No baking memories with my parents unfortunately.. I don't really recall them spending much time in the kitchen at all. I guess that may explain my lack of interest in cooking.. Don't get me wrong, I love the end "food" result.. but the effort it takes to make something great and then having to clean it up later.. so far in my life I have just been too lazy!
-I am now officially on SPRING BREAK. Alleluia!!!!
-I am flying to San Francisco on Wednesday to see three good girlfriends.... so exciting!!!
-I had so much material prepared for my cello lesson today that my teacher gave me *two* lessons and they were both awesome. I am really excited about my progress... we are tackling some really tough stuff but I am starting to get it! *And* she even asked me if I had noticed that she was being more focused during our lessons... so she is consciously trying to heal our relationship. It's not just an accident. Yay, healing!!
-In yoga class yesterday, my teacher remarked that the body automatically uses what is most strong and open. Yoga is about bringing awareness to the parts that are weak and closed so we can bring ourselves into balance. I thought: wow. Just like DB'ing... learning new skills inside our hearts.
-In yoga class *today* my other yoga teacher told me it looked like I had lost a lot of weight! Man! That felt so good! Backstory: When I moved to ATL I gained like 30 pounds (blecchhh) probably from not making love since B was in another city, being stressed, and not biking as much. So getting back in shape has been one of my major goals... and it seems to be happening already!!
-I went out with a friend on Wednesday night. We had a good heart-to-heart over chai chocolate pots de creme, and then watched Persepolis, an excellent animation (serious) about a little girl growing up in Iran. I got all dressed up in my hot wintertime accessories that I don't normally get to wear because normally I am bicycling. Can I tell you guys: GAL WORKS!! I saw myself in the mirror at the movie theater and I thought, damn! I look HOT!! All it took was a good outfit and a fun place to go!
Well, if we lived in the same place I would promise to clean up after you if you let me eat one of the muffins
But don't worry, where!!! Everyone is allowed in the muffin eating club! No baking is required... and I am crazy about muffins in all their forms. So we can still celebrate together
You know what?? My mom grew up eating beans from a can. And then she made this best friend, Jan, who was crazy into making food from scratch. Basically Jan changed my mom's life... and my life too, because my Mom started cooking interesting things. I kinda think sometimes we need someone to hold our hand and say, look! this is really not that scary!! It is funny now that I am in grad school and a lot of my friends are just learning to cook and I think, maybe I will be their Jan, and show them it is not too scary!
For me it is about finding something simple and spectacular... I put off making chai chocolate pots de creme for a long time b/c it had 6 steps in the recipe!!!
Something kind of intense happened on Wednesday. During the real heat of the crisis, before I started posting, I had a couple incidents where I heard "The Voice" in my head. I think it is the voice of my intuition. I have been trying to listen really hard for The Voice ever since the crisis began, but it's been a couple months since I heard it. Mostly it has just been telling me to WAIT and BE PATIENT.
Because I am going out to San Francisco, I contacted my friend in SF's healer. This healer lady is very special, like a masseuse-counselor-wisewoman all combined in one. Her philosophy is that she removes obstacles so people can grow.
I left her a message and she called me back right away, but she didn't have any availability while I was going to be in SF. But she said just because I contacted her, a healing would still be taking place, even though we were not going to be able to meet.
We got off the phone and I went back to practicing my cello but I felt surrounded by love and deep deep calm and relaxation. I took a break to eat dinner and while I was eating dinner I just started crying... and I think I heard the voice again. I think it told me: "You already know how to love this person. You did a good job of loving this person. He just has to go through this right now by himself. There is a seed in his heart." And then, a little bit later, I think the voice told me, "Prepare."
Since this happened, I feel like my heart has been opening more. I have been able to sit with my feelings... I have been crying more but it's a good kind of crying. I think I have been focused so much on everything I could have done better that I've forgotten all the ways I did succeed in loving my B. And I have been so in my head with trying to solve all the problems by myself, while being dark, that it was easy to disconnect from the softness in my heart.
For example, I have been skipping my yin yoga class pretty consistently since the crisis started because I could not deal with laying in meditational yoga poses in silence for 1 1/2 hours without losing my s*(^. But today I went, and just laid there, and wept a little bit, and let myself feel.
This is such a journey... I am not sure what is next, but I am learning so much still...
Wow, blueberry ricotta?? Maybe they will be like blueberry cheesecake muffins!!
Quote:
You are getting to know yourself so well.
This might sound retarded, but I am actually extremely grateful for this crisis. I have learned so much about myself, & figured out so many things I never would have had to face otherwise. And there is still so much to do! I just really hope I get to share my changes with my beloved!!
Since I am 100% totally pitch black dark, the primary mode of communication I am experiencing right now is IN MY DREAMS.
