
negative behaviors (our own), try something different,
monitor the results, and DO MORE of WHAT WORKS...while
stopping doing what doesnt work. ....

2nd, you are absolutely right that ow will most likely do
herself in....people told me that over and over, and I
couldnt see it, but now I understand....the longer your H
wavers, the more impatient, nasty and demanding ow is going
to be....I had several people tell me to sit back and wait
for her to drive him right home, which is EXACTLY what
happened. It took forever and a day, but it happened. I'm
trying to think of some of the people who helped me, you
might be able to look up some of their old threads....lets
see, punkins mom; Ellie (valentines day massacre);
Christine E...and of course Sage....and SGtx.

You see, ow are as you say generally interested in an
ongoing R...M even...and they see the W as a threat (I'm
just now finding out how jealous the monster was of the
kids and me)...and as time goes on w/o the H leaving the W,
their patience wears very thin. I am convinced that many of
them EXPECT the W to throw the H out, so then he'll be "all
theirs"....I know that is exactly what monster did, and
even told H I would throw him out. Evidently she pitched a
temper tantrum once that "your wife pulled the dirtiest
trick in the book" by not throwing him out, and patiently
waiting.
It's funny you mentioned the 'Stones song...."time is on my
side, yes it is...."
I actually played that over and over in the bad old days,
until I couldnt get it out of my mind.

OK, here's something I've been going to get for you for a
long long time, I hope it will help. In my darkest hardest
times, I carried this around with me in my planner, had it
in my nightstand, and read it and read it and read it. I
hope it is as helpful to you as it was to me....Christine E
sent it to me a year and 1/2 ago.

THE "AS IF" ATTITUDE It all boils down to this ... you must
have a Special "As If" Attitude to significantly increase
the likelihood your marriage will be saved -- even if your
spouse really doesn't want to work on it. You can make a
difference.This attitude is full of positive energy and it
releases very powerful and deep psychological mechanisms in
your spouse. The strength of those mechanisms is largely
determined by how well you live your Special "As If"
Attitude.

There are four key things to remember about this
Special "As If" Attitude:

A. a model, a concept visualization tool to help you
understand what has and is and can be happening with your
spouse.

B. knowledge, your knowledge of the DB principles may be
the single most important knowledge you need in order to
win back your spouse and save your marriage.

C. patterns of behavior, recognizing what got you here and
what will take you home.

D. the design of your Special "As If" Attitude, what you,
personally need to do.

A. Special "As If" Attitude Model This model is a simple
attempt to help you understand what's going on right now ..
and to make it easier to understand why the attitude with
which you deal with your spouse right now is critical to
the improvement of your relationship and marriage. Imagine
a 1 inch ball (Ball "A") suspended inside a 3 inch ball
("B") that is suspended inside a 5 inch ball ("C").
Ball "A" consists of the core values of a person ... the
very best they have inside them ... how they really feel
about the most important things in life ... love, God,
marriage, children, family, etc. 'A' values are very deeply
seated in the subconscious, and while they manifest
consciously (to one degree or another), the important thing
to remember is that they are very deep in the subconscious,
are more permanent in nature, and change very, very slowly.
The primary function of "B" is to protect "A"; its serves
much like a modulator between "C" and "A". "C" represents
our what-we-are-doing-right-now behavior; it is more
topical and flighty, more conscious than subconscious, and
is largely temporary in nature.

Now imagine everyone has a Giver side and a Taker side. *
One side is caring and considerate and one that seems
impossible to get along with. The Giver follows the rule:
do whatever you can to make the other person happy and
avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy. It's
the part of you that wants to make others happy. It grows
out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir
of love and concern for those around us. The Taker follows
the rule: do whatever you can to make yourself happy and
avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy. It's the part
of you that wants you to be happy, and it grows out of your
basic instinct for self-preservation. In everyday life, our
Givers and Takers usually solve problems together. They
recognize our need to give and take simultaneously. For
example, when we buy groceries, we give money and take
groceries. We don't give more money than the grocer asks
for and we don't take groceries without paying for them.

In marriage, sometimes our Giver is more in charge ... we
are loving and considerate, and tend to make personal
sacrifices to see to it that our spouses are happy and
fulfilled, because our Takers are not there to defend our
personal interests. We love unconditionally when guided by
our Giver, because our Givers do not care how we feel. But
when the Taker is in charge, we are rude, demanding and
inconsiderate. All we seem to think about is ourselves, and
what our spouses can do to make us happy. We expect our
spouses to make sacrifices for us, because our Takers don't
care how our spouses feel. This is normal behavior in
marriage.

