I hesitate to post this, but it's part of the story of my old friend 'J'.
She's been married for about 15 years. Has a son who is 14.
While she told me on the phone that life was pretty good, her sister told me a completely different story when I called her mom to talk.
When she married her husband she was overweight about 75 pounds or so. One would think that since he DID marry her that he loved her in the body she was in at the time.
Apparently he became abusive over the years, telling her that he didn't find her attractive - and get this - that he found her repulsive. I guess eventually she got a gastric bypass and lost a lot of weight. According to her sister that wasn't good enough - now the 'loose skin' is the problem and he doesn't have sex with her because she is not attractive to him.
Contrary to what J told me, he doesn't work much and isn't around much of the time.
J has the successful career, is a manager of a group of 10 mechanics in a metal manufacturing plant and is highly respected in her business. She started as a Journeyman and learned to weld, and fix machines just like any other man on the crew. She said that they give her a lot of respect because they all know that she has done their jobs before and is as good as any of them.
She reminded me that when we were dating it was me who told her that she could do anything she wanted to do, all she had to do was chase her dreams.
Her sister says she is the one who supports the family and H ignores her or treats her badly. Apparently she left him a few years ago but because her son was so upset when he was separated from his father she went back to him. I guess she also lives under the threat of being 'taken for everything' by her H. I'm not sure what the laws in NY are like but I can't see how he could get anything other than half the assets.
H doesn't go with her to visit her family, and didn't bother to go see her dad before he died. Her sister also said that his family doesn't really like J. I asked if he was having affairs since I can't imagine a man not 'needing' sex for years. She said that J didn't know or didn't try to find out, that he was just weird.
I had met him just before she got married while at a mutual friends wedding. He seemed quiet, and unimpressive.
It broke my heart to hear this stuff. She is such a good soul and she had the good heart to tell ME that she had faith in ME and knew I'd bounce back from whatever was going on in my life, even while not telling me about her crap.
While I know I can't 'fix this' I do know that if she does choose to ask me for help or support she'd get it from me, and from others.
What really made me sad was that here is a woman who will NOT leave her emotionally abusive husband because she loves her child and doesn't want him to grow up in a broken home. Yet I have a W who is not abused, but wasn't able or willing to deal with the issues in our life and she has no problem leaving, 3 times now, and for another man one of those times.