Last night I had a dream I was in my apartment and someone had put a key in the door and was opening the lock. I got scared! Who was this person "breaking in" to my apt? I rushed to the door and maybe tried to close it or maybe just looked through. B was standing there, maybe with his suitcase, and a garment bag slung over his shoulder. I said, "Do you want to try this again?" And he said, "Yes." Then I shut the door and he stepped away from the door. Presumably so we could re-enact the meeting and I could welcome him instead of trying to shut the door against an unknown intruder!! (Sometimes when we had a rough start to a visit or date we could pretend to "start over"). And then I woke up.
I wish I hadn't woken up!! I wish I had been able to see what happened next! But if I hadn't woken up, maybe I wouldn't have remembered the dream at all.
I wish I could remember more clearly if I was trying to shut the door on him because I was afraid it was a scary intruder or just looking through to check to see who it was. If I was trying to shut the door on him that might indicate there is something I am doing that is preventing reconciliation.
You are amazing, inspiring, fun to read (and bet to be with), you are upbeat, openhearted (my word?), probably very tender (otherwise we woudln't be (((hugging))) so much) funny, thoughtful, clever, an artist, a great cook-muffins maker at least, you can connect easily with all people and I want you to know that from all the people on this boards that I came across their stories, I think you are doing the best job by far working on yourself and REALLY dealing with your "issues".
I do not know if your B is coming back -but I did hear what you said about the voice and that means a lot to me- but whenever that special man comes into your life and you choose him to be your life partner he will have won the LOTTO, or whatever you guys call the first most important prize anyone can win...
I know that you hurt and you don't share with us all those sad and heartbreaking details like you do about your muffin making. I very often think of you and how going dark must feel like, but I don't believe what happened was an accident, or luck. You are preparing yourself for the greatest love of all in you life (is it your B or someone else) and you better... start waxing girl because I hear the footsteps on your yard...
Love Kalni
PS Consider the last part about waxing my interpretation of your dream...
I am not sure I can offer an interpretation, but are you worried at all that there is something that could prevent reconciliation? I also wondered if the dream might reflect that the original plan was to maybe try and break NC in March? And lo and behold, March rolls around and B appears in a vivid dream....
Have you had any more thoughts around that? I like that B said yes in your dream when you asked if he wanted to give things another try. I would love that to happen in real life too and am rooting for it. Kalni is right- you are doing such an amazing job of looking into yourself and making changes. That takes real guts to do.
(((T)))) I will definitely let you know how the muffin making goes. Or you might feel it- I might eat them all and get so heavy that England sinks into the North Sea!
Hey T...thats why I came to post! To see if you had any thoughts about contacting your BF because I remembereed that you talked about spring break at March. Great minds think alike OneDay!
I really identified with what you said when you said...
Quote:
This might sound retarded, but I am actually extremely grateful for this crisis. I have learned so much about myself, & figured out so many things I never would have had to face otherwise.
I couldnt agree more...you especially have opened yourself up to learning about yourself and worked hard to examine yourself. And Kalni is right, only amazing things can come of this, whether your BF realises what he lost, or sees the new T and wants that all over again, or whether your destiny is to take all these lessons and another man of your dreams to benefit from how enlightened and loving you have become. I think Essie was saying too it was the best thing that ever happened to her, she is 100% happier now than when she was with her H. Well for me, I wouldnt say I was happier, but I certainly have learnt so much and have so much to be grateful to my BF for for leaving me. I had certain fears and phobias that I had carried around for 18 years..and the devastation of him withdrawing his affection from me made that fear leave my body. And I have been freed up as a result! And I can see clearly the mistakes I made in my R and in all my Rs and hopefully wouldnt ever revert to the old me..as I think you have been learning about your style of emotional honesty.
Dont forget because of your age, you are in a critical period, the bit before the Saturn Return is a pivotal moment in life, which prepares us for the next phase, where we truly mature and grow..and you are doing all this great work to be ready to do that! SO...any thoughts about contacting your BF? Do you feel ready yet?? And is there noone you know that has contact with him that you could put some feelers out and find out where hes at in life, what hes up to?? Its just that theres been no news at all of him..do you even know where he is living or working?
I'm sorry I cant join in your Muffin making club!! I thought of you today...I saw some muffins when we bought tea and so I bought my BF one!! It was blueberry or something (and bran !!??) and I had chocolate, but then gave him the last bit of mine, which he got all over his top lip and I was able to make him really laugh because I told him he had a Dirty Sanchez (I'm not explaining, its rude! but funny) so thanks T ! You made me make my BF laugh.
Thinking of you and thankyou for your kind words of support on my thread, its been all a bit up and down this past 2 weeks for me ! I am a Big Dipper all of my own.
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
but funny) so thanks T ! You made me make my BF laugh.