Marriage is one of the very few conditions that bring out
the pure Giver and Taker in each of us. And that usually
makes us seem much crazier than we really are. It is the
Taker that ruins marriages. But the Giver plays a very
important role in creating the problem. It's the effort of
the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets
up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been
giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little
in return, your Taker rises up to straighten out the
situation. It sees the unfairness of it all, and steps in
to balance the books. But instead of coming to a more
balanced arrangement, where you get something for what you
give, the Taker just moves the Giver out of the picture
altogether. It says, "I've been giving enough, now it's
your turn to give." We've all been through it, but it
doesn't work. All our Takers do is rouse our spouses' Taker
and the first thing we know, we're having a fight.*
(http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html
Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. Dr. Harley's website,
http://www.marriagebuilders.com and his materials offer
valuable help.)

Dr. Harley's Love Bank visualization tool is something like
a piggy bank for your relationship with your spouse. Your
Giver makes love deposits into the Love Bank, while your
Taker makes withdrawals.

B. Knowledge The more knowledge you have about the
processes you are dealing with, the higher the likelihood
of you saving your spousal relationship and marriage. You
know now not to beg or plead; as much as you want to, it
only works against you. DB principles are examples of
knowledge in action ... things you can do to improve your
marital relationship in far less time than would otherwise
be required.

It is very important for you to realize you are doing
something your spouse is not doing .... you are proactively
working on restoring your marriage. You are using very
powerful resources to do so. Your spouse is not. You will
understand more of what's really doing on in your
relationship, than your spouse. Your spouse does not know
that. You have a tremendous advantage in your relationship
with your spouse. Yeah, I know, it doesn't feel like that
to you right now, but it is true. Accept it and go on.

Trust me

C. Patterns of Behavior Patterns of behavior, yours and
your spouses, play a very important role in helping you re-
establish your marriage.

This Special "As If" Attitude model is built around the
following dynamic. Deep inside your spouse, the odds are
very high the love and values your marriage was/is based on
are still alive and well ... bruised some, to be sure, but
far from being gone or dead. You did a number of things
that contributed to some layers or films of discontent
settling around her/his core, and they prevent her/his love
from fully flowing all the time. The confusing
words/actions you are experiencing with your spouse right
now reflect different moments when the core and discontent
elements are coming out. That's why you need to just ignore
the discontent stuff; if all goes well, it will continue to
disintegrate as the core elements work their way into their
natural, more prominent place in his/her life and yours.

Your patterns. You've already demonstrated two different
patterns of behavior that have hurt you very much. The
first were those you used when you essentially to meet your
spouses needs .. they are the primary reason you are having
marital problems right now. Those patterns of behavior
essentially caused fine layers of 'residue' or film to
build up on the outside of your spouses' "A" ... so much so
that the feelings inside "A" have a very difficult time
coming out. If it isn't too late, and as you will see it
probably isn't, enough of those feelings are still alive
and wanting to function like and even better than before.

The second set of behaviors were those you showed when you
finally realized your relationship and marriage were in
very very serious trouble .. it was the words you said and
the things you did when the Bomb went off. In both cases,
you acted and reacted in the way(s) you thought best ...
and they weren't.

Right now, you need to 'crack' your existing mindset so you
can face and deal with reality. And, the reality about
DBing is that 99% of the outcome likelihood is determined
by how well the person follows the DB protocol, to use a
medical term. It's flexible and widesweeping enough such
that once someone catches on to it, their life changes
almost instantly, and an unbelievable peace comes over
them. They reach a 'center of gravity' point, a sweet spot,
kind of a M A G I C A L space in the center of all of the
Special "As If" Attitude stuff. They understand the
principles involved, and apply them in a strict but not too-
strict sense. They give most of your energy toward their
spouse and marriage, but they do it by working on
themselves, making themselves a happier and more desirable
person, someone who is always doing the 'right' and good
things. They no longer feel they don't have any influence
on what's happening right now in their most personal
relationship. They KNOW they have a whole lot to say about
its outcome ... so much say, they become peaceful about
themselves and the future ... with or without spouse, and,
yes, they still want their spouse and their marriage. And,
the truth is that because of what they do, if the marriage
makes it ... it will be much better than before.

If you want a tool that can accelerate the 'cracking'
process, this one works. Write up what you would recommend
to a new poster here, whose circumstances are identical to
yours. Describe it using your highest understanding of good
DBing. This requires a complete rethink of current
situation, exclusively from a DB perspective. It's a
headknocker. It does the trick. It works M A G I C

The m a g i c happens real fast when someone can do that.
The key really is thinking through and making sure your
words and actions are solid DB-wise before you say or do
them. To successfully do this depends on the depth of your
commitment ... how long it takes you to discard the baggage
beliefs you have about where things really are and what you
really can do about them.

Baggage beliefs were useful to us at an earlier time, but
now prevent us from accepting the beliefs we need now in
order to do a better job at whatever it is that God wants
us to really do while we are here. They include beliefs
about ourselves ... are we what we want and know we need to
be ... and then of others ... always mindful we have a Big
Time Helper in God, if we keep ourselves and our
relationships consistent with being a truly good person ...
all the time ....

You spouse's patterns. Two sets of patterns of behavior
your spouse has displayed are important here.

1. Early Warning Signals. These are the behaviors you
didn't pay enough attention to. They were the road signs a
dangerous road lay ahead. From the many hundreds, here are
a few typical signals. Spouse indicated s/he wanted to talk
about your relationship ... to help improve it. Spouse
talked about people you know who were having marital
difficulties. Started showing more dissatisfaction and
anger than 'normal'. You upset him/her far more easily than
usual. Complaints the two of you didn't really talk like
you used to. Less touching. Then, maybe none. The
automatic 'I love you' wasn't heard as often. And, isn't
heard now, except "as a friend".

2. The Bomb and its Aftermath. "Hello!" "Anybody Home?".
Brave New World. Armageddon. Some typical signals.
Separation, talked or done. Lawyer. Needs time and space
for themselves; its important to them. Doesn't want to lie
to you, but feels you don't want to hear "the truth".
Coldness. Love you, but its not the same. Friend. Doesn't
care about your feelings. Selfish. Hate you. Self-centered.
Confused. Different friends. Another woman. Another man.
Children. Finances. Emotions. Divorce. Indifference. What?

During this period, your spouse may not want to admit to
themselves or may not even realize, but the confusion
itself means they still are not unsure about leaving you,
about letting you go ... some part is still holding on and
hoping for a happy ending ...

Detaching spouses go through a series of phases or steps
either toward or away from their mates. The series taken by
detaching spouses who end up back with and committed to
their mates consists of three phases, (i) withdrawn, (ii)
transition, and (iii) intimacy. see
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html

In order for the Withdrawn spouse to get to Intimacy, s/he
must pass through a Transition zone. Lets assume your
spouse is in the Withdrawal phase. Right now your spouses'
Taker side is trying to convince her/him that you are not
worth the effort, and she/him should engage in emotional
divorce. Your spouse no longer feel emotionally bonded or
in love, and emotional defenses are raised. S/he doesn't
want to meet your needs. They are or have given up on you
meeting their needs. They want independence. They withdraw -
- you essentially withdrew when you earlier failed to
recognize and deal with your spouses' early warning
signals. There is less care in the relationship. You aren't
trusted. You don't have their respect.

You have to use your Special "As If" Attitude to influence
your spouses' behavior to the next desirable step ...
Transition ... where very carefully both parties start to
consciously or subconsciously work to improve the marriage,
though the detached spouse may not be aware of it. This is
the activity that crosses you from being in the Confusion
state to Centering and on into Completion. During this
period you and your spouse will likely be communicating in
a relative open manner. S/he will be expressing what s/he
wants, and you won't like some of that. You will take heart
in the fact that most of the most common 'threats' posed by
detaching spouses do not come true, and when they do, it
just means a little more work is to be done. You don't give
up. Some of the needed changes may take a while to show, to
express themselves in a clear way. If, after a suitable
passage of time, you haven't seen results in one area,
change what you are doing ... you are putting together a
group of behaviors that are good for you and for your
spouse and marriage. How long is a suitable time? Good
question. Have observed that if you follow one set of
behaviors for 4 to 6 weeks, your spouse will tend to
believe 'that's' the way you are. Whenever you reach a
point where you are certain your spouse 'knows how you
are', then change how you are ... always in a way that is
positive for you and the family, but that your spouse may
not realize. This is a dynamic thing you are dealing with.
That's why it is imperative you have the right tools to
work with. If you still don't have the book, get it.

