NikB #25

[NikB]

Hey all - thanks!!

Extremely busy week but had an awesome "win" at work yesterday so I am very excited about that! Tonight I'm torn between taking myself out to a nice dinner and movie (my H is up skiing - with MALE friends), or catching up around the house (and here a bit of course). I realize the movie sounds funner but I am sooo far behind on chores, think it might be nice to buckle down and wipe out some of the yuckier "to do list" tasks and get the weekend off to a fresh start. I got invited to a party tomorrow night and have a meetup on Sunday so I'm excited for those and do have other fun plans to look forward to.

I haven't posted a lot about it but it's strange to me how the anxiety and the feelings of insecurity, lack of trust, and anxiety/dread (I think SDFoundGirl or maybe Jen_Jam described it as "scanning the skies for bombs") hit me sometimes. They effect me less now but boy would I love for them to go away. It's almost as if I fear things when they're good in the M because I thought things were fine before and I wonder if it's all some big lead-up to another bomb. I intentionally DON'T post about it usually because I don't want to dwell on it. It catches me off guard sometimes though.

I don't think it's rational at the moment given how positive everything has been R-wise, and I know those feelings probably fade over time. Keeping detached enough definitely helps - takes it from a level of practically terror to a much less extreme feeling - no it wouldn't be fun if we sep/D in the future, but I'll be fine. And, with all the positives going on (which I'll try to post more about this weekend), I'm truly beginning to feel like we're building an actual partnership together. Things are BETTER than "fine" so like I said, I think the anxiety's normal but not really rational right now. We have a helluva long way to go and I know that, but I just feel like we're working together on it now. I'm even getting close to asking about going back to MC - and have lost the fear of "what if it pushes him away?"

I think I am starting to understand what OT meant about detachment being important in a healthy happy M. Whatever "this" is it's a very different feeling than I've had before, that's for sure. And fortunately I feel the good way most of the time - those "ick" feelings are definitely fleeting.

H - hey who says the Bahamas are out???

ST - thanks! I know, I swear my work is reading my mind.