My husband and I have been together for 7 years and the last two years have been lacking a connection that we always had. About 5 months ago I withdrew and asked for space as I didn't feel I was in love with him any longer. After some soul searching and reading and looking at myself I realized we hadnt worked on our marriage and really wanted to try. At that same time that I mentioned to my husband that I wanted to work on our marriage my husband decided he then needed space and wasnt sure. He has since started seeing someone else and I confronted him 2 weeks ago as he was lying about it and saying he needed space and time to figure out what he wanted. We live under the same roof as we can't financially support a living arrangement otherwise until our house sells. I really want to work on my marriage and feel so upset that we haven't tried anything and we have a 4 year old child together. Help me.
Any thoughts.
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
Buy Divorce Remedy and read it about 6 times! Especially the chapter on infidelity.
Do NOT bring up OW and what is going on. He is dealing with a lot of emotions right now - the new romance, the lust, and deep down a lot of guilt. He does not need his nose rubbed in it. I made that mistake, it pushed him out the door 100 times faster.
Your first goal is to calm things down at home for your child and your sanity. I'm not saying act as if nothing has changed, but you do need to take care of yourself and your child. Take time for yourself, whether it's to work out, read, take a bath, or watch a movie. Distance yourself from his insanity. DO NOT ask questions about the affair right now. You probably can't emotionally handle the answers, and it's only going to make him more certain he wants to leave. NO SNOOPING. It's a mistake, learn from my mistakes and don't learn it the hard way please.
What are three things you'd like to do for yourself? Get your hair done? Lose weight? Get in better shape? Spend more time with your child? Focus on that. He has to work through his own issues. He is afraid you will leave him again, so he has put up walls to protect himself. He probably started confiding those fears in this woman, and then felt closer to her than you, and then decided to give things a go with her. He will have to choose between her and his marriage eventually, but NOW is NOT the time to make him choose.
You hurt him. You walked away from him. He is scarred from that, he doesn't trust you, he doesn't see you as a friend or confidant. He doesn't see that there is hope of working things out.
You have to put the seed of doubt into his mind. You have to be the person he remembers falling in love with. You have to earn back his trust. You have to be his friend. All easier said than done, I know. But you are still living together, you have a lot more contact than I do with my H. You have a way better chance of turning things around. So, don't waste any time.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I also have found the boards here and the people here to be so supportive and knowledgeable also. I also try when I am feeling depressed or upset to post here instead of emailing my H with it or talking about the R with H. I am working on not pursuing my H which is always a challenge for me, which will push them away also. I have found just trying to keep busy as much as possible GAL is good as well. Please keep posting whenever you feel you need support or have a question! Karen43
Be the person he wants to be with... don't pursue, beg, cry, etc. You wanted to work on your M, you can still do that. You can reconnect with him even if he's unsure but you have to tread carefully. If you come on too strong, he may end up walking in the other direction. Don't force any R talks on him. If he wants to talk, let him.
You have 7 years together, and a daughter ... you just don't throw that away overnight. But you will need patience and steadfast, but not overbearing determination.
Karen is also right about posting here. Not sure what to do? Need to vent? You'll get lots of advice...
Glad you come to join us on the board. Great people here. Okay, for my two cents worth.....well usually I give more than that, but here goes.
I was reading earlier about how the OW has to be worth the sacrifice the H makes to leave his family. That puts a lot of pressure on the OW! In the meantime, while you have him under your roof, you have all the advantage of making memories that he will find very hard to forget.
If I were you (and this would be so hard for me) but I would pretend I knew nothing about the OW. As already advised, don't snoop for goodness sake! I would become the best W a man could have! I would look like I just stepped out of a magazine at all times (when he's around). I would go get a make-over....new hair color, new clothes, make-up, etc. Get somebody that knows about fashion and these other things.....don't do your own hair and things like that....lol. You want to look great b/c the man is very, very visual. That is what triggers his sexual appetite. Then, just turn into Suzie Homemaker (if you aren't already) with the cooking his favorite meals and keeping the house in order (especially his clothes). Don't act crazy with all this, just act causual as much as possible. And....always talk with a soft, gentle voice. Never raise your voice....men hate that.
Most of all, sweetie, have a great personality at all times. That means you will have to act up-beat even when you are angry at him or your heart is breaking. Don't explode on him......instead come to us and vent. Be sweet, but not sickening. Don't be a doormat and don't wait on him hand & foot, but be helpful wherever you can.
I can't remember if you said you were sharing bedrooms. But, it's okay even if you aren't b/c you can still get all bathed and perfumed and have a pretty nightgown on........and you know you'll have to go into the kitchen for something or wherever he is in the house. And, of course you don't act obvious.......you are involved in something else....right?
Stay busy with the D and act like you are having a really fun time with her when he is anywhere in the house. He may not act as though he is paying attention.....but he is. This will try your nerves so be careful that you don't take it out on the child. Be careful not to scold her or raise your voice to her, especially when H is around. And, even when he isn't around, and especially those times you think he may be with OW, this would be a good time to do something really special with your D.....cause she will be sure to tell Daddy, and that will probably get to him.
