Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[CMNM]

Good question Betsey. I guess I took the non-contact thing to mean no personal contact of any kind.

As for me...sigh, if only Meredith were feeling better. I think we would go out and eat Mexican food and drink and eat lots of expensive truffles as a way to celebrate the new me. Instead, I am stuck with a weekend full of homework. Ugh

[cagzmom]

You know what my first thought this morning was? I am being totally honest here:
"I'm still alive. Yesterday came and went and I am still here...I didn't die. I need to tell this to Cagzmom!"

Thank you for sharing that!! I mean it THANK YOU!!

[cagzmom]

You probably won't be surprised at the messages you will receive when you're really tuned into His plan instead of yours.

AH yes the co-dependents nightmare. The lies that my mind hears are that H was good for me, we were good together etc etc. AND I DO NOT know His plan. It is time for me to let go of my deepest hearts desire...and that truly is/was to be with H...My dreams, goals everything were wrapped soley in him and me. (notice where I placed H in that sentence....)

I have a question for you, and maybe you've answered it in previous threads... how are you going to be able to do the complete non-contact thing with a D11 in the picture? Does he not interact with her at all? How do you make decisions about her with him disappearing for 3 weeks? (I hope this doesn't come across as a judgment--it's not meant to be that, but a question of your parenting arrangements.)

H- lets see. He is a disney dad. He shows up ON TIME every other weekend. He drops off with GRANDIOUS promises of lunch dates with d11 etc. Truth? HE SHOWS up every other weekend. That is where the problem with the NO contact comes in.

This past week d11 was sick. IF my heart were at a better place I would have called H - and yes I think he would have helped. BUT FOR NOW -- I truly have to act is if he is dead. It sounds very harsh and I hope it is understood. BUT I HAVE to live as though he is no more. Even last night....if my HEART could handle it, I would have called him up and said "hey I have an appointment can d11 come over.." He of course would say yes.

Here is the deal with my h. When he gave me "the speech" it ended with "I wish we could be neighbors and live by each other and be freinds forever. I don't want to loose my best friend." He is the "PASSIVE" of passive aggressive. HE NEVER wanted to come off like tha bad guy - never. AND THAT is why this has been so very very hard for me. He plays the very kind, gentle soft spoken person - and admits he is miserable..wants to die etc. BUT he WANTS what he wants more. See...yet another thing about my H ---- for the 21 years that I have known him...he NEVER adn I mean NEVER did ANYTHING that he didn't want to do. NEVER!!! HE DOESNT want to be accountable, fix himself...he wants to wallow..and hide ride this out on his own. BUT YOU WOULD NEVER SEE it...he is the master manipulator (his own words) King of liars (again his own words). And yes - this is the man I love --HOW FREAKIN SICK IS THAT!!!

C, I love the idea of creating a new dream. My only suggestion is to be patient and flexible as you heal. Dreams usually take on a flair for the wonderful when you're in a better place emotionally. But start thinking about who you want to be and where you want to be and just maybe you'll realize things about yourself that you had ignored or not even realized.

You know how you caught on that I was the "praying type..." well in wanting a new dream...I prayed that God would create a new dream in me....my dreams ALL include H. AND that is NOT healthy. (and yes right now I am just saying the words....but my head knows it, just not my heart.)

[cagzmom]

Oh yes and Pam - in regards to this weekend. This one is easy cause he isn't around.

Softball season is approaching, but I think I have about 3 weeks until games (which is when he will show up). I have to get through next Thursday (d11 has a play) then Friday he picks her up...Sunday he brings her back. I DONT know how to not have contact with him.

I was thinking that d11 needs to have her bag like totally packed so when he gets here we have already given our love good-bye hug. Then on Sunday a quick open door and then back to what I was doing. Maybe a phone call that I will have to be on at hte point he brings her or something. Dont know.

All I do know is for at least 30 days I need to NOT have contact (eye) with him. I need to NOT have conversation with him. NONE. He gets under my skin and it peirces my heart. (he says little subtle things.) Enough to let me know that he is done and enough to know that he is confused.... I believe it is called hmmmm I dont know.

[TRUSTING]

Cagz,

Thanks for the compliment on my sitch.

My ex sounded like your spouse in regards to "I want to be neighbors and friends" blah blah....

I am dark now, but last time I had a conversation with my ex after he spewed uncontrollably, I said, "I thought you wanted to be friends". He said, "no I don't want to be your friend".

THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY WANT.

IF YOU WANT IT, THEY DON'T. IF YOU DON'T WANT IT, THEY DO.

Thus one of the reasons I am dark. I couldn't take it anymore.

I have three kids. I avoid contact if I can. I don't ask him for anything or any help. If I have to see him due to the kids, I am all business, no small talk.

