Hey Brit, This is just a theory, but I think your wife thinks that all the time you guys were spending together was in your mind with the purpose of eventually getting back together. Duh. You seem like a take charge kind of guy and it could be misconstrued as controlling. I can see why you would have mentioned you going to Chuck E Cheese's with her based on the way that you guys have been spending so much time together, but from your W's IM it seemed clear to me that she wanted to take her on her own. I know you didn't intend it that way, but I think that in itself is what she is perceiving as controlling. You are right about going dark. I think you guys need to stick strictly to the schedule and no more dinners or Home Depot/Walmart visits. I know you need to be flexible for your D, but it's probably more important that you and your W have the consistency. My H and I have ironed out a good schedule. Once a month we sit down and plan the next month. The basic rotation stays the same, but if there need to be any expections (for his work or anything else) then we know ahead of time. It doesn't mean there can't be last minute changes, but they are kept to a minimum. This helps to keep our interactions more pleasant as there isn't last minute changes that can sometimes be seen as self serving or controlling. I know your W can sometimes get upset with you when you back off too much, but I think it's time to do that even if she does. She needs to figure out that SHE is the root of her problems, not you. I think you need to get out of her way so she can do this. That's my 2 cents worth! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Not sure where it's coming from, but I'd agree with you and Jenny to back off. I don't think it was any one thing you did (and OM might have a role in this too...perhaps he doesn't like it when you are around...and maybe she sees all this doing stuff as controlling her ability to see him, etc.) but just too much of you in general. You are like me. I'd say, "I hear you", when given similar advice, and then spend as much time with my wife as she'd want. I don't think the answer is to drop out of her life or to suddenly become cold, but to give her small doses of reality in increments. I'll mention one scenario. If she indicates again how she'll help with any aspect of YOUR house (such as painting), I respectfully decline (ie "that okay. I can get it. Thanks for the offer). Turn her down some on other things as well. I know you might not think so, but to me, you are chasing her. The Chuck E. Cheese thing wasn't a clear invite, so it would have been better to say, "have fun" at the start. If she then said, "you aren't going?", you could have said you couldn't. Basically, create a little more separation, and that includes IMing.
Last edited by Just_Me; 02/28/0808:00 PM.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hi Brit. My H thinks I'm controlling too. When you read my thread today you might agree. I am working late so I'll have to try and e-mail you later. G-mail is filtered out here.
