Help Me Act AS IF, Part 3

[newnamenewlife]

Ugh, had a bad night last night. I went upstairs to bed and started crying, trying not to let H hear (he was downstairs). He came up to go to bed and I was trying to keep my sniffles from him, but he heard. He put his hand on my back and said he's sorry he's doing this to me. That was the extent of our exchange.

Here is the person who has said and written the most beautiful, loving things to me for almost 20 years. How can he have become the person who has now said the most hurtful things I have ever heard from anyone, ever? I can't stop replaying what he's told me over these few months--that he's been living a lie, that he only feels "warmly" toward me, that he sees no future with me, that he's been unhappy and dissatisfied for years, that he's felt unloved and belittled by me.

I just don't know how I can truly reconcile the past-- our mostly wonderful fun, loving, laughter-filled past, with who he is now. I fear that I will never understand how this could happen. I keep going over everything in my head, obsessively, hoping I will come to understand why and how this happened--how my H could just walk away from me (emotionally) without seeming to look back.

Sorry, I know I post the same thing again and again. In the midst of these lows, I am still GAL-ing and mostly I really do present a pretty calm, detached front to H. What happens is that I start to yo-yo. I start feeling more detached and I get scared and then I realize that my H is more detached than ever and seems NOT to yo-yo back to me at all.

I hate this. My eyes are puffy and I look like hell.