I think by looking at the traits that many of these OP share it points to some of the shared issues that the WAS have. It is not about making the OP evil or absolving the WAS from their responsibility. I don;t know about anyone else but when I first realized this was happening I thought what is wrong with me, but looking at the other person at least I realize it isn't about someone being better or even about that person at all, because if it was they wouldn't have a page long list of issues.
That is so true neecy! I totally blamed myself when this first happened, and still do to a smaller extent now. It is good to see how it is not just my fault, but there is more going on. I thought if I could just make myself perfect or almost perfect then I could save the marriage, but it doesn't unfortunately work like that...Karen
I do not believe anyone here is focusing on OP. They are merely venting.
Isn't that what we tell each other to do? Better to vent here rather than act out at home and/or to their S'es, wouldn't you agree?
I also think most of the LBS's anger and frustration has to do with the fact that OP is an individual who is totally aware that they are involved with a M'ed person, and yet they choose to ignore it; they have their own agendas. I think that makes it much more difficult to deal with had OP been someone who was deceived as well. Like my sitch, for example. OW was a complete stranger - H not only lied to me, he lied to her, too. She had absolutely no knowledge of H being M'ed with children. Fortunately, she did the right thing and walked away (with a little help from me, of course).
Last edited by GoingForward; 02/28/0806:54 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
"...but looking at the other person at least I realize it isn't about someone being better or even about that person at all, because if it was they wouldn't have a page long list of issues."
The same is true if you look at the WAS — a lot of what is going on with the WAS isn't about you either. If you can get to where you don't personalize WASs actions, that is a good thing.
I did at first. The very night I discovered the A, OW in my sitch was made aware that H was in fact M'ed. Then when I found out contact between them was still taking place, the compassion/empathy quickly turned to anger. I set up a plan and made another phone call to her, knowing I would get her voicemail again. Turns out H was the one continuing to lie to the both of us. It was he who was initiating contact; not her. The next time he tried to call her again, she told him to "eat sh*t" and hung up on him.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Once the anger I had for my H subsided I think the harder thing to deal with was my disappointment in him. I expected him to have more insight and be a stronger person. I had always perceived him differently. I saw him more as a guy who doesn't even notice other women. Kind of like a handsome nerd who would never even look.... this was the very last thing I expected from him and probably the reason I was attracted to him in the first place. And to have this image I admired destroyed, that was difficult.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I only looked at myself when I first found out and for the longest time tried to be "perfect" and change things that I thought were the problem. Only to realize that this really doesn't have anything to do with me.
I take my part of the responsibility for letting the marriage get to where it was a possibility, but the WAS and PA/EA were/are not my choices. They are simply a situation I am being forced to deal with.
I'm with Goingforward about the OP. In my case, this OW knew my H was married and just simply doesn't care. That really frustrates me, because as a woman, a mother and a human being, I just couldn't do that to someone else. I'm not a great person, but I couldn't look at myself in the mirror knowing what I was doing. Call it a conscience or morality...who knows. I just wouldn't/couldn't do it. If I had been decieved, then as soon as I found out, we would be done, but thats just me.
I'm not trying to pick on the OW, I just realize that she is as screwed up if not more so than my H and they will have to deal with that themselves. I am finally getting over the anger at my H, like runningoutoftime, and now its really just the disappointment in his choices and the realization that the life I thought I had/was going to have, probably won't ever be the reality.
So now I focus on me and my kids, go to C and take it one step at a time. She still sucks as a person though!!
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
When my H and I were first friends we were both dating other people. His GF cheated on him and he was devestated. I never expected he would willingly inflict that kind of pain on me. I guess that say something for how much pain he was in.
But yes, disappointed is a good word. He shattered a lot of my "illusions" about how good a person he was. And he will have to do a lot in the long run to make it up to me. I will never give OW the chance. She is out of my life, and if my wish comes true she will be out of my H's life forever.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I saw him more as a guy who doesn't even notice other women. Kind of like a handsome nerd who would never even look.... this was the very last thing I expected from him and probably the reason I was attracted to him in the first place. And to have this image I admired destroyed, that was difficult.
This is the way I felt, it made me feel like I didn't even know him. Just so absolutely betrayed. I NEVER saw it coming. I am still in shock when I think about it.
As far as the OW having problems....it seems they all do. I guess a woman that is "together" with no emotional baggage wouldn't have an A with a married man.
I had to laugh (partly to keep from screaming/crying) when I saw my H had put on his myspace profile that he was dating a "wonderful girl" because of an article on affairs I had read where the author pointed out that wonderful people don't have affairs with married people.
I also feel like I don't know my H anymore. They are all posessed. I'm only half joking when I say I'm about ready to try exorcism since nothing else has worked so far.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
