Things are ok - I've been pretty down, but partly PMS I think. I'm having a real hard time figuring out what my attitude is - use the power of positive thinking or truly let go? I can't hold both in myself at the same time. I have C tomorrow, but don't really want to explore this - I feel kind of stupid.
I gave him the t-shirt when he came by my office to sign the tax forms - I made no fuss about it, but I think he was glad to get a gift.
Yesterday was the most contact I've had with him in ages. We had another big storm. He left me vm at work to ask if I needed the roof cleared (my satellite dish gets blocked - can't have no TV!). When I had a chance to call him back, he was already at the house. He took care of the roof and several other things that I mentioned were issues I needed to deal with. He not only spent quite a bit of time doing that, but he called me a couple of times to tell me what he was doing and I kept telling him how much I appreciated it. When I finally got home from work, I was debating calling him to say thanks again when the phone rang - he actually called me again! He just wanted validation of his work. I'm not reading much into it, but he hasn't called me with no reason for a very long time. I used it as an opportunity to let him know about some of my GAL activities - my H wouldn't have a clue if I am out dancing every night or sitting home drooling. Anyway - I joined a book club at my church and they are coming here tomorrow night. We don't usually have people over to the house (I'm not anti-social, but self conscious about dog hair, etc), so that is new. And I went to a show Monday night with my niece, so I mentioned that. I love to go to plays so that is no change, but I wanted him to know that I am getting out socially and not pining away. We actually had a nice, upbeat talk and I felt positive about it.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
He's still connected.....If he was pleased about the T-shirt and teh validation, is that something you didn't do before? Can you start to build on this? It may take some time, but slowly does it. But your in no rush. My H was the same, he stayed away in the initial few months and I think when he knew it was 'safe' for him he started to stay a bit longer and chat for longer.
Your GAL activities sound Fab and I think a good idea to build a network of new friends. If you didn't do this much before, do you think that maybe your H felt a bit suffocated, in other words he may have felt that you totally depended on him for entertainment.
I know how you feel about being 'down'. I have good days and bads days and i totally obsess about my H. I don't feel in a place that I want to shut down and let go yet, i'm not ready for that, I guess we have to act as if around our H's, it's the not knowing and been in a state of limbo or holding.
Your doing really well.
((Seek)))
X Eve
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
Had my C session Friday - left feeling pretty good about myself. She was kind of summing up the past six months or so that I've been seeing her and basically saying that I've handled myself well. I agree! Neither H or I have gotten mean or nasty. I am still loving toward him - as much as I can be under the circumstances. She said that H should see (if his fog ever lifts) that he is lucky to have me - not a direct quote, but the gist of it. As we all know, being left can make you feel pretty bad about yourself, and I have lots of regrets, but at least I can feel ok about how I have met the challenge of this crisis in my M.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I don't feel in a place that I want to shut down and let go yet, i'm not ready for that,
I'm really working on this - I want to learn to be happy with what I have now, living in the present. It's hard b/c I have been so focused on wanting a life partner and trying to deal with the loss of that dream or obsession or delusion - whatever it is. I feel that my life is enhanced by sharing it, but that is just not going to happen right now and I don't control it, anyway. I think I'm getting there, but "peace of mind" doesn't come easily to me, hence my name on this site.
I am reading "A New Earth" right now and there are a couple of quotes that I've marked because they are so pertinent to this journey. This is one: "If there is unhappiness in you, first you need to acknowledge that it is there. But don't say, 'I'm unhappy.' Unhappiness has nothing to do with who you are. Say: 'There is unhappiness in me.' " Since I have said "I'm unhappy" to myself many times over the past couple of years, this is a change I have made starting this weekend and I think it will help my PMA.
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I think thats great. The change i've made this weekend is to wake up and state this will be a good day, a happy day. The more we start to believe in our 'own' happiness, the more likely it will radiant from us, with luck or H's will see this.
