Hanging on to what I believe in!

[ba065]

Hey all:

I haven't posted to my thread for awhile. Not much has changed. H is still sleeping in the guest room. We have been spending more time together and he has been pleasant but I think it's more because I completely avoid any confrontation. I'm acting as if everything is fine and that I am content. This is so far from the truth, it hurts, but it has seemed to have made life more tolerable in our home.

H is still seeing MOW and the phone calls still go back and forth between them like crazy. I've tried to ignore this and don't bring up the lunch charges to our bank account.

In one sense, I feel like H is really trying to reconnect with me, but on the other hand, I feel like this is rather impossible as long as the MOW is in the picture. I know he still lies to me and it's hard to believe anything he says, which makes my
"acting as if" very trying.

H has been buying me alot of nice things lately....which has me suspicious as well. He never was a big shopper or gift giver...but I think maybe guilt is playing into this a bit. Funny thing is, we don't have alot of extra spending money right now...so he's spending his tuition money for school...don't know how that will all go over when tuition is due and we possibly come up short?!

A part of me feels like H and MOW are making plans for the future. This may all be in my head of course, but my intuition is telling me otherwise. I've been told that she will not leave her H, but I don't understand why she would continue the R with my H if it's never going to go anywhere for either one of them. I've been trying really hard not to dwell on them...and enjoy the good times H and I are having together, but I do still cry myself to sleep alot. I also find my self yelling and cursing him aloud when I'm home alone...which isn't as often as it used to be...but is still alot more than it should be.

H talks about the future....finishing school, finding a new job, traveling back home for his HS reunion this summer...what to get S for college graduation...and most of the time these things are talked about with "We" in them....so I don't know what to think. I'm not having any expectations so that helps when he lets me down in one way or another. I can just think...well, I'm not surprised...and it's not so crushing to me.

I'm praying alot and searching for answers to questions that I can't ask which all of you know is extremely frustrating. But I'm getting by, one day at a time. I'm out here reading all of your posts....sometimes I'll pipe in and other times not...but please know I am thinking of each and every one of you and you are all in my prayers.

Hugs!

BA