Beginning again like a newbie

[ACJ]

Don't know if you can get this book, but is wonderful "the wounded woman"

No I haven't read this book Cat but thanks for the recommendation.

I am feeling much better today. I did end up having a 'humongous' cry last night. It was precipitated in the end by a couple of events.

PLEASE NOTE HERE I AM NOT BEING JUDGMENTAL JUST STATING WHAT HAPPENED. This journalling is more for me to make sense of things than to get answers from others.

S15 came home late from school. I knew he was playing basketball b/c he told me in the morning before he left for school. So I natuarally asked if he had had a good time. He hadn't told me it was a tournament so I had assumed it was just practice. Anyway when I realised he had been playing a tournament I asked a few more questions and it turns out his team are in the finals in a few weeks time. I just said to him 'if you let me know the details when you have them I will come along to watch next time and cheer you on'. The look on his face when I said this will stay with me forever.

His facial expression clearly said 'how the hell am I going to get out of having her there, I don't want her there'. I couldn't ignore that so I asked him why he didn't want me there. He said he hadn't said that and I just said you didn't have to your face said it all. He was clearly embarrased so I asked him if anyone had been to watch him today and he just replied his GF. I purposefully did not reply straight away and then he said H had been there too. I had known by the original look on his face that this is what was behind it and I just said all you had to say S15 was that to have me there would be awkward b/c you have asked your dad to be there. Yes it would've hurt but finding out the way I just have hurt more.

I tried explaining to him that whilst I still stick my convo with him a few weeks ago that he can see H whenever he wants he does still need to be honest about it. Thinking he still had to wriggle out of things he said he had not told lies. I agreed with this but also pointed out that he hadn't exactly been truthful either.

Anyway this dragged on a bit and S15 saw it as me trying to control him which wasn't the case. I just wanted him to see how important it was for me to know his whereabouts and who he is with so that I can assure myself (and others if I need to) that he is safe.

To prevent it escalating out of control I took myself out of the convo and went to tidy the kitchen. As I was putting rubbish out into the dustbin outside one of my neighbours walked past and I said hello. This woman has a very sick husband and her adult son died just weeks before Christmas, he was an alcoholic. I'm not one to shy away from asking people how they are doing in times of sadness b/c I have had that done to me and it was far worse than being asked questions in the first place. So I asked her how she was. She said it was 3 months since her son died and I made the comment that time flies by very fast. Her reply was that some days feel like an eternity whilst others flew by. I said I knew that feeling well. She knows my situation and we both teared up. As it was cold and she had handfuls of shopping bags we then said goodbye but I told her again that if she wants to talk she knows where I am.

That just set me off sobbing. I was still sobbing when we sat down for tea and D17 did ask what was wrong. I tried so very hard to explain to them all again how I feel. S15 saw it as me getting at him over what had just happened but I was honest and said that is partly it but what set me off crying was seeing P (our neighbour) and explained that convo to them. They all had things they wanted to do. They didn't want to listen to me and kept interrupting. Suddenly I said 'Why will no-one let me speak, why must I always have to hold in what I am feeling?' I know without thinking about it I alluded to the fact that H has never allowed me to express my feelings about D and before I could finish this sentence D12 said 'Whatever it is you want to say mum hurry up I want to go do something!' That said it all. I got up and walked away. I sat in my bedroom and sobbed until i could sob no more. Then I washed my face, slapped a load of makeup over my very red nose and puffy eyes and got ready to go out. I already had plans to go bowling with the activity club I belong to. Earlier in the day I wasn't going to go but I had already cancelled plans for Saturday b/c I had forgotten that I had told D12 she could have a sleepover so after all this debacle I wasn't giving up another chance to GAL.

End of rant