Also i've decided to be quiet and still, observe and occupy my time with things other than this DB obssession.
It must be great to have C reinforce your positives. I like what she said about the fog lifting, maybe all h needs is time. Keep longly distant but connected via texts.
Have you contacted H this week, with a light upbeat text?
More later
x Eve
P/A confirmed 5/03/08
03/08 H said affair over, I dont think it is, h still doesn't want marriage
T: 13 M: 8 D:20 & 17 from Previous M S: 8 & 4 BS: May 07 ILYBNILWY S: 13/10/07
wake up and state this will be a good day, a happy day. The more we start to believe in our 'own' happiness, the more likely it will radiant from us
You're right - I had started doing something similar for a while, but then I guess I got distracted from it. Even if I don't really believe it at first, over time it's got to take root. . . .
Originally Posted By: Eve pka disapptd
Also i've decided to be quiet and still, observe and occupy my time with things other than this DB obssession.
I'm there with you - for lots of reasons, but mostly because I really want to use this time for my own growth, as much as I can, so I need to branch out.
I'm going to wait a few more days to contact H. One thing I'm developing is patience - not my best "virtue", but it can apparently be learned!
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
I just read your "discussion" of yesterday. I think what you both said is THE most important realisation we come to through this journey. The books, therapists, experts, everybody talks about it and it is true. It takes time to realise it when we are in such a fundamental crisis for our lives facing a divorce or a break up. Once we do, it get's much easier. At least it did for me. My T says, "you can't control your past nor your future, just your present, make the best out of it" She is right, you know. A lot of our anxieties just vanish if we think about it, this way.
Hello Seek, I have been going to counseling for about three weeks now was going twice a week but now just once. I had a lot of stuff from several deaths and then the whole seperation thing and I never dealt with it properly and it manifested itself while I was seeing my fiancee. I feel better now that I know what the root of the problem is and have really dealt with it. I now am just practicing what I have learned and checking in with the counselor. He has me writing a lot and reading some really good books that if given the chance I would love to apply to my relationship with her again. She really is the coolest lady I have every met and she has a very soft side to her that I cherish. We saw each other this past weekend at a friends house and went boating. We had a good time, some good laughs, some quiet time and a few actions on her part that I can't begin to tell you how much I miss. She didn't want me to get my hopes up but said she missed me. It is so hard to see myself here when all I want is to be married to her. I have done so much to turn myself around and do the things I know would make her happy, I can only hope it comes to fruition. As for her actions about my counseling she really didn't say much about it, but really she didn't need to. The counseling is for me, no one made me go and I wasn't trying to restore our relationship by just going through the motions. With her help I finally saw a problem in me that I could not explain. Again I am happy I have my act together, what comes of it I can't tell you but another chance to show her the new me is more than able to be a partner that shares the same ideas of a relationship and how one should or should not act. I have also learned a thing or two about making the relationship stronger and doing more on my part to ensure trust and understanding. Funny how our actions saw the wrong thing about us or leave one to wonder what we might be up to when there is nothing going on. So I feel I was week in that area. I simply miss her and want to be with her. Thanks for listening and you're input SEEK.
Seek, isn't strange, you have a strong relatioship with someone ie. marriage or pre-marriage and something happens. Suddenly you have no idea what to do, where to go. I learn from reading the articles on this web site, I get more from my counselor and from ladies at work. I don't know if its a guy thing mostly or what but I feel so lost. When the engagement was broken off she needed space. I was going out of my mind because we had been so close and I could not figure out where my place was without causing some sort or irritation. I took about a week or so to finally figure out my place which was when I really started seeng the counselor. Hurt and broken trust is something that is really different for me because its usually being done to me and in this case my actions caused the hurt. So have had to learn a lot to get to where I am now. I still love her very much and I still have my woe is me moments when I think about her as something other than my wife or a really close friend. This is not easy by any means but a real pleasure when you see two people work out a problem and restore the relationship.
