Bump it til it's pulled or she sticks it - or another thread like it - to the top of the forum.
When a person finds him or herself the spouse of a MLCer they don't understand what is going on, only that their life just got ripped right out of from under them. They are not "rational" because their LIFE is no longer "rational". They don't give a rat's behind about getting a life and taking care of themselves or strategy. They have a deep need to UNDERSTAND in ANY WAY POSSIBLE what might have happened to the person they have known and loved for so long that has, seemingly overnight, become a complete stranger. MLC is not always the cause but having the resources CONVENIENTLY LOCATED and accessible to newcomers and oldtimers alike is, in my opinion, very important. As an example, The Stages of MLC was written by someone that KNOWS, in a way that no moderator that I've seen POSSIBLY can know, just what the nuts and bolts of MLC are. When I first came here, I did not know WHAT the hell had happened to me for approximately the 3 years prior to my registering here. One night, I read the Stages of MLC and then I knew. I don't think I did one real thing towards healing MYself until I understood what happened to me. It is similar for LBSs. It is born into us as humans, this need to understand. Until we've turned over every rock, most of us won't quit searching for the truth, for SOMETHING that we can grasp and OTHERS that we can hang with in the storm. Each person will eventually come to that place where yes, they WILL be looking for ideas to GAL, positive thinking tips, etc...but that's not how it starts.
I support DivorceBusting and am personally grateful to Michele for giving enough of a damn about the state of the family today to write her books and create this site for us, where we all come and share, cry, make friends, vent and learn....without having to pay a membership fee.
What I do not support is the blatant attempt that has gone on - especially on THIS board - to fix something that I'll give you MIGHT have needed a little bit of leadership, but DAMN sure wasn't broken to the extent the DB-police needed to come riding in.
The fact that so many GOOD, VALUED, TRUSTED LONGTIME POSTERS WERE BANNED makes me question the integrity behind the powers that be.
We are often opinionated. Sometimes we are bad. Somedays we just screw around all day laughing. Sometimes we break out the 2x4's.
Living with MLC's a bitch. The aftermath is even moreso.
Not every marriage will be busted but every person it touches can be saved and we hadn't lost one yet so we do not need a babysitter or someone to pick and choose what we can say, read or express to one another.
What I believe might have started with someone's good intentions has clearly ruffled enough feathers that someone higher up than a board moderator needs to take a look and listen to your posters, your registered members. The people who's voices tell our neighbors, relatives, coworkers and friends about Michele and her books. That reason alone, makes our collective voices important enough that we should be heard.
Basically all of the resources in that link at the top are people's stories. And that is the problem I have with them. I do not think comig to a message board qualifies one as an expert in midlife crisis. It qualifies them as an expert in the midlife crisis of one person.
Now if Michele or her professional staff wants to put up a list of resources, I am all for it. But amatuer psychologists should not be cobnfused with professionals.
Thanks Amy. I for one have found the resources to be very helpful. Infact the one of the most "helpful" things here.
I did not join this site thinking anyone here would solve my problems or marriage. I am an adult, it is up to me and me alone to take care of my life and my marriage. I see that as a given. I came here to be around other people who are living through the same life experience as I am and as a result understand the pain I feel, the grief, the loss, and the hardship I am going through.
Although we are not all the same people, we are connected through that experience. I just wanted a place that I could come and feel comfortable expressing my feelings knowing others would at least get it. If they had useful insights and helpful solutions all the better. But not even a professional can solve my life for me. I see two therapist full time. Their job is to guide me to better help myself, not tell me what to do. As far as non professionals, it is up to me to know that people here come for support and to be supportive of others, not to have all the answers for me. If some one is destructive that is one thing, but I find different views actually helpful as we are not all the same and one solution does not fit all.
I love the DB idea. I understood it as.. do what works and be creative and open about it, not just do this and only this.
The point is, I think, that this is a COMMUNITY where we come to SHARE our experiences with each other.
We comfort, we listen, we encourage, we share, we set each other straight. Most importantly we KNOW that we are receiving advice from others who are not experts but have been through it.
I would say that trusting the content of anything you find on a google search is not any wiser than taking the thoughts of someone who has been through MLC themselves as gospel. You certainly have to exercise discretion when attaching significance to material found on the internet at the very least.
Furthermore, can we not assume that if the managers of this site allow this information to become part of a sticky, that they are in general agreement with this information? If not, there's not much management going on here.
As to the rest of Amy's post, I wholeheartedly agree. I'm all for approaching our marital issues with a DB technique. I assume most of us are here because either we've read the books, seen her on TV, or been recommended here by others. But life is not as simple as going down the checklist and marking off step 1, step 2, etc.
We're talking about people's lives here. We're talking about people who have had their once happy lives turned upside down and inside out. Life is just a bit more complicated than that.
Put the resources in a spot where you don't have to be an experienced member to figure out where they are. I'm not sure why they ever had to be moved to begin with. As someone else has already pointed out, Michelle herself recommends arming yourself with as much information as possible about this MLC crap. Information is knowledge and dispels fear.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I can say with certainty that I would not have DBed for as long as I have if I hadn't found the MLC forum and the Resources that used to be at the top.
The resources may not have been written by professionals, but how many of those professionals who write about, or even believe in MLC have actually lived through an MLC of their own or with their spouse? They may be stories, but they are stories that comforted me in times of great despair and supported what I believed.
In the Midlife chapter of Michele's book, she recommends reading everything you can on MLC. I was never very successful at finding many resources on MLC outside of this forum. Most of what I do find is written by journalists, who also don't count as professional psychologists. Where I live, many of the recommended books on MLC are not available. The stories written by real people who have lived through it are, in my opinion, the best resources available.
What people choose to do with that information and how they choose to move forward with their lives is up to them. But having a better understanding of what may be going on can definitely be a catalyst to get them moving in the right direction.
Basically all of the resources in that link at the top are people's stories. And that is the problem I have with them. I do not think comig to a message board qualifies one as an expert in midlife crisis. It qualifies them as an expert in the midlife crisis of one person.
Now if Michele or her professional staff wants to put up a list of resources, I am all for it. But amatuer psychologists should not be cobnfused with professionals.
IMP
With all due respect imp, where do you think ANYONE learns about ANY behavior be it a repetitive and productive one or a deviant one? We learn from other people's stories. From listening, reading, considering and taking from them what we can put to use in our own sitches. Sometimes it may be nothing but at other times it may be the one thing that makes a difference. As for "professionals", I'll take my chances with someone that's been in the trenches of MLC, on EITHER side, before I'd walk into the office of a man or woman whose only experience might have been in the pages of a text book. Life experience. That's where wisdom is born. Not in a classroom or lecture hall.
As an aside, I don't recall asking in my initial post who thought the resources were valuable. Okay, so you don't. Cool. But the majority here will disagree with you. Here's a straw. Suck it up.
I for one found the MLC resources thread very useful in the beginning. It helped me to realize what I was up against and that I was not the one who was insane. Smurf worked hard on putting all together for the rest of us.
I was told not to follow the timeline, so I never did. But it did help me prepare for what MAY come next.
I don't think anyone of the oldtimers who posted in the resource thread came off like they knew it all. They got their information from books and experience alone. I believe Snodderly experienced MLC firsthand with 2 men in her lives and we are blessed that she shares those experiences with us. She has helped so many people here on the boards.
No one has all the answers and there really isn't too much information out their on the web or the bookstores.
I still don't see what is so bad about the MLC Resource thread. MLC is a whole different ball game then other spouses who have left their M.
So I for one, am in support of bringing the MLC resource thread back up to the top.