In the Transition zone, conversation ranges from being
disrespectful, resentful and even hateful to kind and
polite and together-orinted. * Mutual self-centeredness
replaces selfishness. Your Taker still tries to see to it
that you are treated fairly. The problem, of course, is
that your Taker does not know how to treat your spouse with
that same fairness. Fairness is viewed by the Taker as
getting its way at all costs. Couples are still emotionally
bonded and that makes the pain of thoughtlessness even
worse. Love units are withdrawn at a very fast rate, and
then start to be deposited at a slow but increasing rate.
They may still hope that the hurting will stop, but they
don't trust each other to stop the madness, and then it
does ... a little ... and a little more. * (modified from
Harley)

During this period you start meeting your spouses emotional
needs again ... a little bit at a time ... then a little
more. You don't want your spouse to be fully aware this is
what is happening; at first it works on deep subconscious
levels. You must calm down his/her Taker. That's where the
Special "As If" Attitude comes in. In the Transition Zone,
the Taker in you and in your spouse urges you and him/her
to return pain whenever its received. You stop the cycle.
You don't return pain for pain. You do it in a loving, but
not submission way ... you do it with respect for your mate
and yourself ... you don't return pain for pain. This is a
very important change of behavior that has a major impact
on the dynamics of the relationship.

In the Intimacy stage, you and your spouse will have
rebonded and will be consciously working on your
relationship, with our prayers going with you.

D. Design In designing your Special "As If" Attitude, it
must be sensitive to and framed around the emotional needs
of your spouse. Affection. Sexual Fulfillment.
Conversation. Recreational Companionship. Honesty and
Openness. An Attractive Spouse. Financial Support. Domestic
Support. Family Commitment. Admiration. see
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html

It must include a positive outlook on life; no one likes
negativity ... it repels.

It must be compassionate. This is a compassion 'game'.
Compassion in that you have to care and act in ways that
hurt you to the core, but that are necessary if you are
going to allow your real love for your mate to overcome the
needs you have right now. Do not blame your spouse for the
problems in the marriage. You must ignore some words and
actions of your spouse, though they may deeply hurt. You
must put your spouse in First Place in a way you've never
done before.

The design must balance needs ... needs you have as a
person ... needs your spouse has as a person ... and needs
of your marriage. You must first think of yourself. You
must be of strong and clear mind to most effectively deal
with the issues in your marriage. In order for you to do
this, you must rest more than you have been, you must eat
regular, balanced meals, and you must keep yourself in good
physical condition. Most importantly, you must think about
your well-being and your future. You will still have a
future even if all of your efforts fail. But, odds greatly
favor that if you will faithfully adopt and live the
Special "As If" Attitude, you will win the full love of
your spouse back and your marriage will end up stronger
than ever.

Your spouse has two sets of needs that are important right
now. The needs s/he feels right now, and her/his core
value, "A", needs. You need to meet the needs your spouse
has right now ... the ones that reinforce his/her core
values ... and ignore the rest. You do this by acting as if
you were their friend. Back off from being a spouse ... and
let part of you become more of a friend to your spouse.
Tell them you just want to be their friend right now. Then
back it up. But be a very very special friend ... one who
never gets on their butt because they disagree with them.
Its O.K. to disagree with something your spouse says or
does, "I understand how you feel", "I can relate to
that ...", "I can understand why that made you feel that
way ... ", etc. You are not saying you agree with their
opinion or belief about something, rather that you are
agreeing that you understand how they feel. Big difference.

Your Special "As If" Attitude is sensitive to the emotional
and physical realities of your particular situation. Here's
an example. There are two major phases in developing your
Special "As If" Attitude. The first phase is where you put
forth a certain type of behavior that is made up of
the 'what-you-got-to-do's'. Positive outlook. Being a
friend. Those sorts of things. You adopt all of that as
soon as you possibly can. And, by "adopt", its meant those
attitudes become you ... they become so strong in you that
regardless of what your spouse says or does ....
regardless .... you keep those attitudes. They serve you in
ways that are almost mysterious ... they must be stronger
than your weakest point ... they must be stronger than how
you normally react to something, including emotionally.
They must be stronger than any pain your spouse can inflict
on you. You must commit and stick to them. Period.

After you have the core attitudes solidly in place ... and
you will know when this occurs ... then, its time for you
to shift the management or control of the relationship from
your spouse to you.