He is now very curious. He sent the kids over tonight to check up on me.

Hugs
Trusting

[cagzmom]

Trusting - thank you for stopping by. That is what I need. DARK. As with you - if I need "help" I will not go to him. I am thankful I only have 1 child - I don't know how you do it with 3.

As with you Trusting. I need to be DARK for ME. My H hasn't gone "evil" on me in words...just in actions. You already know what he has done...no need to rehash.

Yep it is time for me to be away from him. Funny how it shifts after time. In the beginning, when I would get on this board I would read to find "clues" and answers onto how to save my marriage. I DO STILL WANT to save my marriage. I DO STILL read and learn from those who have "gone" before. BUT NOW.... I WANT TO SAVE ME!

[cagzmom]

oh...and by the way that is harder to do right now then try and save my marriage. Why? Because it is taking the focus off of him and onto me.

And we all know for a wonderfully co-dependent- married to a passive aggressive committed woman that is NEW and HARD.

[TRUSTING]

You can do this Cagz.

He will wonder, whats up?

It sounds like going dark will benefit you and him...

Be strong.

Show him you have changed and are o.k. without him.

Even though I miss my ex, going dark brings peace and clarity.

Love,
Trusting

[CMNM]

Cagz,

How are you doing today? I know the weekends suck, but the more you find yourself the more you will see what great company you really are! Last night I was all alone, and I found myself hoping that my H (oops, XH) wouldn't stop by or IM me! How weird is that?

I don't know how to talk to you about my sitch, as it sounds as if I am still working to get my H (oops, XH !) back when I read my words back.

I'm not. It took me these couple of years to realize that I deserve better. It is still hard for me to write those words since I know that I wasn't the greatest wife in the world, and I don't want to come across as if I were perfect and he was the problem. But, Cagz, I can't keep owning all of this, and I can't keep making excuses as to why I don't deserve more.

The odd thing is that now he wants to give me the things that I wanted in the first place. He needed to know that I loved him enough to let him go, that if his happiness meant being without me that I could give him my blessing to pursue it. I used to have the hardest time with that! I didn't want him to be happy! I wanted him to be miserable without me!!!

I have come to learn that is the easy way out. I didn't want to have to do all of the hard work on myself, I just wanted to wait him out...hoping for the big moment when he would realize that I was the greatest thing, ever.

Well, Cagz, I wasn't. I'm still not, but I have a healthy respect for who I am for the first time. It is getting easier and easier for me to see that I want more, and I deserve more. The past is the past, and I have to quit revisiting that.

Being in this place makes me patient. I am not jumping all over my H's (damn it! XH's) words now. This is making it easier for him to say them! Who knew?

My biggest fear is that he will now want back and I won't want him! That is a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around after fighting so hard to save this.

I am in a good place. I want to want him, not need him. That is a huge difference. And quite frankly, I don't want that old guy back. I will patiently wait and see if he has it inside of him to do the work now, too. If so, great. If not, well, I will be ok.

I hope this doesn't confuse you further. I am just trying to show you what is on the other side of letting go. And, if you aren't ready to go here, I understand. I wasn't, for the longest time. You are doing much better than I did, because I found that I would avoid people like me on this board! I have already told Betsey that this included her for a bit. I thought that I was missing some big secret that the "success" stories had.

Cagz, this is my shot at a happy relationship. I have learned so much about myself in these past years. I see now that maybe I could have tried to fit myself back into my old marriage (basically by sucking it all up and doing everything he wanted me to do), but I would have lost my spirit. I would have had to fake it for the rest of my life. Ugh. To think that I really considered that! I just wanted the marriage back. I didn't care what my role within it was.

This new me is sooooo attractive to my XH. How crazy is that?

Guess what? If he wants me, he'll have to work for it! He has years of non-valentines or "I love you's" to make up for. I used to convince myself that I didn't really need those things; I just needed my H here with me. NOT TRUE! I do want the romance and the simple gestures. Whats more, I deserve it!

As do you. You deserve to have all that you want in this life. Lets keep working on whatever is blocking you from believing that.

Happy Saturday!

Pam

[cagzmom]

Hi Pam - thank you for the Saturday greeting.

Your post reflects me in many ways - yet as you have said you are a bit further along in the journey then I. HOWEVER I do feel I am climbing behind you-- my mountain is as your Mt. Everest. AS is everyones....and it is pretty cool because as I look up and get afraid and exhausted, I have found other climbers either in front of me, beside me or yes even behind me....all trying to get to the peak so we can see the same vision...whatever it will be for each of us.

I will post more later. Very thankful that I live in the South today. It is BEAUTIFUL outside. D11 has softball - have to go get her cleats (uh didn't htink about htat cost last night as I did our girls night out!! DANG IT!) So have to do some creative financial quick planning.

more later....