Again, not a lot of help, but aren't you glad that you aren't that screwed up? What a sad existence.
Don't think for a second that I'm taking up for any of them, I'm soooo not. I just thank my lucky stars that even though I have issues, mine are not quite that bad.
If your H's think that they are going to be able to save these OW then they are just as delusional and messed up as they are. I know we know this, its just a matter of the H's figuring it out.
Mine is no different, he is dealing with the surfacing of some childhood issues, a gambling addiction and various other things and this OW is even more messed up than he is, so he becomes the savior and ruins not only our lives together but my kids' lives as well and they just don't get it.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
"To be worth the sacrifice, every word had to be incandescent." In other words, she had to always seem the "better choise," sort of a perfect, flawless being.... or else he'd be left with huge regret, and he would always feel she was somewhat responsible for his loss.
Gosh ROOT.. That really hits home with many of us doesn't it? I can actually see my H's ow trying so very hard to be the better choice.. Now how could that ever happen?? ha!
Yes, it's an interesting look at the dynamics of being the OP and what a relationship with a married person would entail. For example, in most cases it's not being involved with an independent, secure, emotionally stable person, but rather someone fleeing a situation they perceive negatively for something they hope will make them happier. As the OP you are not being loved for "you," but what this person hopes you can provide for them..... an alternative to what they have. And gosh, you better be BETTER or else you are going to be huge disappointment!
Ugh!!! that is a terrible burden. I have a pretty huge self-esteem, but I definitely wouldn't want that kind of pressure.
On the other hand, as a LBS, you have a nice little opportunity to make it more difficult for OP. Before the marriage is over, or during the S or D, make sure your spouse leaves with plenty of good memories. The current good ones will help change how the past is perceived... and make the OP's position even more difficult (it's a nice, safe little form of revenge).
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Hahahahaha. And my friends all thing I'm weird for being so nice to my H. But me, I see how much it surprises him, and I know it makes him feel guilty about what he's doing. It's my small form of revenge!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Ya know, the WAS having the affair is behaving no better or worse than the OP, with the exception that the WAS is the one CHEATING on you. Obsessing and brewing about the OP is really not useful. If you think the OP is irretrievably evil/damaged/selfish/disfunctional/whatever, it is unclear why you would not feel the same way about the WAS.
Focus on yourself, not on some third party who is a symptom of the problems in your M.
Ya know, the WAS having the affair is behaving no better or worse than the OP, with the exception that the WAS is the one CHEATING on you. Obsessing and brewing about the OP is really not useful. If you think the OP is irretrievably evil/damaged/selfish/disfunctional/whatever, it is unclear why you would not feel the same way about the WAS.
Focus on yourself, not on some third party who is a symptom of the problems in your M.
I think there are hundreds of threads on this site that focus on ourselves and the WAS. This is just one thread that happened to focus on the OP, which I know some of us found interesting. If you didn't, then you don't have to read or post on the thread of course. I don't think any of us were suggesting the OP's were evil so much as many seem to be dysfunctional from reading the posts.
I think most of us would agree from the posts on the site here that we do think that our WAS are usually dysfunctional in some way as well. We are not blaming everything 100% on the OP, I don't believe any of the posts here have said that. But I do believe that, for example, the OP in my case, for her to have gotten involved with a married man with kids, and she was a friend of mine, I do believe she has some psych. issues, esp. since she is also married with kids as well. And FYI, I am focusing on myself, have a C and am working on DR (as is everyone on this board I believe) and GALing, but I still can read and be interested in a post like this! Karen
Good point OT, and you are absolutely right. There are a lot of sides to this whole thing and I'm just examining one that doesn't always get considered. Especially in the heat of anger....
But part of focusing on oneself is being a better person and trying to make the best out of situation (especially when children are involved). However, you are right. Focusing on oneself (self-improvement, healing, creating a great life, etc...) should be the main goal.
P.s. But I'm human too and the idea of getting a wee little revenge on OP (and husband too), by proving I am a great person and it's a good family, and knowing OP is going to have a hard time competeing with that.... well, it does tend to make the whole situation just a little bit easier in the eariler stages. It's creates a little "jumpstart" to help with GALing.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
It is a lot easier to forgive the WAS. In my stitch, I had a lot of good years with my H before all the $h!t hit the fan.
OTOH, I knew OW for 2 months before she jumped into my bed with my H. Let's just say not a good first impression and we will NEVER EVER EVER be friends again.
I talk about my stitch with my H on my thread, I read about others on their threads, and I talk to a C periodically. This is the only place I have ever seen to actually just talk about the OW. This only one piece of a much bigger puzzle.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I think by looking at the traits that many of these OP share it points to some of the shared issues that the WAS have. It is not about making the OP evil or absolving the WAS from their responsibility. I don;t know about anyone else but when I first realized this was happening I thought what is wrong with me, but looking at the other person at least I realize it isn't about someone being better or even about that person at all, because if it was they wouldn't have a page long list of issues.
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
