Helloooo...Smoother Ride....Where Are You?? - Pt.2

[lovelyolive]

Sue,
If it makes you feel any better, my H is now seeing me in a whole different light. In the midst of D proceedings, he is telling me what a wonderful, beautiful woman I am. And guess what?? He couldn't blame me and despise me enough a year ago. I was this horrible wife who couldn't do any of her "wifely duties" well. My point is that sometimes you just have to let go - even if it's only for a short time - so that your H can see you in a different light.

Embrace this separation as a time to discover you again. Easy to say.. so very hard to do.

Take care
LO

[NoCodeBlues]

Sue,

I know what it is like to give up the pursuits of your youth. I used to do a lot of somewhat dangerous (in retrospect) outdoor activities. I used to mountain bike (serious single-track stuff); now I only take a casual jaunt along paved jogging trails, and only once in a blue moon. I used to salt-water kayak, reading tidal charts and plotting navigational courses in treacherous waters; this can be a very dangerous sport if you don't know what you're doing. Now I hardly get out more than once a year in a canoe on flat water lakes. I also used to smoke, drink and go out late to pubs and bars with friends. I don't do any of that stuff any more either.

By the time I became a father, I had given up all these foolish or reckless activities. I did so willingly, because God had blessed my W and I with children after nearly ten years struggling to start our family, and I wanted to be around when they were all grown and married and having kids of their own. It would have been the height of irresponsible folly for me to carry on like I was a single, unmarried young man when I had a family who now depended on me. Seriously, I love(d) sea kayaking, but it can risk your very life if you don't take careful precaution.

And yet those "sacrifices" (or more appropriately, "trade-offs") were still not enough to satisfy W that I was committed to her and our family. She still wanted to exert more control over my interests and direct them solely onto what she felt were important.

Paradoxically, at the same time, the fact that I was becoming more "tame" probably disappointed my W -- she has undoubtedly felt some guilt, remorse and disappointment that I willingly domesticated myself for the sake of my family -- and became less "interesting" too. So W did not really appreciate how I changed my lifestyle and interests to become a father.

I guess with W, as in so many things with her, it was/is a no win situation either way.

[Rob1231]

NCB, the big difference I see between what you describe and Sue's H is that you made a conscious, reasoned choice - something that I think he is not capable of until he gets the alcoholism under control.

[SueS]

Rob- You are right. He won't be able to make those decisions until his drinking is under control. I just thought about something the other night. One of his closest friends went in to treatment back in November. H hasn't talked to him even though another good friend of theirs has suggested H call him. I feel like H can't call. He knows what he'll hear and he just doesn't want to right now.

So, I slipped. I've been trying to make life about me and not about the A. Trying not to dwell on things. I brought some papers to work with me. Some of the papers included some bank statements of H's from last summer. He'd worked with a friend back in July and I saw a hotel room on there. A room that I knew wasn't close to where his friend had stayed. A room near where OW works. Something snapped. Suddenly I found myself on the phone with H asking him about it and asking him if the PA had started way back then. He told me no and asked why I was calling him at work about this. I didn't know why. Everything had piled up on me and I just made the call to him. I said, you'd told me that you stayed with your friend. After a few minutes, we let that go and talked for just a minute about D3. Unless he was hiding his anger, H was actually nice after my questioning. Why did I do that? I just snapped. I was angry. I almost called him right back and apologized for blasting him at work, but also to ask him to understand how painful this is for me and how watching my H slip away from me and have no control over it is the hardest thing I've ever done.

SueS

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((Sue)))))

Why did I do that? I just snapped. I was angry.

Hey, I've been there. I'd say it's only natural. When you've been kept in the dark so long by your spouse, lied to, deceived, treated like you're paranoid, it gets to be too much sometimes. The frustration builds as the denials persist, and when you occasionally get confirmation or evidence that supports what you already have suspected, it overloads your ability to cope. Even small revelations can suddenly precipitate into an explosion of pent up frustration and angst.

So you're a human being like the rest of us. Let him sue you.

Hang in there.

[SueS]

Even small revelations can suddenly precipitate into an explosion of pent up frustration and angst.

So you're a human being like the rest of us. Let him sue you.

Thanks NoCode. That's how I feel. I'm human.

The worst part right now is that he's calling me Inspector Clouseau. He emailed me and that's what the title was. He emailed me to remind me that it's the birthday today of a very good friend of ours. I said I'd send him an ecard. H responded saying.....I'll call him over lunch........and have you ever considered a career as with CSI? I responded by asking him not to be a smarta$$ about this. That I was looking over paper work to get some financial things straightened out for us, I saw it, got upset and called. And that I shouldn't have done it while he was at work. I think he thinks it's funny because it's something from so long ago. While I see his humor as hurtful because his joking about a possilble meeting at a hotel with his OW isn't funny to me.

SueS

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue, Don't worry about it - we ALL backslide. It's impossible not to ('cause we're ALL human!)

The worst part right now is that he's calling me Inspector Clouseau.

What's that mantra? You can't control his actions, you can only control your responses to them. So, let him have his stupid little nickname, and just let it roll off your back.

Better yet, in your head, think Yeah, laugh it up, Lunkhead. I'm not the only one with a nickname!

[SueS]

Better yet, in your head, think Yeah, laugh it up, Lunkhead. I'm not the only one with a nickname!

Rob- Thanks! Funny you say that too. My very, very dear friend & co-worker was standing here at my desk when his email came in. She said.....boy, if he only knew the nicknames we have for him!!

Have a good night!

SueS

[Snow White]

The worst part right now is that he's calling me Inspector Clouseau.

My husband makes comments constantly about how I should become a PI too. The oddest thing is, is when I went and confronted ow and oddly we had a 2 hour chat about various things she mentioned trying to figure something out at work one day and being flattered when my H told her that she was almost as smart as his wife when it came to digging stuff up

[saffie]

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS Sue)))))))))))))))))

I am sickened by your H's insensitivity and can only think it is alcohol driven.