Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[cagzmom]

So much freakin' cryin' the last few weeks good grief!! And yesterday was no different. As I said before it has to be pms as well as the impedding new anniversary of h leaving. Funny - you think it is just a day no big deal. Or at least that is what I tell me. And yes I have always been very hard on me.

So, last night I had an appt. w/C. AND it was well needed. After many silent moments, tons of tissue (I really should have bought stock in that this year) and some hard core discussing with my C I finally did somethign I have NOT done yet.

I realized yesterday that I have lost my dreams. (i know no news to anyone else..but it was like oh I dont know)
I realized that what I had was what I had "Dreamed of" and along with H leaving, my son going off to college and loosing my home, being away from my family - all of it it is DEAD and gone. The dreams of s19 coming home and all of us hanging and laughing TOGETHER - dead. So many dreams DEAD. And I am ready to bury them.

The kicker came with C asked me if I was ready to pray and ask God for a new dream. I have a friend who called me an Indian Giver. She said ...that was what I would act like --- saying God take this from me - and then taking it back. Well, last night I decided that I DO want a new dream and new hope. Because right now I am dead inside and I am just exsisting. I do what I have to do.... BUT I did it - and it was hard..really hard to utter the words of letting go and moving on to a new dream.

I dont have ANY idea what that is going to look like. I have no idea. Little house on the Prarie girl doesn't know anything different. So, we will see.

I also wrote down all the reasons why H is not good for me..as it seems as though I conviently forget those things. It IS NOT a list of how BAD he is..it is truth.

My next plan? For at least 30 days I need to not have any contact with him. NOT any. I dont know how I can do this but I need it. In July I went about 3 weeks with no contact with him. I was starting to really heal (and I think I still am) But I had really turned a corner --- then he called.

I dont know how I can do this..but I need to.