Ok, some journaling....

After taking the boys to MIL's house yesterday, I came back to the house to change and grab a bottle of water before heading out to work. When I got here, I pulled the car halfway into the garage; therefore leaving the garage door open.

About 20 minutes later, I opened the door that leads out to the garage and BOO!!! H was right there in my face! Scared the living sh*t out of me! He got a big kick out of it; I nearly had a freakin' heart attack ! Geez!

He actually put his arms around me while laughing and saying he was sorry, but yes, it was funny, and I did laugh, too. Also felt the need to sock him in the chest and called him an a$$! Jokingly of course. ;\)

He was still laughing and apologized again. He said he just walked up and was about to knock but quickly decided to have a little fun when he heard my footsteps coming toward the door. Still a kid at heart at least!

Anyway, I asked what was up; I was on my way to work. H suddenly looked serious and said nothing, he just came from MIL's house. Then he asked if I got his e-mail. I said yes, and he said with disappointment, "Oh, well you didn't respond." I told him I was sorry, I didn't think to. H said it was ok, but I could tell it wasn't.

Anyhow, he started telling me about his brief visit with MIL. He said he went there to say hi to the kids but actually wanted to talk to MIL away from them for a moment, so they went outside while the boys remained inside. H said he told MIL that he's trying to make things right, and he didn't want her or anyone else to bring up or even say (the girl H was dating)'s name ever again. H said MIL blew up and shouted that he didn't know what he was talking about......and it all just went downhill from there. He got into a really bad argument with his mom.

Later, when I got done with work and went to pick up the kids from MIL, I could sense that she wanted to talk about it, and even before she could finish her sentence, I told her I knew about their argument. H had told me. So we discussed it, and I feel pretty confident that our convo did her some good.

Basically, I think a range of emotions got the better of MIL when H approached her. She gets frustrated with him, and vents to me, all the time because she tries to call him just to see how he's doing, but he rarely calls her back. Also, her mother (H's grandmother) is in the ICU for the second time in the last few months. She's been in extremely bad shape for a long time now. Been hospitalized for all sorts of infections (bladder, urinary, they even suspected meningitis - I'm unclear if she did in fact have it or not), pneumonia, dementia, and now her kidneys and liver are failing. She was readmitted almost a month ago. I think they have her back on a respirator now, too, and MIL said something about a possible tracheotomy having to be performed.

Well, understandably so, MIL's very worried and upset that her mother may not have much more time, so she's been wanting to talk to H and update him on the current sitch. She wants to talk him into going to see his grandmother. She's very upset that he hasn't called his grandfather or gone to visit his grandma in the hospital.

According to H, he has never had a loving R with his grandparents. When MIL D'ed H's dad, they moved out here to CA and had to live with his grandparents. H said all his grandmother would ever do was talk down to him. Nothing he ever did seemed to be good enough, and he was going to end up turning out just like his father. A no good deadbeat. Could you imagine?

H's grandmother was a seriously troubled alcoholic for many, many years. H has told me numerous times that while he cares and is sad for his mom, he cares nothing about his grandparents, especially his grandmother. That is why he doesn't call or go to see her.

Anyway, MIL seems to think she can talk him into going; she wants to make him see it her way and go. MIL cried out, "If he loves me, then why doesn't he go?!" I empathized with her, told her how I understood how much this hurts her, but I explained that no matter what she feels or thinks, if H doesn't want to go, he's just not going to go. She can't make him; she can't control him. I said, "Look at me. For years, I've been trying to get him to come back, even without pressuring him, but he wouldn't do it because he didn't want to. You can't make him do what you want him to do. He has to want to do it himself. You can't control anything or anyone other than yourself." I said I was really sorry, but it's the truth.

We talked about a few other things, and overall, I think she did understand what I was trying to tell her.

Fast forward to this morning, I responded to H's e-mail after all. I just said that I was sorry I didn't respond sooner, and plus he asked me before not to send personal e-mails to him at work. I thanked him for the compliments, wished him a nice day, and that was that. He didn't reply back.

One of my sisters called me today and said she just wanted to see how I was doing. She then said, "So I hear you're going to court on Tuesday." I said, "Yep. I see that you've been talking to your mother \:\/ ." She laughed and said yes. She said our mom called her and said something like she's worried about me and wondering if I'm going to go through with the D or not. I told her yes, H is not in the house, so I'll be in court on Tuesday unless something happens otherwise. We talked a little more, then she asked me if I'd like some support. Someone to go along with me. I said, "On your birthday?! Are you sure you want to do that?!" She said, "Hey, anything for my sister." \:\) I then said yes, I'd like that. Told her I might really need it. She said alright and that she would tell her H of her plans to spend Monday night as well as Tuesday with me. I thanked her, then we said we'd talk some more later.

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell