Granted your sitch may be different. I haven't seen it yet, but maybe you had a happy, healthy, loving M and your H had an A anyway. Like I said haven't seen it yet - but I'm sure it happens, especially for people who don't value monogamy.
I know, I know, I'm quoting myself...
I wanted to clarify something I said in this paragraph. On the "don't value monogamy" I realized that could have sounded like I meant you didn't, and that's not what I meant at all. I meant that it could be a case where you value it while it isn't an important value to your H. I realize it's a TV show but I'm thinking along the lines of, say, Anthony Soprano. Even that is hard to wrap my head around! But I think it's incredibly rare that someone who's perfectly happy in their M would go out and have an A anyway. Soo many of us thought our M was good or at least OK before the bomb, only to find out that our spouse was extremely unhappy for a long time and turned to the A out of pain.
Quote:
In a lot of ways yours sounds to me like he never really wanted to be married to begin with and for whatever reason he did it anyway (which I think is a really cruel thing to do to you).
I'm sorry that I posted this. It was in my head and I didn't employ enough of that "brain to fingers" filter. I just re-read it and realized how much it would have hurt me to hear that, especially early in my sitch. Not to mention, I try so hard to stop people from mindreading, and here I am trying to read your H'd mind (which no one is capable of, but you certainly have a better understanding of him and your sitch than I possibly could).
I'm really sorry. I hope that I didn't add even more to your hurt with that comment.
(((Pinkribbon)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Regardless, it is very clear that you harbor a lot of negative emotions. If you stand any chance, you will need to diffuse those emotions.
I am wondering if I am starting to have resentment because I know there is no chance. He has stated in no uncertain terms that he will not be back. So I have realized that I don't stand a chance. There are no emails, phone calls, children. There is nothing to draw him back but me. Me whom he hates and is mad as heck at.
NikB- It's ok. Sometimes brain and internet don't mesh right. Today is his birthday and I am feeling sad that I can't talk to him. Why can't he come back and at least try? Why do I get the boot and so many women who cheat have husbands who adore them?
Let his negatives/resentment/no chance/comments, etc roll off you like water on a ducks back. You cannot live your life think in terms of "why won't he reconsider". I know it hurts, I life all the time with that thought. You must GAL, 180, PMA, etc...it's the only way to give you your life back. Mine told me as recently as Sunday night that I never ever ever will have a chance. Then spent the next 40 minutes a listing reason and then letting me tell her "the Lord has forgiven me, I am determined to never be that man again, I am so sorry I made you feel that way, I ask that you forgive me." Then next reason. Or acknowledging my changes calling me SuperDad and 5D adores me...who knows what is on her mind. But I'll tell you what, that conversation would have never occurred had she consider me being the same person as she left. Not only am I convinced that I will life a positive healthy fulfilling life for myself, I am also absolutely certain my WAW will reconsider. And this is, like I said, as recently as Sunday, she said, "you will never ever ever get a chance, why can't you get that through your thick head." Water off a duck...You must stop thinking/feeling so negatively. If you diffuse your negative emotions that's half the battle. In reading, "Hope for the Separated" by G. Chapman, you have a choice, you can choose to love them regardless or you can choose another route. I choose to love her unconditionally. Lose the resentment. Takes time.
I will try better on losing the resentment. It just seems so hard. Like I said we don't have a child to talk about and keep in touch with each other. There is nothing so I don't have anything. One day he is there and the next gone. And I haven't seen him in 5 months so I am at the stage I am getting mad/hurt because he doesn't want to even talk to me. Today is his birthday and I have to pretend my husband doesn't exist. It bites.
Any suggestions on what I can do? I know GAL but I have a life. A full life. But he is just not in that life. So any other suggestions?
Pink, he can't make you happy...no one can do that but you. You have can have a great life with or without him. You have to. What if he had died? Would you be able to go on? Yes, you would have found a way to eventually move on. Right now you are grieving and that takes time. But, you WILL be ok.
As far as the resentment, the only person that hurts is you. It eats you up inside, it keeps you from having healthy relationships with other people. I think it is a decision to let go of the resentment and forgive. Do it for yourself. Do it for your daughter.
Thanl klm I feel a bit better. I am just really struggling today with not being able to contact him. I wish I knew of someway to just get him to talk to me. Today is his brithday so I thought I would send an internet card but I thought that was cheesy. So I am feeling pitiful because I am missing festivities with him. I wish he would open the door a crack so I could just peek in.
Pinkribbon ---- That's exactly why you need to do nothing. Don't pursue him. I bet he remembers the 'festivities'. Really sounds like you are struggling like I did early on. You need, by forcing yourself if necessary, to go do something. Anything. Start with something simple. Your posts sound like you will be ready for his call tonight. Which is just like my WAW pulling in at my house at 2am...not going to happen. Don't sit and wait. Go catch a movie...it doesn't have to be expensive or fancy or life-altering, heck go to a fast-food restraunt and order something different, just go do something. And then catch some z's...nothing better than sleeping 8:30pm until 5-6am. No time for the mind to wander, good night rest, keeps up the PMA..
just going through your threads for the first time. thanks for the kind words you had for me to my post in the WAW forum.
when you guys first met it sounds like you were a more confident woman and knew how to make yourself happy. That confidence and independence are probably what drew your H to you during that courting phase prior to marriage and had him professing his love outside your window. You need to regain that part of you, and not for him, but for you. 1.) you put yourself in the best position to move forward if things don't work out, and 2.) there's a greater chance that a confident, independent "you" will create doubt in his mind compared to a desperate, clingy "you".
I'm at about 8.5 months and still struggling with this, and ask the same questions you do, so don't feel like you're alone. just believe in yourself and know that better days are ahead.
Me: 35 WAW: 34 T: 7.5 yrs M: 3 yrs (2/14/05) no kids ILYB...& EA Bomb 1/5/07 S - 6/15/7 PA started 6/16/07 D Final 10/14/08
I did get a girlfriend and head out tonight. All we did was go shopping and have dinner. Took my mind of off him a little bit. Now I am sitting here painting my nails to match some new shoes I bought for tomorrow.
JMW no he didn't call. bummer I was wishing but not such luck.
brantcan- I was very indep. I was raising my daughter by myself with no family around to help and her dad is not in the picture. I work full time and at the time I was taking 3 classes a semester in college. I finally finished a year and a half ago and now 1 class a semester on my masters. Slow and easy. I thought I looked awesome for my age and I was very happy with my body. I had great perfect legs and was so proud of them! Now phfftttt.... I think the daily nit picking from him wore that confidence down. Everyday it was something...everything from not loading the dishwasher right to I actually got told I didn't scoop the litter box right. I couldn't catch a break at times.
Thanks again guys. You're awesome to take the time to write back some good info for me to ponder. I truly hope one day he will give us a chance again. So I am going to be strong and not contact him. Oh I did take all silly whiny stuff off myspace page today and put fun upbeat stuff and no mention of me missing him. Hopefully he will look at it and go hmmmmm