Right now your spouse thinks they know you -- your patterns
of behavior -- so well and they are 'certain' you can't do
anything to change the way they feel about you.

* "One of the basic ideas in my book is that if what you're
doing isn't working, do something different. A "do your own
thing" philosophy is a good one if you have been pleading,
begging or trying to control what your spouse is thinking
or feeling. If, on the other hand, your spouse has felt
unimportant or neglected in the past, your quietly sitting
back and not fighting for him/her might be misinterpreted
as your not caring enough to do something about his/her
actions. You see, what you need to do depends entirely on
what you have or haven't been doing in the past. The key is
in abandoning strategies that haven't been working and
finding something new that does work." * (Michele in a post
to someone on this board.)

* Whatever pigeonhole your spouse has placed you into, this
is the behavior you must change. You must surprise your
spouse by handling the situation differently the next time.
Any change might do as long as it is different enough for
your spouse to notice, even just a little. Be creative, use
your imagination. The single guideline is: The next time
you get into the situation where you feel tempted to do the
same old thing, do something different. *

You don't make changes in a lot of your behavior, rather
you make calculated changes in one or two areas. Then you
see what happens. The changes that produce positive
reactions in your spouse, you keep. And, remember, 'new and
different' is the order of the day. * Lets say you are
usually home when your spouse comes in, be gone. Always act
happy if you haven't been doing so. Use actions and words
that cause your spouse to think you are moving on with your
life even if s/he's in a bad mood. Do things without your
spouse. Stay clear of your spouse when they are in a bad
mood. Try just about anything you haven't tried before and
watch the results. * (Michele to someone on this board) If
you normally take his/her calls when they come in,
don't ... wait two hours if you normally call back
immediately; if you normally get back to morning calls in
the afternoon, wait until the next morning. If s/he knows
you always do one certain thing at one certain time of the
week or month, do something else, or nothing. If you always
talked and planned on doing something you haven't done, do
it ... a class you wanted to take ... a trip you wanted to
make, something at home you wanted to fix, etc. This will
fulfill a dream of yours and add credibility to the changes
you have made. * If you are a laid back person, then
fighting for your marriage is what the doctor ordered; if,
on the other hand, your spouse perceives you as controlling
or strong willed, backing off is exactly what you need to
do.* (Michele, in response to a post on this board)

And, very important, the Special "As If" Attitude doesn't
get angry. While there well may be a time when it is good
for you to act angry with your spouse, its probably best to
put off such actions until you really understand what you
are doing ... otherwise it can hurt your cause.

Your Special "As If" Attitude doesn't blame your spouse for
the condition your marriage is in right now. While both of
you may have contributed to its decay, for right now you
must recognize you did not properly take care of your
spouses' emotional needs. Right now, your spouses'
perception of what is wrong with you and your marriage is
more important than your perception of what is wrong. The
thing about it, though, is that your spouse is more
confused than s/he realizes. And, that's why the
Special "As If" Attitude pays very close attention to what
the spouse says .. and it doesn't believe much of it. You
keep the 'good' and acknowledge the rest ... In dealing
with your spouse, you reinforce the good ... those words
and actions that serve to reinforce core "A" values,
without appearing to do so, and you acknowledge -- not
accept -- the rest.

Your Special "As If" Attitude does not force anything on
your spouse. It starts with you, yourself, and you have to
trust s/he will see the changes. This does not happen over
night.

Your Special "As If" Attitude is used with everyone,
including your spouse, your family, and your friends. Make
it a point that friends and family hear your side of the
story first and best and most reasonably, if possible. This
will tend to reduce the amount of 'support' your spouse
gets from those sources. The less support s/he gets, the
better it is for you and him/her and the relationship. Few
people remain in the same place if they are not supported
in that place. If your spouse feels that friends and
family 'understand' what s/he is doing, s/he will keep
doing it for a much longer time than if they don't.

Your Special "As If" Attitude takes care of you and how you
look. If you will step up about a notch in what you wear,
this will have a positive impact on your spouse. They don't
expect this to happen. When it does, they like what they
see ... and the subconscious message you send is one
of 'change'. Your self-esteem will improve and you will
look better around more people.

Your Special "As If" Attitude includes a positive outlook.
Stop worrying about things you can't fix, like the past,
and work on the things you can change, the present, the
here and now, YOU. It will take time and hard work on your
part to show him/her what a great person you are, to remind
him/her why s/he loves you, and convince him/her your
changes are here to stay. Moping around and feeling sorry
about your situation will not convince anyone of anything.
If s/he recognizes you have made changes and says the
changes have come to late -- you need to recognize what is
most important .... s/he is noticing the changes ... ignore
the rest ... and just keep working on YOU!

