I've actually been a lot of introspection, I've been calling friends I haven't talked to in 20 years and trying to get in touch with the time in my life when I was actually pretty content.
I have some stories to tell about real love, support, and commitment that I've gotten out of some of these conversations. It's all been good for me because it's helped me to realize what has been missing from my life, and that I once had it and lost it.
As far as my W, well I've been detaching more every day. I just find that I really don't like her, and I don't like that she has bailed on me so many times when I needed her to 'have my back' the most.
I think she is feeling that now, the detaching. But she's not going to change anything she's doing. I almost don't care much if she does since it seems she has a fundamental character trait that is the opposite of mine - I put other peoples well being ahead of my own, even if it means sacrificing myself. I also would never stand by and watch a friend slowly fall down an emotional pit and just do nothing.
If my W is not my friend then who is? It's something to really think about.
I didn't sleep very soundly last night. What was weird is that I am pretty sure I woke up in the middle of the night and my W was facing towards me and had her hand on my arm holding it. It may have been a dream but I think it wasn't.
It doesn't mean anything, it was just weird.
I have a lot on my mind but I need to organize my thoughts more before I post anything. Like I said, I found out what real love is when I called a friend who once loved me many years ago. Talking about life and the past I realized that what I once had with her was real unconditional, supportive love and that I haven't had that since then. And I need it.
