Its PMS that is causing me to be down. When I lost so much weight when H left the mood swings lessened. Now it is going back on again they are returning. I don't eat to excess or particularly badly but the mood swings were always a problem in the M especially if we were experiencing difficulties for other reasons at the same time.
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Talk to your kids about how tired you are they need honesty from you and make up a rota
If I got paid for doing this I would be a VERY rich person by now Just this morning I got up early b/c I knew we had run out of bread so didn't have anything for the kids lunches. At 7.30 after I got out the shower I asked D12 and S15 to get up and told them I needed help this morning. By the time either of them got out of bed at 8.15 I had dressed myself, dried my hair, made and eaten my breakfast, done some washing up, cleared the work surfaces, fed D12s guinea pig and been to the shop to get the bread.
By the time they finally came down I was crying. S15 did ask what was wrong and when I told him that I was tired and very lonely he asked if I wanted a hug. I accepted that and then said what I really need more than anything else is help around the house. I can't continue on doing everything myself. D12 heard me.
I left for work before they left for school this morning. I was home earlier than I expected b/c my last meeting of the afternoon was cancelled. When I walked in the house there was no evidence of all the work I had done in the kitchen this morning. They had done the same as they always do: make a mess and leave it for mum to tidy up later!
In the past I have left the washing up until every pot we own has been used (we have a dishwasher by the way!) to make a point but it made not one bit of difference.
I'm not a tidy person by any stretch of the imagination and I know it is partly my fault by leading by a bad example. However I'm not a slob either and it is certainly environmentally safe to walk into my house! So it's just the usual thing of my kids not having enough respect.
They are tired of hearing me repeat myself over this so what's the point?
As for seeing a C I've done that and don't actually feel I can warrant the money again. No amount of counselling can take away the fact that when you close the door and climb into bed at night there is a massive big void.
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Leave H out of the equasion. He is gone for now maybe for ever
I know this just b/c i sent one email doesn't mean I have forgotten.
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Being a single mum is hard but we have to remember we are not alone in this.
In our own homes yes we are.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm don't seem to have been much help but after 30 years of marriage with rarely a cross word and never a hint of a separation I DO know this so well "No amount of counselling can take away the fact that when you close the door and climb into bed at night there is a massive big void." I have been at this for 8 years now and there are still days and nights I hurt. I truly am alone,no kids at home,just me and I lost my home at the time of D so I now live in an area where I know very few people and they are only aquaintances. I continually have to remind myself of the good things in my life. I never had my h leave to come back again so no chance to prepare for a life alone. I am v close to retirement and have little hope of meeting anyone,so I do know as do so many of us here how closing that door feels each night,but like the many many of us on this bb I still have choices as to how I deal with it. I hope you feel better tomorrow.
"They are tired of hearing me repeat myself over this so what's the point?" The point is your choice all kids push the boundaries, regardless of how many parents they have. You stop making your demands known and settle for being a resentful overworked mum or you keep on requesting help and setting boundaries and get the help and respect you deserve. And you turn out respectful caring adults in the process.
ACJ)))))))))))) do what I do, hog the bed and sleep in the middle :P
I'm thinking of getting a new bedroom set with a queen bed instead of a king, maybe at the end of the year.
I hate nights, I stay up til my eyes are closing & that way I go to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now, you know what I call them? the hit rock bottom times when a woman (women are like waves) goes all the way to the bottom, for emotional cleansing and has the need to let it all out and cry. Yes, it was nice to share with the Hs when there were human and were around. But now I have warmed up my R's with old girlfriends, invite people over for dinner even if my home looks bad, dont' give a hoot anymore. I want to live with no regrets and like that silly chain email "dance like no one is watching".
I'm sure a few days from now I'll just want to sob, and after I do I'll feel much better. Do you go to church? what do you do for GAL? I have the little ones and not much $$, but I make sure I dont' stay home during the weekends, either go to my family or just to window shop at the mall and get some sweets with the kids.
My sweet ACJ, dont' know if you are a believer, but I believe I'm never alone, I pray for the peace only God can bring, among all the mess this world brings us, we are never alone.
