Wow, everyone likes to jump on a comment about an old friend that they interpret as Frank chasing 'lost love'. Still don't know me very well after all this time on the board?
Or is it so knee jerk that we have to be alarmed when we see someone post anything about their past?
I won't say I'm insulted but I will say that the responses were alarmist and based on such a minimal amount of information I posted. I know people care so I'm not angry.
Just because I don't have time to write my 'long post' Let me say this: The old friend and I dated for 5 years. for the last year I was unhappy because we had some basic incompatibilities that were never going to change. Eventually we ended the relationship but we stayed friends for many years even after I moved from NY to CA.
We lost touch for the past 15 years, she's married and the same things that made us incompatible in the long term are still present. However, the supportive, strong and tenacious personality she has is still there and in our hour long talk she was more supportive of me and my long term issues than my W has EVER been.
Her mom was like an adoptive mom to me and when I called her (first) she was so happy to talk to me she cried. She reminded me of the talks we used to have and said she thought of me often.
And what happened to her mom (S) the past 15 years? Well her stepdad had a late MLC and found a younger woman. He divorced (S) and married the affair woman. Not sure how many years it lasted but he eventually divorced her too. He then tried to get (S) to marry him again but she decided she didn't want to do that and instead they became friends.
On January 30th he died of cancer. He was under hospice care and his primary caregiver was - (S). When I talked to her she told me that he would call her all the time because he would have problems breathing and she'd drive the 5 miles to his house and stay with him all night.
THAT is love.
Even after he married the OW, he never split their properties and (S) basically owns everything now. She's in her 60's and has continued to work all these years and hopes to retire some day.
There's more, but the point it I MISSED that connection to a FAMILY and to people who just WILL NOT GIVE UP on their marriages or their family. I thought about the last time I really felt 'content' in my life and that was pretty much it. It wasn't because of the relationship with 'J', it was the relationship with her FAMILY.
I have a no relationship with W's fake, BS, dad and his wife. W has none either. I have no relationship with her mom and her husband. In other words we as a couple have no support whatsoever.
While I felt loved by W most of the time, when we had problems with life I felt unsafe in our relationship. And I have ALWAYS blamed myself.
As far as support', W has her 'best friend' who is 40, single, never been in a relationship, and sees Frank as merely a "F'cked up alcoholic who she has loved and suffered with for way too long". Or her other 'spiritual friends' who see Frank as a 'lost soul who needs to find his own path without W'.
Give me a break.
My counselor tells me I was suffering from a severe anxiety disorder brought on by the pressures we were under and the lack of MEANINGFUL support from W. Like so many people do, I was turning to alcohol to feel 'better' at night.
I'll believe her when she says "Frank, you needed HELP and didn't get it. Waiting for you to 'bottom out' was the worst thing to do because for an alcoholic that would be an emotional awakening, for someone in your severe condition that could have led to suicide".
And believe me, I thought about it daily for the last 3-4 months before the 'bomb'. And after the 'bomb' I was close to ending it except that I reached out to friends from the board and they made me feel like I had hope for MY life.
That's what love is, DOING something, LISTENING to the person you love and UNDERSTANDING what is going on with them. Not sitting around, waiting for them to 'get it together'. Not thinking about how unhappy YOU are and wishing it would magically 'get better'.
In other words, it's not about YOU. It's about someone else coming first. I practiced that every time my W has bailed. I put her first, I attracted her back. I suffered a lot of pain for it and the last time I lost myself. That's love.
Talking with (J) and (S) reminded me of what I've been missing. Can I get it back with them from 3,000 miles away? No. But I can understand that I NEED it to be part of any relationship.
And remember, my W said she wants to be in a relationship where she 'loves deeply and is loved back'. And I'm someone who "isn't going to change and allow myself to be loved that way". Well, I didn't 'allow' (J) and (S) to love me. They CHOSE to and there was nothing I could do to STOP them from 'cracking through my shell'.
They have no fear of loving fully. They never held anything back.
I remember all those feelings. Whether I'm with my W or not I will eventually find that kind of love again. Right now it looks like it will be without W because I just am not willing to put any effort into 'fixing' it with her. These words keep echoing in my mind:
"When is someone going to be afraid they might lose FRANK?"
I don't deserve this treatment I'm getting. My W is not an abused W. And I AM a good man.
