You have begun to figure out you are dealing with someone you just don't understand. Here is some insight. She doesn't understand herself right now. She is living many conflicting emotions. She feels her load is lightened. She feels she has moved away from whatever things were making her unhappy. She feels guilty about leaving. She wants to find a reconnection to you. The list is long. What do you do?
You begin to understand everything in the DB book. You read the success stories here somewhere. You believe that your best option right now is to be her best friend. A friend would be honest with your W when you explain how you might love your job, but are beginning to hate that it interferes with your private life. A friend would give her space when she wants it, and time to find her inner answers.
What would a friend say about her accusations? Would a friend take the defense or explain how unaware you were that your actions have created her such pain. Would a friend be needy for comfort that all will be ok, or resolve to be strong and available?
Not trying to sound trivial about your situation. But what used to be up is down. What used to be left is right, and right is wrong. Sometimes during this mess, doing what seems natural or right is a mistake. Doing something that feels totally backwards is called for. These things are called 180s for a reason. Going dark when contact with your W hurts very bad just puts a wall between you. Letting her vent has its place. It is being there as her friend. Letting her hear her own words echo in her ears will have an effect on her in time. She will reflect on them in more serene moments and look inside for the source of her anger. A friend will help her find it so she can let it go.
She wants to feel attractive. She wants to restore a percieved lost passion to her life. This is often the seed for relations outside the M. Sometimes there is no OP, but the fantasy of "what if" appears. When someone no longer feels good about themselves, or their life, they look for someone to blame (you are right there) and something that will make them feel better about themself. That internal question is often followed by the matter of "what about me, when will it be my turn".
Trying to schedule regular "dates" is very good. Regular relaxed opportunities to be social is good. It can help take down her wall one brick at a time. It will take a great deal of patience on your part. It will test your will to save your M. It will be worth it. You should expect less painful MC meetings in time. The damage she has built up inside over time is superheated and must cool slowly until she can finally release her issues safely and calmly.
You should read other very important books besides DB. Start with DB. Then Mars and Venus. Then Five Love Languages. The more you can learn about how you have both been failing to communicate at your best is important. You can use all these tools to work on yourself. Your goal is not to tell her about your changes, but to show her ... consistently over time. She will assume anything less is a trick to get her trapped back into the old M that was not working for her.
You will be laying the groundwork to build a new better M. You do not want her back the way things were. Her life was not working for her. It is very likely that something in her life before you two were together did not make her happy and she never resolved her old issues. Something in her growing up maybe. Maybe she did not have a good R with her dad, or feel like his little angel. She could have been missing that all along and feeling you would provide that. She needs to find that she is responsible for her own happiness. You can be part of it, but not in control of it. Right now she is fighting issues like this on her own terms, and probably has for some time without you knowing it. She didn't even acknowledge her demons. But they were not going to be suppressed forever.
Be strong for her, forgiving of yourself, and patient for the restoral of your M.
