Oh, and Bets...you're right, miracles do happen! So, don't wear granny panties that night, just in case.
LOL, I'm safe! Will don sexy underwear under my jeans and oversized Sakic jersey. And you never know. I have season tickets this year, signed up for the playoffs and I might stand a chance like any other middle aged mother of teen & preteen girls in Denver. Good thing my guest is my sitter. (D14 can't go now that she's now cleared to jump back on the volleyball court and too bad for her that she has practice before a honking junior olympic qualifying tournament next weekend.) In English, that would mean I don't have any stinking underage chaperone.
Pam, maybe you need to take IMP up on his drink offer. You realize that he actually resides in Damon territory, no? Course you would have to give up being an Indians fan for Matt, ya know. He's a die hard Sox fan...
Okay, I need to head out of here and home to take D14 to volleyball practice. She's pumped to play (it's been 6 weeks, but who's counting) and is anxious to whoop some serious a$$.
TTFN, and Cagzmom... sorry for hijacking your thread with talk of sex and alcohol. I'll be better tomorrow.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I hope you laugh like I did. I looooooove Matt Damon. That smile, ahhhhh. Betsey likes some hockey man, I like some Damon!
Laughed out loud.
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Now, back to my regularly scheduled sad day.
Mer, thanks for understanding in the way that you do. Betsey, you too. I like how you had my back up there, saying I may not be around today. Smooch. Love you both, and thanks for being the best cyberfriends a girl could ever ask for.
And you "Stepped out of yourself" and shared with me. THAT is the way I want to become. About others.
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Oh, and since I hate coded messages, I got D'd today. Now I think I will allow my mind to "go there" for a bit.
hmmm sad.... i know I read your next post..and am going there.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
This changes nothing. Nothing, do you hear me??? I am handling this today because of how far I have come. I just got done talking (IM) with my, uh, XH (wow, I never said that before), and there was a lot said.
It changes nothing. true.
You said you have been at this for what 2 1/2 years? WOW!
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The old me would have tried to wedge my foot in this door. The new me? I know that if it closes yet again that it wasn't meant to be open.
Right now I know many many things about me. I too would try and "wedge" but I have stopped...I stopped in September. I am learning to deal with my own choices... and that is what has been hard for me.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
So much freakin' cryin' the last few weeks good grief!! And yesterday was no different. As I said before it has to be pms as well as the impedding new anniversary of h leaving. Funny - you think it is just a day no big deal. Or at least that is what I tell me. And yes I have always been very hard on me.
So, last night I had an appt. w/C. AND it was well needed. After many silent moments, tons of tissue (I really should have bought stock in that this year) and some hard core discussing with my C I finally did somethign I have NOT done yet.
I realized yesterday that I have lost my dreams. (i know no news to anyone else..but it was like oh I dont know) I realized that what I had was what I had "Dreamed of" and along with H leaving, my son going off to college and loosing my home, being away from my family - all of it it is DEAD and gone. The dreams of s19 coming home and all of us hanging and laughing TOGETHER - dead. So many dreams DEAD. And I am ready to bury them.
The kicker came with C asked me if I was ready to pray and ask God for a new dream. I have a friend who called me an Indian Giver. She said ...that was what I would act like --- saying God take this from me - and then taking it back. Well, last night I decided that I DO want a new dream and new hope. Because right now I am dead inside and I am just exsisting. I do what I have to do.... BUT I did it - and it was hard..really hard to utter the words of letting go and moving on to a new dream.
I dont have ANY idea what that is going to look like. I have no idea. Little house on the Prarie girl doesn't know anything different. So, we will see.
I also wrote down all the reasons why H is not good for me..as it seems as though I conviently forget those things. It IS NOT a list of how BAD he is..it is truth.
My next plan? For at least 30 days I need to not have any contact with him. NOT any. I dont know how I can do this but I need it. In July I went about 3 weeks with no contact with him. I was starting to really heal (and I think I still am) But I had really turned a corner --- then he called.
I dont know how I can do this..but I need to.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Well, last night I decided that I DO want a new dream and new hope.
Cagzmom! I am sooooo happy to read this! We will help you get there (Mer, Bets, IMP, don't mind me..I'm just speaking for all of you good folks!) Like Betsey said, just take this one small bite at a time.
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I also wrote down all the reasons why H is not good for me..as it seems as though I conviently forget those things. It IS NOT a list of how BAD he is..it is truth.
This is good, too. It sounds as if you were being rational and not writing this out of anger. You need to be able to truly see him and your R without the rose colored glasses. Good for you for being able to wrap your mind around this.
You're right, you CAN do the noncontact thing for the next month. We will take this in small steps too. Let's just start with the weekend. Got any good plans?
You know what my first thought this morning was? I am being totally honest here: "I'm still alive. Yesterday came and went and I am still here...I didn't die. I need to tell this to Cagzmom!"
Yep. Yesterday sucked. Today is a new day. I plan to make the most of it.
Hi ladies and IMP (couldn't lump him in with the former),
Really doing the work in C at this stage is really difficult, isn't it? Sounds like your C is a good influence on your thinking and I hope you're able to continue with him/her for as long as you feel you need it. I'm a believer in the power of help, especially when we're ready to do something different.
Oh boy, I can relate to the difficulty you have in burying a dream and creating new ones. Cagz, this is a valuable lesson to learn anyway--life is FULL of events beyond your control that require you do be willing to do this. I had to do this when we got a diagnosis on my D11 at the age of 3. It was devastating, more than I could ever share, but by the time that XH and I separated, it wasn't as difficult a chore to do as it was the first time I was forced to do it. Sounds like you're a praying woman... keep at it. You probably won't be surprised at the messages you will receive when you're really tuned into His plan instead of yours.
I have a question for you, and maybe you've answered it in previous threads... how are you going to be able to do the complete non-contact thing with a D11 in the picture? Does he not interact with her at all? How do you make decisions about her with him disappearing for 3 weeks? (I hope this doesn't come across as a judgment--it's not meant to be that, but a question of your parenting arrangements.)
C, I love the idea of creating a new dream. My only suggestion is to be patient and flexible as you heal. Dreams usually take on a flair for the wonderful when you're in a better place emotionally. But start thinking about who you want to be and where you want to be and just maybe you'll realize things about yourself that you had ignored or not even realized.
Pam, I'm glad to read that you're in a better place today. I remember feeling oddly light the day after the D. It was surreal and I still remember thinking the same things as you did. (I'm alive and look at me now!) I still find it hard to believe that it will be 3 years for me in May. Dippy Do and I are in a much better place now than we were back then. Life is sure stranger than fiction.
Hope you all have a terrific weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Good thing my guest is my sitter. (D14 can't go now that she's now cleared to jump back on the volleyball court and too bad for her that she has practice before a honking junior olympic qualifying tournament next weekend.) In English, that would mean I don't have any stinking underage chaperone. 
Betsey