Don't know if you can get this book, but is wonderful "the wounded woman" it is a beautiful book meant for women who feel just like you do now, Mega hugs)))))) will add you to my prayers hon.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Don't know if you can get this book, but is wonderful "the wounded woman"
No I haven't read this book Cat but thanks for the recommendation.
I am feeling much better today. I did end up having a 'humongous' cry last night. It was precipitated in the end by a couple of events.
PLEASE NOTE HERE I AM NOT BEING JUDGMENTAL JUST STATING WHAT HAPPENED. This journalling is more for me to make sense of things than to get answers from others.
S15 came home late from school. I knew he was playing basketball b/c he told me in the morning before he left for school. So I natuarally asked if he had had a good time. He hadn't told me it was a tournament so I had assumed it was just practice. Anyway when I realised he had been playing a tournament I asked a few more questions and it turns out his team are in the finals in a few weeks time. I just said to him 'if you let me know the details when you have them I will come along to watch next time and cheer you on'. The look on his face when I said this will stay with me forever.
His facial expression clearly said 'how the hell am I going to get out of having her there, I don't want her there'. I couldn't ignore that so I asked him why he didn't want me there. He said he hadn't said that and I just said you didn't have to your face said it all. He was clearly embarrased so I asked him if anyone had been to watch him today and he just replied his GF. I purposefully did not reply straight away and then he said H had been there too. I had known by the original look on his face that this is what was behind it and I just said all you had to say S15 was that to have me there would be awkward b/c you have asked your dad to be there. Yes it would've hurt but finding out the way I just have hurt more.
I tried explaining to him that whilst I still stick my convo with him a few weeks ago that he can see H whenever he wants he does still need to be honest about it. Thinking he still had to wriggle out of things he said he had not told lies. I agreed with this but also pointed out that he hadn't exactly been truthful either.
Anyway this dragged on a bit and S15 saw it as me trying to control him which wasn't the case. I just wanted him to see how important it was for me to know his whereabouts and who he is with so that I can assure myself (and others if I need to) that he is safe.
To prevent it escalating out of control I took myself out of the convo and went to tidy the kitchen. As I was putting rubbish out into the dustbin outside one of my neighbours walked past and I said hello. This woman has a very sick husband and her adult son died just weeks before Christmas, he was an alcoholic. I'm not one to shy away from asking people how they are doing in times of sadness b/c I have had that done to me and it was far worse than being asked questions in the first place. So I asked her how she was. She said it was 3 months since her son died and I made the comment that time flies by very fast. Her reply was that some days feel like an eternity whilst others flew by. I said I knew that feeling well. She knows my situation and we both teared up. As it was cold and she had handfuls of shopping bags we then said goodbye but I told her again that if she wants to talk she knows where I am.
That just set me off sobbing. I was still sobbing when we sat down for tea and D17 did ask what was wrong. I tried so very hard to explain to them all again how I feel. S15 saw it as me getting at him over what had just happened but I was honest and said that is partly it but what set me off crying was seeing P (our neighbour) and explained that convo to them. They all had things they wanted to do. They didn't want to listen to me and kept interrupting. Suddenly I said 'Why will no-one let me speak, why must I always have to hold in what I am feeling?' I know without thinking about it I alluded to the fact that H has never allowed me to express my feelings about D and before I could finish this sentence D12 said 'Whatever it is you want to say mum hurry up I want to go do something!' That said it all. I got up and walked away. I sat in my bedroom and sobbed until i could sob no more. Then I washed my face, slapped a load of makeup over my very red nose and puffy eyes and got ready to go out. I already had plans to go bowling with the activity club I belong to. Earlier in the day I wasn't going to go but I had already cancelled plans for Saturday b/c I had forgotten that I had told D12 she could have a sleepover so after all this debacle I wasn't giving up another chance to GAL.
End of rant
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
oh sweety)))))))))))))))) teens are so self-involved, almost borders in alienation towards the parents. My kids are small & still think I'm "it", lol, I know I'm on borrowed time so I'll enjoy them now before they roll their eyes and want their privacy and push me away in an efford to find independence, I know that time will come. Your s15 is becoming a man, and men are very good at internalizing and not let you in and not really see how you feel. I was reading a bit of "mars-venus for parents" and it is true, the stuff you learn about how to treat your H in the mars-venus series also apply to your kids. This morn for example I decided " I will not hammer s10 about the stuff he has to do, I will ask nicely and in a nice voice" The way he is shaping now will determine what kind of H he will be to someone some day.
The kids have prob no earthly idea how much it affects you to be without H, so don't count on them to listen to you anymore hon. I'm in good spirits but I know I will be seeing a C at some point, do you see someone now and then? it might do you good.
Tons of hugs your way))))))))))) I'm listening and I do care how you are doing toots
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
S15 told me this morning that he is spending time with H today instead of tomorrow. I said ok and asked if H was coming to pick him up. At first he said no that he was walking to Hs house. Later he said H was coming to pick him up.
I had just got out the shower at this point (always slob about on a saturday until mid morning) so I quickly got dressed and did my hair. I had it cut yesterday so it looks great. Of course I put something on different to what I would've worn if I was just going to be slobbing round the house Added a squirt or two of perfume (I never wore it before and H was always trying to persuade me) and a little bit of make up. I'm wearing a jumper that a man at the bowling on Thursday night told me I looked nice in.
As usual it was me who opened the door. We did our obilgatory salutations of how are you etc. For a change S15 was ready so I thought they would leave immediately. I was wrong. H encouraged S15 to change his coat as they are going to a park to try out some stilts with springs on! Yes you read that right. H has borrowed them from someone. Now tell me he is not MLC H then asked if he could use our toilet. That was a real surprise he has not gone further than the hall of our house for the best part of 12 months. I expect he must have been desparate
S15 and I had both expected OW to be with him but we both knew she wasn't by the fact that he didnt go scurrying back to the car the minute I opened the door. When I asked S15 what time he would be home H volunteered the info that they wouldn't be going back to his as OW is studying and wants peace and quiet. I nearly replied that makes two of us then but I resisted.
In my dreams I'd like to think that when he drops S15 back home again that he will come in for a drink of tea/coffee but I know that isn't going to happen so I'll keep it where it belongs for now: in fantasy land
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
I have received 3 lovely cards. D12 made hers herself and has a photograph of all 3 children on the front. She got carried away on the inside and put 'Happy birthday' instead but she has cleverly disguised it by putting an insert into the card. The other two bought theirs but clearly looked at the words very carefully before they purchased them. I also got two gifts. A little teddy from D17 and a bunch of flowers from S15. None of them are here right now but that is ok b/c they are all coming home to cook the evening meal together for me.
S15 has gone out with H again. I had planned on saying 'thank you H for giving me such beautiful children' but in the brief time that he was here the moment didn't feel right so I didn't. I thought he might miscontrue it as me rubbing it in his face that I see them everyday and he doesn't. I didn't want that. If I had said it it would have been b/c I am genuinely grateful to him for being the father of my kids.
I've TMd my own mum today. She is on holiday in Portugal with her friend. We celebrated Mother's day with her last weekend when she was here.
The children bought MIL a card and each signed it. D17 took it round last night. MIL wasn't in so she just popped it through the letterbox. I'm really surprised at her b/c she hasn't even rung to say thank you. I decided not to send her a card this year. She no longer treats me like a D so it didn't feel right. I will always encourage my children to treat her with respect though.
I'm really torn with all these sightings of H. In a way it is easier when I don't see him. I raise my expectations of him too high when I do see him and usually end up getting hurt. I'm trying to think positive that he will eventually come back so that I project that when I do see him BUT I also feel like I am fooling myself by doing that b/c his words and actions all say he is never coming home. AARRRRRRGGHHHH I just wish I could explain all this to him and know that he would listen.
Don't worry you don't need to send any 2x4s my way I'm not about t backslide again. I'm just 'voicing' my thoughts to stop them from spinning round and round in my head.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Just this morning I got up early b/c I knew we had run out of bread so didn't have anything for the kids lunches. At 7.30 after I got out the shower I asked D12 and S15 to get up and told them I needed help this morning. By the time either of them got out of bed at 8.15 I had dressed myself, dried my hair, made and eaten my breakfast, done some washing up, cleared the work surfaces, fed D12s guinea pig and been to the shop to get the bread. 
Added a squirt or two of perfume (I never wore it before and H was always trying to persuade me) and a little bit of make up. I'm wearing a jumper that a man at the bowling on Thursday night told me I looked nice in.