Other things to do when he may be out is to bake or do your housework, etc. so you won't be too involved with that when he's home. That way, you will be more "freed up" when he's home.
You have the advantage of be in competition with the OW b/c you can do all these things and she is going to be putting pressure on him while you are just being sweet and the perfect mother and W.
BTW, while you are looking so hot.....he may just decide he would like to share that bed with you. He may want to have sex with you. How would you feel about that? Michelle says that is another way to take advantage b/c for some couples sex has a healing affect in the MR. But, it is up to the individuals.
Don't give up sweetie. Get geared up! You got him the first time and you can get him again. So be charming, witty, fun, not too obvious, and most of all be a warm, sweet and gentle female.
Good luck and keep coming back b/c we care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Wow, I am honestly overwhelmed with the support that I get from here. This time in my life has been quite humbling to me as I never thought I would be in this situation. And I feel fortunate to have people like you offer advice unconditionly. Somehow and I don't know how...I have mustered up the strength most of the time to do the right things and be positive and cheerful...I did freak out the first week and had a small pity party for myself last week in front of him, but other than that I have been trying to be what I used to be and show him that I can change. I have not been the most approachable person in the past and have had the tendancy to be controling and actually feel that I made him feel worthless. Not good! When I realized that my emptiness was about me and not him...I was so mad at myself and even more mad now that I have to compete with some thing new...the OW. My H had always been good to me, but never really told me that I made him feel worthless so I didnt realize. I am doing everything I can now as I can't change the past and have truly learned alot about myself. It's these times of crisis that we grown and I needed to. I am just praying that my lessons learned are not to late and that I can have a second chance at keeping the person that I truly believe is my soul mate.
M 37 H 37 Married 2yrs (together 7yrs) Son 4yrs old and H has Daughter 11 yrs old H involved with OW since Jan 08 and still seeing OW Still under same roof, but H spending more time with OW as time goes on
It is not too late! It is great that you have this insight about yourself and can stop repeating the mistakes. One thing I would like to remind you of is not to point out to him the changes you are making in yourself. If he says anything about it, then just reply that you are trying, and then leave it at that. In the book DR by Michelle, she explains how to act "as if" everything is okay and you go on about your life. Easier said than done, but read her chapter.....I can't explain it as well.
My hardest thing in my M was to show my H admiration. In every book I have ever read about MR it says that is the number one thing that men crave is to be admired. I always feel so phoney when I say anything to him.....I guess b/c I never did, so it makes me feel uncomfortable. However, I don't seem to have a problem giving other people compliments, so I need to practice doing it for him until I feel that it is coming more naturally.
We do tend to take our H for granted after a few years of M and it gets so easy to start letting things go. I have told several others that my grandmother told me on her 60th wedding anniversary that you never reach a point that you don't get to stop working at having a good marriage. I thought, "Oh brother! 60 years and still having to work at it!" But, she was right. I have been M for 42 and a year ago for the first time in my life, I had an EA on line. I am ashamed, but it happened. I would have been the last person on earth that people who know me would suspect doing anything like that. But, when there is a breakdown in the M due to neglect or whatever....it can happen to anyone. Before you think of me as the enemy.....my OM was not married. He had been D for many years and no children. He fed my ego and made me feel young and pretty and sexy again. So, what I wasn't getting from my H, I got from the OM.....except physical contact, but I had not received any of that from my H for 12 years either. I think most people that have an A are seeking something that they lacked in their own M or else they are going through a MLC and that just makes anyone go crazy and do stupid things. There again, even at my age, I had sort of a mini MLC I think b/c of the signs I have read about. Thank goodness for the people here that came to my rescue and helped get me turned around.
You can do it sweetie! I doubt that OW is prettier than you or sexier than you or anything else. It is just something that she is giving your H to make him feel good about himself. She is probably admiring him! H's have left beautiful, sexy W's for some less attractive woman just b/c she made him feel more like a man (as they say).
So, just get yourself all dolled up and read books to make your self esteem rise and step up to the challenge!
Take care and keep coming back.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It is not too late! It is great that you have this insight about yourself and can stop repeating the mistakes. One thing I would like to remind you of is not to point out to him the changes you are making in yourself. If he says anything about it, then just reply that you are trying, and then leave it at that.
Always,
I agree and must add. Do not make these changes for HIM... Make them for yourself. If your only reason is for him then the changes will not stick. You will soon be back to your old ways. You will find it is soo rewarding to "find yourself again"
Take Care Dr Love.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I have not been the most approachable person in the past and have had the tendancy to be controling and actually feel that I made him feel worthless. Not good!
This jumped out at me always - I was like this. I think I actually drove my H into his A by my behaviour. I didn't know my H was having an A until he told me; he told me because I had been detached from my H and unhappy in the M and then I realised that it was me that was the problem and started working on the M/R. It was due to the changes that I had made that my H told me about the A and returned emotionally to me. His opening up to me was prompted by an email I sent to my H apologising for the way I had been. I guess what I am trying to say is that acknowledging that your behaviour had a large part to play in the M problems, is the first HUGE step to recovery I believe - make sure your H knows you are sorry for this - my H was so overwhelmed by my apology - it soothed a lot of hurt for him.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
