Well, I didnt want to talk to HIS counselor about HIM, no, I wanted a counselor to talk to about me. I want help for me. I wasnt trying to manipulate things at all. Really, there isnt too many good ones in this area. Our MC had recommended her and I value his opinion. Please dont think that my intentions were anything but that. But if you think it would be best to talk to someone different, I will try to find someone else. This lady just really seems to know her stuff is all.
I did listen to all that he said. He told me he wanted to share this with me. But to everything he would say, he wanted me to comment. I shouldnt have asked the question I did, but he is always wanting me to share my thoughts, and if that is my only thought, how could I not share it? We are trying to be open about things now.
I like what you said though about Having to untie the knot. Makes sense. Actually the counselor did say that his issues even have been affected by my insecurities. So I know everything is connected....
Im getting this. You guys have really helped me today. Yes, I think I like drama, well, not necessarily the drama itself, but at least then I know what is going on.
The therapist did tell him that he and I cant be friends the way he wants right now. He wants us to be good friends NOW. He doesnt want to wait 2 or 3 years down the road....she told him that we need to be parents first and friends later....I guess what is hard to understand about that is we are already good coparents. We parent our kids well and have no conflicts really, until it comes to the OW. That is our conflict. OF course I am beginning to see now that she really isnt the issue at all.
I guess what I really need to do is just lay low. Live my life each day as if he is never coming back. If he does, great. I just dont think I would ever be ok with it.
My thing is I want that friendship so we can build on it and hopefully have abetter marriage int he end. He thinks the opposite....what if that is all it will ever be? I dont think that way.
I know the C has to help him understand himself. I know he has to get better before he can move any direction. I am hearing what you all say. Thank You Lin...I do need to keep my opinions to myself, just hard when he asks for them.
Oh, and the picking of his hobby....thing is my H couldnt pick one. She told him that she would do it for him then! She werent telling him that she would, without asking him first. You see, he has never had a hobby....the EMS, isnt a hobby, they havent even touched on that subject yet....
I think I just want to go away for a while. Disappear even. Of course I cant do that, but I want to.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
She wants him to get a hobby. He doesn't have any. She said SHE would find one for him. She said he is the type of person who clings to other people.
This bothered me too. That's why I said that I hoped she intended to help him recognize what his issues were, but would let HIM take the steps and make the decisions.
It did seem VERY odd to me.
As for a counselor, I highly recommend you see one. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, and have only one counselor available, I can't imagine why you would see your husband's counselor. Personally, I can't imagine the counselor being willing to see both of you individually.
Make sure that your motivation in EVERYTHING is motivated by improving Kissak and her children, NOT gathering information about your husband, your future, or his desires. Nothing good would come from that in my eyes.
Again, a counselor for you is a great idea. I saw one twice a week after the bomb, once a week after that, then twice a month down to once a month. All of this over a 6 month period, paid for by my employers insurance except for co-pay. It was a life saver for me. Of course, I had a GREAT counselor too.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
oh, my H did text me last night, wanted to know and answer to a question he had and others had brought up to him....
He asked "what do you expect from me?"
I couldnt answer, I didnt know. What should i have said.
Right now, I expect nothing.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I expect you to take care of yourself....your children...and respect me
Not sure I would actually give him an answer though...again, something HE needs to think about...
RE: the c...I know the C I saw did NOT want to see H too...she said it gets to convaluted and it is too tempting for one spouse to want to inquire about the other...it is BEST kept seperate...
So if you need to see someone...interview another one or ask your MC for another referal for you!
So now that you know the sky isn't falling...sit back and leave things be...
Man, my first thought was just to give us a chance.
But to take care of himself, he is doing. The kids, he always has. Respecting me, he is working on. I think He can manage these things. He told me he expects peace, understanding and cooperation from me.
Im trying.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I have to say that I have thought to myself several times lately that I want to ask my H for the separation papers he had drawn up over a month ago, so I can look over them and have my lawyer look at them, so we can go ahead and sign them. I feel like I need to make a decision in my life. I dont want a divorce, but I do want some kind of decision.
DO yall understand what i mean?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
My personal opinion, no offense intended, is that this is nothing more than your anxiety over this crisis desperately wanting a resolution.
And, again my personal opinion, finding yourself with a spouse in full blown MLC, complete with finally addressing childhood issues that may be responsible for his inexplicable actions, is a bad time to try to force some kind of resolution.
Sometimes being still on this matter of the "relationship" really is the best thing we can do.
Would you still have the desire to "decide something" if your request for separation papers caused your husband to decide that he truly did want a divorce? I wouldn't think that would be the outcome you were hoping for.
Uncertainty is something that most of us do not handle well, so I understand your frustration. And having a spouse wander outside the marriage relationship, leave the home, and vascillate back and forth between person A and person B, and divorce and no divorce, wreaks havoc with our heart. After a certain amount of time we just want something, ANYTHING, settled.
But now is just not the time for that.
You.
Your children.
Your work and interests.
These are things you CAN control, these are things you CAN do something about. You might be surprised at what an effect moving in some new directions in THESE areas would have on your outlook and your emotions. It's at least worth a try.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
thank you Bill....I think you said it well. Basically I just want something, anything. Settled. I am so tired. I do try to get a life. Much more now than in the beginning. I do pretty good in that aspect. Occassionally I find myself alone and I dont really like it. I am trying to be still. I guess something that scares me lately is the quietness. What does it mean? I know he is over me, and I can only think this is a true sign he is.
Oh me. Life.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