The Special "As If" Attitude model assumes typically *
there is a power imbalance in the marriage relationship,
where one partner is submissive the other dominant. In a
good marriage, there is equality, meaning that partners are
able to easily switch back and forth where each is dominant
some of the time and the other submissive some of the time.
Things are truly shared. When there is an imbalance, the
submissive one feels unable to gain equality within the
marriage, and goes outside to redress the balance of power.
When the submissive partner decides for independence, the
dominant one panics and goes for dependence to hold on,
resulting in deadlock. The submissive one becomes the
deceiver, the dominant the denier. In deception, the spouse
becomes a different person doing new things, often finding
a new person. The denier holds on by not recognizing the
spouse's changes, signals of despair & rebellion, hoping
they will go away. It takes two to go the route of divorce,
every deceiver needs a denying spouse. Getting out of the
marriage is an act of desperation, and often felt as an act
of survival. You don't need to divorce to break out of the
destructive pattern, just change it. You break with the
old -- which is where the problem is -- to do something
totally different. *

Your Special "As If" Attitude allows for you to be
wrong ... for you to make an error in judgment ... without
losing your balance ... without taking backward steps ...
or even falling backwards. Do not expect your spouse to
SNAP be back. It doesn't happen that way. It happens
because what you do leads to some very tiny baby steps,
that become toddler steps, that keep changing into longer,
more sure-footed strides. And, along the way you will screw
up and make a mistake ... some may almost break your
heart ... but don't show it to your spouse. Sometimes you
may feel depressed; this is normal, but don't let your
spouse see or hear you this way. If you will 'get' the real
message permeating Michele's materials, it is that everyone
makes mistakes, many lead to serious marital situations,
and, being human, we can learn how to do better ... how to
improve ourselves and all of our relationships, including
the one that is the present center of attention ... and
actually DO IT!

Some of you may think the adoption and living of this
Special "As If" Attitude is too difficult to do. Perhaps
because of the pain you feel. The Special "As If" Attitude
is all about reducing pain ... and restoring relationships
and loves and marriages and families. Use every ounce of
will and help from God you can muster, and commit to and DO
IT! It works.

Reach deeper within yourself than the pain and hurt you are
feeling ... then DO IT!

If you are a woman, imagine the type of woman that is very
attractive to a man, a woman with the kind of attitude that
is attractive to a man, the kind of woman a great wife
would be. If you are a man, imagine the type of man that is
very attractive to a woman, a man with the kind of attitude
that is attractive to a woman, the kind of man a great
husband would be. That image has components that that are
different from some of your components right now. Energize
that new attitude with powerful positive emotions. You can
do it. Practice it and you will get to a point, pretty
quickly, where there will be a solid meeting or merger or
congruence between your reframed attitude and the emotions
that empower it. When you feel it slipping some, then
reestablish it the same way you got it there in the first
place.

When the 'new' you feels comfortable, go through all of the
good and 'bad' stuff that can happen with your spouse.
Specific things. Decide with your Special "As If" Attitude
how you will deal with those things if they happen. Of
course, you will use your highest understanding of the DB
principles when you address stuff that might happen. The
net effect will be that you definitely will worry less, and
worry contributes to ambiguity and poor decisions. You will
worry less because you will have a much more accurate
understanding of what is really going on in your
relationship -- odds greatly favor it isn't near as bleak
as it may appear -- and you will know you are dealing with
it in a way that works. And, you will be happier because
you will know down deep that you are doing the stuff that
is best for you, and for your spouse and the marriage. Oh,
a minor point -- this will also have a tremendous impact on
your spouse. It will tend to drive him or her a little
(more) nuts for a bit, when s/he finds that various
reactions s/he has learned to expect from you don't happen,
and instead something fresh and clean and pure does. This
works on a number of levels, at the same time.

Remember, the outlook is not as bleak as you think -- once
you understand the book, read the forums suggested to you
along with a few hundred of the posts here, you will know
that is the truth. The more you learn, the more you will
understand how and why to always keep the right attitude.
The more you learn, the less stress and anxiety you will
feel, while you really work on improving your marriage.

One more thing ... if you haven't forgiven your spouse for
the pain they have caused you, DO IT!