Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[cagzmom]

You probably won't be surprised at the messages you will receive when you're really tuned into His plan instead of yours.

AH yes the co-dependents nightmare. The lies that my mind hears are that H was good for me, we were good together etc etc. AND I DO NOT know His plan. It is time for me to let go of my deepest hearts desire...and that truly is/was to be with H...My dreams, goals everything were wrapped soley in him and me. (notice where I placed H in that sentence....)

I have a question for you, and maybe you've answered it in previous threads... how are you going to be able to do the complete non-contact thing with a D11 in the picture? Does he not interact with her at all? How do you make decisions about her with him disappearing for 3 weeks? (I hope this doesn't come across as a judgment--it's not meant to be that, but a question of your parenting arrangements.)

H- lets see. He is a disney dad. He shows up ON TIME every other weekend. He drops off with GRANDIOUS promises of lunch dates with d11 etc. Truth? HE SHOWS up every other weekend. That is where the problem with the NO contact comes in.

This past week d11 was sick. IF my heart were at a better place I would have called H - and yes I think he would have helped. BUT FOR NOW -- I truly have to act is if he is dead. It sounds very harsh and I hope it is understood. BUT I HAVE to live as though he is no more. Even last night....if my HEART could handle it, I would have called him up and said "hey I have an appointment can d11 come over.." He of course would say yes.

Here is the deal with my h. When he gave me "the speech" it ended with "I wish we could be neighbors and live by each other and be freinds forever. I don't want to loose my best friend." He is the "PASSIVE" of passive aggressive. HE NEVER wanted to come off like tha bad guy - never. AND THAT is why this has been so very very hard for me. He plays the very kind, gentle soft spoken person - and admits he is miserable..wants to die etc. BUT he WANTS what he wants more. See...yet another thing about my H ---- for the 21 years that I have known him...he NEVER adn I mean NEVER did ANYTHING that he didn't want to do. NEVER!!! HE DOESNT want to be accountable, fix himself...he wants to wallow..and hide ride this out on his own. BUT YOU WOULD NEVER SEE it...he is the master manipulator (his own words) King of liars (again his own words). And yes - this is the man I love --HOW FREAKIN SICK IS THAT!!!

C, I love the idea of creating a new dream. My only suggestion is to be patient and flexible as you heal. Dreams usually take on a flair for the wonderful when you're in a better place emotionally. But start thinking about who you want to be and where you want to be and just maybe you'll realize things about yourself that you had ignored or not even realized.

You know how you caught on that I was the "praying type..." well in wanting a new dream...I prayed that God would create a new dream in me....my dreams ALL include H. AND that is NOT healthy. (and yes right now I am just saying the words....but my head knows it, just not my heart.)