Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[Underdog]

E--You're welcome! I'm glad you found something that resonated with you. That's what this place is all about.

Cagz--I'm back here today in case Pam can't. I'll let her catch up here when she can. But I went back and re-read something you wrote and just want to say wow. You get it. It was the part where you shared what you have learned. I don't know if you realize how doggone introspective your list is. Look down with a smile, because you've put on some real big girl panties! Seriously, this one is a gem:

I have learned that being a wonderful wife doesn't mean letting go of what you truly believe in.

I bet this one cost you a whole lot inside and my guess is you were grossly devaluing yourself to adopt the moniker "wonderful wife" according to someone else. Wow. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get this one.

Another one:

I have learned that my daughter and son are WATCHING me like a hawk --- and I truly AM a walking talking testimony

I'm deliberately cutting off the rest of your statement because he is not part of your big lesson here from my POV. You ARE walking testimony and a living example to your children. So is he, but I can promise you with a hand on a bible and an oath that your children are going to share their observations with you along the way and you are truly going to *KNOW* this for a fact. His choices are his, and yours are yours. You are their only hope in learning how to cope with his departure from your lives, so do it well.

Cagz, my D14 was only 8 (nearly 9) when her dad left... right after new years in 2003. She doesn't remember what she said to me the night he moved out, as we sat at the dinner table. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Mom, your anger scares me. I don't want to be scared of you, so will you change?" I was horrified and at that very second I realized that I truly didn't want my children to be afraid of me or my anger. It was then that I committed to working on how I expressed my anger.

A couple years later she wrote me a note on mothers day that I still have tacked up on my bulletin board. It was a beautiful tribute to me, but my very favorite comment--bar none--is the part where she told me, "I love you because you taught me how to treat others who hurt me or who don't want to love me." She told me verbally that learning how to forgive someone who doesn't want forgiveness was a valuable experience. And she doesn't remember how angry or awful I was when her dad moved out.

BUT she remembers every horrid thing he ever said to me. She remembers how he protected himself by lashing out at me. She remembers how awful he behaved when we began to work on our parenting arrangements. I had to show her my own forgiveness for her to be willing to forgive him for hurting all of us so badly. It was so doggone hard to make this choice, Cagz, but it was so worth it.

I'm not saying that your H will allow you to be the big person with your kids, but don't let that stop you from being that bigger woman. THEY will notice and they will appreciate the fact that you made the difficult choice to act with love rather than anger.

I'll share another tip with you. In the beginning, I was one angry, hateful mess. I had no happy thoughts and I definitely couldn't come up with anything nice to say about him to anyone. I don't think that calling him an a*hole could ever be a compliment? Anyhoo, the most positive goal I could imagine setting for myself was to not say anything about him to anyone. After a few days of finding out that it wasn't terribly inconvenient, I decided that I would work on talking about him without saying anything negative. Gradually, this intent spilled over into our communications and we worked on it. Granted, I had a willing participant. My XH didn't want to be an a*hole. And he was a quick study... he figured out very quickly that if he wanted my cooperation, he'd learn how to treat me with respect. But he didn't do it willingly. I had to treat him with dignity first, and it sucked because I thought he was the biggest jerk west of the Mississippi.

My whole point--and I did have one--is don't underestimate your power with your children. They are definitely looking to you to show them how to be. The better you that you present to others, the more respect they will show you as well. It works wonders when you're a single mom. At some point, they'll make it obvious that it's YOU they choose to be with. You just commit to building the path to make it all possible.

You truly are off to a terrific start. I know that you have a bomb anniversary coming up and all of this is overwhelming. Just tell yourself that you WILL survive it. You have support and help and your children love you. At some point, you're going to realize that you're good enough, friend. Just take it one day at a time, and one positive thought at a time.

Keep up the great job!

Betsey

p.s. IMP--I had to laugh at your have no fear comment. I loved that cartoon! I chose this name for several reasons and one of them was definitely hearing Wally Cox say that very phrase! On the other hand, I knew I was an underdog coming into this fight, but I knew I'd come out a winner no matter what my XH chose to do. Hell, I done good. And so have you!