Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Journaling,

Okay, now here's an example how an event that at appears at first to be negative could possibly turn out to have a positive effect. At this point I don't know the final effect, but it certainly has made my H think...

I had decided to give my H a key to the house after he stayed overnight before his trip on VDay. On Wed this week, I asked if he would mind going to the house to let the dog out for me as I had planned to go to the gym w/ my friend after work that day. Later that night I was supposed to drop by his place (on his suggestion). On my way home he calls me and tells me he's taking D skiing the next day and leaving w/ her that night to stay at a friends place. I was disappointed and was unable to keep that from coming out. But we talked a bit and in the end I was ok and thought he was ok.

Last night I had a book club meeting, which my H had asked me lots of Qs about, including where it was, who would be there, etc. He did not sound happy about the whole thing. I called partway through to say goodnite to D but got no answer so I left a vmail. About 2 hrs later H calls on his way back from skiing not sounding happy at all, speaking in curt sentences, sounding cold. I asked about the day, the drive, how D was, how he was. Then H started talking about how he was thinking about our sitch and if he were me, he could think of many reasons why he shouldn't stay w/ him. He said he made a list of pros & cons, didn't everyone do this. I then realized that when he had been at the house, he had snooped around & found my journal and read a list of pros & cons I had made about a month ago on my Mom's suggestion. I had listed things like his lying, his debts, the fact that he was unemployed in the "cons". The "pros" list had that I love him, he's a good father, he does nice things for me, he loves me, he makes me laugh, he's an amazing lover and some other things.

I tried not to let him draw me into a fight and tried not to defend myself. He said he was disgusted by it and didn't read anything else in the journal (I highly doubt that). I explained that my Mom suggested it and that it really meant nothing because in the end, those things were temporary and the thing that mattered the most is that I love him and still want to be w/ him. He said he can imagine the hoops he would have to jump through to get back in the house. I said the only hoop he has to jump through is to want to come home. He said he was going to sign the house over to me, he want's nothing to do w/ it, and that I should find someone else - that it shouldn't take long to find someone better than him. I said I'm not looking for anyone else. He said he didn't want to make me cry (I did, but I was still calm) & that I should go back to my book club meeting where I can tell everyone all about it and what a b@st@rd he was. I said that I wouldn't be doing that. We ended the call on a bad note, but there was nothing I could do about that.

I called later that night to say goodnight, but he didn't answer, so I left a msg saying that I could understand why he would be hurt and upset by what he read, and that I was sorry he had seen it (I never once got mad at him for snooping). I said that in the end those things don't matter to me, that I love him, I always have and always will and that I still want to make this work.

So I'm thinking, damn, I should have hidden my journal better - it was under my mattress, tucked way in, (along w/ my copy of DR), so he was definitely snooping for something. The pro/con list was the last item, less than one page long. But there was alot more in there about my R goals and how to achieve them, all of the small steps I would need to see from H to show me we were getting closer to meeting those goals, and other stuff about my thoughts and feelings. I suspect he must have read at least some of that - his curiosity would have made him at least flip through - so he has read about the positive things I'm thinking about too. But now he knows where my head is at w/out us having a R talk. It's pretty obvious by his snooping that he was trying to find that out.

I'm not going to overreact and try to figure out whether this has caused a backslide in our sitch. But he did call me today to ask if he could wash his car at the house and should he let the dog out - I said feel free, and I would appreciate that. I asked him how he was feeling & did he get my message. He said fine & yes. We ended the call saying have a good day to each other. I would have to guess that reading my journal has made him realize that I am thinking about my future and what is best for me, that I am willing and able to get on w/ my life if he does not come back. That I am more emotionally detached and looking at things somewhat logically instead of merely emotionally. Maybe this fiasco (a little too dramatic?) will turn out to be a good thing if it makes him realize that I will not be a doormat. I just don't want to worsten his depression, but then, what can I do about that - nothing. But by the things he was saying last night, it's pretty clear to me that he has a ways to go before he is out of the tunnel, out of his depression.

It appears that we are still going to D's school event tonight together, but I don't know if H still wants to spend time w/ me afterwards (he originally suggested we watch a movie at his place after D goes to bed). We'll see. I have some friends I can meet up w/, and I'm sure that will make him think if he tells me he doesn't want to spend time w/ me tonight.

This development is not something I would or could have planned, and I'm really curious as to how it will affect our progress, but I'm not getting my hopes up or down. I'm just going to "monitor" and figure out what is working or not working.

Thanks for reading,
FA