Meredith..your 5 years continuned.

[Underdog]

Howdy folks,

Just got to the office and am about ready to finish working on a business plan, but want to pop in and say you guys sure covered a lot of ground today! Well done!

Oh boy, Cagz, you'd have to go to the bowels of the BB to dig up all our stories. They aren't terribly different than anyone else who is here... but perhaps one big thing you can tell from your um, old, posters is that the one thing we share in common is the time we've had to heal. IMP and I have thrived post-D. Pam's journey took longer. Meredith thrived post-D and wound up remarrying her H all over again. If we had wagered on each other, I'm sure we'd have all lost a great deal of money.

But time DOES heal, and it helps when you become actively involved during the process. I'll share a little secret with you... it's an on-going thing. Just when you think you've completely gotten over something, something else will come along and remind you that you're just not quite there yet. Anniversaries are difficult, though the pain does lessen with time. I fondly call mine the Unniversary. The anniversary of my divorce? Annivorcery. I celebrate neither.

So I just want you to be realistic that there is no magic bullet or quick fix here, and we all still get caught up in some aspects of grieving for a long period of time. I did have to smile WITH you about the Olivia karaoke and crying. While that particular song brings happy memories for me (what can I say, I'm a child of the 70s and I love that musical), I found myself bawling while watching Bruce Almighty. Remember the scene at the end, when Jennifer Aniston prays to God to make her not love Bruce? For whatever reason, some screen writer tapped into my very prayer and made Jennifer look way better crying than I ever looked. (Sucks to be me, you know? She got rich off that one and I was stuck with the prayer in real life.)

Funny thing, that. If loving someone is a decision--and I believe that commitment IS a decision--then falling out of love is one too. My prayer was answered. (Pam nailed it when she said we look at THEM with rose colored glasses but look at ourselves under the microscope.) When I was ready to ditch those glasses AND the microscope, things started to fall into place. I could finally see my XH for the flawed human being he was. I could finally admit that the person he truly is now is not the person I married nor the person I would choose to fall in love with now. Don't get me wrong, I probably have the strangest R with my XH than anyone here--we're friends. I've forgiven him and myself for all of this crapola and we managed to rediscover the R we had before we were married. Well, without having sex. I digress.

He's a normal, human being with human failings and a path which is not meant to be shared with mine in the marital sense. I'm now okay with the fact that he no longer wanted to be married to me. I wasn't okay with it 4-5 years ago, but I am now. I choose to see him as he really is rather than who I thought he SHOULD be. I stopped treating him as though his choices were the worst thing that ever happened to me (even though I felt that way). And I started being the woman I knew I needed to be for myself and my daughters. This was difficult, damn difficult. But it all started with making small and wise choices in how I acted on any given day.

I was blessed beyond belief to have Meredith and Pam take the journey with me and to hold each other accountable for how we behaved, making sure they were in synch with our goals. Somehow, it's a bit easier to eat that elephant one bite at a time, when you just set yourself some small yet achievable daily goals.

Maybe your daily goal for the next month is just to identify one good thing about yourself every night. Or commend yourself for making a good choice as you choose to change. Or ending each day with 3 things you are grateful for each day. They all lead to bigger and better things. They all pave the way for you to heal and grow. And no, there is still no pill you can take to make the pain go away quickly. That's just something that happens when you learn how to forgive... him AND you... and it all just takes time.

You're doing lots right. Maybe you don't choose this path (what normal person would?), but you're making good strides in making the most out of your time in this painful pool. The only way out is through it.

And that's why we're here.

So I'll pass the kleenex and just tell you that the next time you hear Hopelessly Devoted to you, it won't seem as dramatic. And if you're PMSing, well, hell, cut yourself some slack. Go get some ice cream and just let yourself finish the job!

Now, back to that business plan. I've been up for hours thinking about getting some stuff out on paper. Time to get cracking!

Hugs,

Betsey